Insecurity is ruining my relationship and I can't stop

I have been in my relationship now for a year and I love him very much, but my lack of self-esteem and insecurity is ruining things. I just want to learn to stop being this way because I love him so much and want things to workout, I just don't know how to fix this.

What things are you concerned about and why did you first begin to have that insecurity?

Your concerns may have some validity. Sometimes, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it IS a duck....

Just something to think about. Granted, I don't know any details but, sometimes, our insecurities are correct but sometimes they are not. Many, I would think, it comes down to his actions. Something about his actions are causing concern for you. That should be discussed with him, his actions, perhaps....

Anyone else have thoughts?

Well he looks at other women alot mostly on t.v. and makes comments on how hott they are and it is hard for me because I have been put down my entire life and even though people say i am pretty and skinny I don't see it. When he does that i feel i have to look like that and be that pretty and skinny, I know it sounds kinda stupid.

Could you ask him what it is about them he finds so attractive? and does he base a whole woman's worth on her waist or breast size? Sometimes guys do things without thinking. Like maybe he feels so comfortable with you that he talks the way he does when he is around the guys. I had a man friend that was like that, and although I didn't mind the occassional reference to beauties on tv, or in reality, I would on occassion kindly remind him that somethings are best enjoyed with the guys....if that didn't get it through to my knuckelhead, I'd do similar with men, until he'd give me a quirky look...then I'd say something by way of, oh..I thought since you so enjoyed talking it up about the ladies, maybe you'd get a kick out of it with the guys...insert his astonished look...my reply-mmmm, ok, well then perhaps you understand how I feel....enough said...he didn't do it any more.

No, it doesn't sound stupid at all...I have struggled with this very thing all of my adulthood.. starting I think when I was very young, like maybe 12 or so.

I know NOW that I have been this way because my father raised me up comparing me to Hustler and Playboy pinups.. and I have always thought I had to lok like that or I was no good. No man would ever want me at all.

I have been guilty of comparing myself to other women too.. even tv women.. who have the help of technology and makeup to look perfect. It is all about self image.. confusing body image with self image.

I used to be bad for watching my man when we would be in situations where a good-looking woman is visible.. to see if he is looking.. how lame it that? Poor guy. .afraid to look at anyone for fear of being *****ed at.
I don't do that anymore.. I ignore him when I see other women in the same proximity of us where he can see them.

i had to explain to him too that it isn't HIM I don't trust. its my own ability to be enough for him that I doubt.. and I am working on it. Try to tell yourself.. those women on tv aren't real.. he can't touch them..hold them.. love them.

Tell him it hurts your spirit when he comments on other women... maybe he wil at least stop that,so it doesn't feel like it is being rubbed in your face.

If this relationship was meant to be then you wil work this out.. but look within yourself and see if you are mistaking body image for self image as I have done all my life.This could be the key to freeing you from this.

Good Luck!

Hi, Cropp...I'm turned off totally by a man who would make comments about other woment, even on TV, about how "hot" they are. I think this is inconsiderate and crude of him. What if you did the same? Making comments and leering at other men while you were with him? I'm guessing you never do such a thing, because you love him and are focused on him....right. What does that say about his behavior and priorities, not to mention your feelings. Hey, I'd feel insecure too if a man I cared for was doing that. I say dump him!
Patty

Yeah, I think it's kinda rude too, Cropp.
I guess he may think it's okay because the women are on the television.
I'm curious-do these women have something in common?
Do they all have straight blonde hair or big lips or big boobs?
Are they realistic women or are they the Pamela Anderson types?
If he just did it to one or two stars-like he had crushes on them-it'd be one thing. I can relate to that, but if he's saying "she's hot" every other day about yet another woman on the screen then he's a moron and I'd hit him over the head with a magazine everytime he says it. I'd hit him hard too.

I've heard it said many times that the first year of marriage or co-habitation is very tough.You don't really know him,or he/you,so you can't really fix that,it just takes time.It seems rather insensitive for him to make the comments he makes if he knows how it affects you,have you shared your feelings with him? Many women have an almost instinctual fear of abandonment and thats a short walk to being co-dependent.is this an area you need to look at? co-dependency is not attractive in a partner/mate I hope it works out for you!

Hi all, i just wanna say one thing. im sure you all know it but dont seem to take not of it! We 'men' are different form you 'women'.
It might seem like a big deal for you when he says, 'she looks sexy'. Dont take it personally! He is with you! know think about it, if he see's a model on tv, but is with you, you've done something right! dont you think??

Ive heard this joke once, it goes something like this:

There is a sexy calander in the garage, of a woman half naked and sitting on and washing a sports car! The man exclames, 'ahhh if i had that women and car'!
Some thime passed and he got the sexy wife and the sports car he'd always wanted. When he went to the garage he say his sexy wife, half naked sitting on and washing the sports car! The man exclamed, 'Get OFF the car love, and for god's sake put some clothes on!!'

So what i mean is that guys fantasise alot, dont take everything they say personally because what they say and what they want are two different things!

Secondly in life, not just a relationship, the worst thing to be is insecure! i know i was insecure, well still am but much much less then when i was younger! You are a winner if you feel you are one, so its all up to you! Remember you've got the man you love, and he loves you!! Isnt that enough to win over your insecurities? You need to be beautiful in his eyes only, and you certainly are since he is with you!

Life is fun, live it!

I'm sure this will be deemed nonsupportive, but your insecurities and low self esteem are not your boyfriend's responsibility to try and fix. Only you can fix your self esteem. Dumping the guy isn't the answer. If we dumped every guy who fantasized about some unobtainable breasts, we'd be a lonely lot of people.

You could stop if you wanted to, but you must be getting some reward out of continuing to beat yourself up emotionally.

Just my take.

Of course she's insecure...The guy is searching for sexy females on the Internet and commenting on women on TV who appeal to him. This is not loving behavior, or the behavior of one trying to build a loving relationship. The guy's a jerk.
Patty

Whack him over the head!!!

I dont agree with you wi fighter, self estemm is not a matter of getting something out of it! Im sure that she is not gaining out of the situation!
Its tough because unlike any other thing there is'nt a pill you can take to make it go away! It takes alot of work and time!
I agree that she shouldnt leave her boyfriend because of this as i have already said before!

Have courage cropp and with the help of your BF you will get trough it! (Btw talk to your bf, i know you say that men dont listen, but give it a try!)

You misread what I meant. I mean saying "I want to learn how to stop being like this" but then doing nothing about it and relying on other people to make it better is what you can stop doing IF you really want to. If you don't want to stop, then you must be getting some kind of a payoff. At least that's what my therapist told me. Even if it's just to get sympathy about how low your self esteem is and how insecure you are.

So, OK, if the guy's a real jerk and is drooling over every set of big fake boobs plastered on to an anorectic body that he sees, while you're right there, dump him, then work on your self esteem and insecurities before getting involved with someone again, otherwise you're going to be stuck in the same cycle forever.

WI...very wise post! I see what you are referring to about "payoff." It has occurred to me over the last couple of years, that I only know how to be miserable, that being in a happy, healthy relationship would not bring the payoff of misery to which I had become accustomed. It seems contradictory, but that was my mindset, not knowing how to be any other way. Thankfully, I have stopped that!
Great insight.
Patty

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wi_fighter said:
I'm sure this will be deemed nonsupportive, but your insecurities and low self esteem are not your boyfriend's responsibility to try and fix. Only you can fix your self esteem. Dumping the guy isn't the answer. If we dumped every guy who fantasized about some unobtainable breasts, we'd be a lonely lot of people.

You could stop if you wanted to, but you must be getting some reward out of continuing to beat yourself up emotionally.

Just my take.

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But the issue is that he says these things, not that he thinks them.

I can relate to this situation a bit, my partner is sort of the same way and has made comments about my body before on a number of occasions. I'm quite sure that many if not most other guys i've been with have had similar thoughts and opinions but there's no problem if what they're thinking isn't said!

I would hate to be in your position, crop. I'd be having tantys every time he opened his mouth and spoke such hurtful things.

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cropp89 said:
I have been in my relationship now for a year and I love him very much, but my lack of self-esteem and insecurity is ruining things. I just want to learn to stop being this way because I love him so much and want things to workout, I just don't know how to fix this.

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Please look into the book I placed in the Rate & Review section.... called: Feelings Buried Alive Never Die - I think it might be able to help you understand why you are acting and reacting in the manners you are with in the relationship.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( )))

I agree and understand your frustration (regarding 1st message post). Sometimes I wonder myself, too. I've been feeling depressed for a while. I really miss him and our relationship. We've been together for 2 years. We lived together for a year and he moved across street. We're together, but living separately. We've been having lots of problems -- possibly and mainly communication. I feel like we're gradually drifting. Sadly to say, I don't have anyone to talk to (face-to-face) around here. I've been drinking and I know it is NOT the solution. So...I know what you're saying, your frustration and going through.