[bizi]

35 things Not to say to someone depressed:

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....FromSpikols blog:
from Terry, who, inspired by Jan T., has written his list of
"35 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed":
Don’t let it eat you up.
You’ve got to get over it.
You’ve been down and out too long.
People are beginning to talk.
Don’t be an idiot things aren’t that bad.
If you just get out of bed and take a shower and get dressed you’ll feel a whole lot better.
It’s all in your head.
You’re a great guy you have all it takes so why throw it away.
Get better for the sake of the family if you can’t do it for yourself.
Think about your mother and how this must make her feel.
I’d like to but I just don’t get it.
What you need is tough love.
You don’t fool me with this depression crap you’re just lazy.
Wake up and smell the roses.
Everybody is worried about you.
Why is it always about you?
If you’d get over yourself and rejoin the human race you’d feel better.
Things can’t be all that bad?
You used to be such a nice guy.
You’re such a loser.
You set the bar too high; don’t be so hard on yourself.
It’s just SAD get yourself one of those lamps.
All you need is a girlfriend.
Are you still hung up on Cathy?
What’s got into you?
A couple of tokes and you’ll be fine.
I met this guy who was depressed….
Everybody is worried about you.
You should get out more.
I know exactly how you feel.
We all get a little depressed now and then it’s nothing to lose sleep over.
Let’s go out get something to eat have a few beers and see what happens.

THE FOUR WORST WORDS ...
To say to anyone in crisis or depression:
"JUST
GET
OVER
IT"
Just get over it? You have got to be kidding me!
Now, these four words could be said in a manner of kindness from those that do not know better. Those who love you. Those you live with. Lord forgive them; for they know not what they say!
But even with the best of intentions these four words cut deep -- deep into my soul, my heart, my confidence. Trauma of any kind is hard to process, to work through. It is an unexpected event that alters the course of your life. And we are supposed to "just get over it"?
Why? To make them feel better? Our friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors. Because if we get over it, that gives all of them assurance that nothing bad will ever come to them. It gets our problems off their minds. It's like somehow our dysfunctional recovery helps to create their denial.
Then there are the pity offerings. The phone calls, emails, cards. All with "Thinking of you," "In our prayers," "Call me if you need me" (which really means, Please leave me alone).
And then there are the ones who tell you, "I wish I could be there to help you. If only I had the time. If only I didn't have my kids, my job, my theater group." Whatever the excuse, they feel it gives them absolution. That by their superficial intentions, that they are off the hook. Please, I say, put your pity back in your pocket!
Funny, though: Sooner or later, traumatic experiences, crisis, even depression touch everyone in some way. Someday, somehow, somewhere to you or someone you love.
So please:
Don't take pity on me. Help me love me, be my friend, my spouse, my child.
Don't send false promises. Be real, be honest, be open.
Don't be angry with me. I am trying my best.
Don't ignore me. Ignoring doesn't gaurantee immunity.
Don't talk down to me. I'm fighting the fight of my life.
But worst of all, don't tell me, "just get over it," "this too shall pass," "there are some worse off," or my personal favorite: "jump back on that horse!" Because by doing that you invalidate me and you lie to yourself.
All I need -- all I really need -- is time, your love, a shoulder, a hug, a concerned ear to listen, and a soft place to fall.

[purplebutterfly]

I am about to cry reading this.......i was told all of those things while growing up and still to this day i hear most of them daily

[andrichik1162]

What are some good and encouraging things to say to someone who is depressed? I have never had to deal with this before and really want to try and help this person but don't know the right way to go about it. I think this person is suffering from paranoid personality disorder so the mood can be very hostile it's like walking on eggs all the time

[MyBestKids2]

Very good list biz, I like it!

Andrichick 1162, the most important thing is to let that person know you are genuinely there for them, no catches and no judgements.

[bizi]

What You Can Do to Help Someone

Among the many things you can do to help someone who is depressed and may be considering suicide, simply talking and listening are the most important. Do not take on the role of therapist. Often, people just need someone to listen. Although this might be difficult, the following are some approaches that have worked for others:
Express empathy and concern.
Severe depression is usually accompanied by a self-absorbed, uncommunicative, withdrawn state of mind. When you try to help, you may be met by your loved one’s reluctance to discuss what he or she is feeling. At such times, it’s important to acknowledge the reality of the pain and hopelessness he or she is experiencing. Resist the urge to function as a therapist. This can ultimately create more feelings of rejection for the person, who doesn't want to be "told what to do." Remain a supportive friend and encourage continued treatment.
Talk about suicide.
Talking about suicide does not plant the idea in someone’s head. Your ability to explore the feelings, thoughts and reactions associated with depression can provide valuable perspective and reassurance to your friend or loved one who may be depressed. Not everyone who thinks of suicide attempts it. For many, it's a passing thought that lessens over time. For a significant number of people, however, the hopelessness and exaggerated anxiety brought on by untreated or under-treated depression may create suicidal thoughts that they can’t easily manage on their own. For this reason, take any mention of suicide seriously.

If someone you know is very close to suicide, direct questions about how, when and where he or she intends to commit suicide can provide valuable information that might help prevent the attempt. Don’t promise confidentiality in these circumstances. It’s important for you to share this information with the individual’s doctor.
Describe specific behaviors and events that trouble you.
If you can explain to your loved one the particular ways his or her behavior has changed, this might help to get communication started. Compounding the lack of interest in communication may be guilt or shame for having suicidal thoughts. Try to help him or her overcome feelings of guilt. If there has already been a suicide attempt, guilt over both the attempt and its failure can make the problem worse. It’s important to reassure the individual that there’s nothing shameful about what they are thinking and feeling. Keep stressing that thoughts of hopelessness, guilt and even suicide are all symptoms of a treatable, medical condition. Reinforce the good work they’ve done in keeping with their treatment plan.
Work with professionals.
Never promise confidentiality if you believe someone is very close to suicide. Keep the person’s doctor or therapist informed of any thoughts of suicide. If possible, encourage them to discuss it with their doctor(s) themselves, but be ready to confirm that those discussions have taken place. This may involve making an appointment to visit the doctor together or calling the doctor on your own. Be aware that a doctor will not be able to discuss the person’s condition with you. You should only call to inform the doctor of your concern.

Whenever possible, you should get permission from your loved one to call his or her doctor if you feel there’s a problem. Otherwise, it could be seen as "butting in" and may worsen the symptoms or cause added stress. Of course, if you believe there is a serious risk of immediate self-harm, call his or her doctor. You can work out any feelings of anger the person has towards you later.
Stress that the person's life is important to you and to others.
Many people find it awkward to put into words how another person's life is important for their own well-being. Emphasize in specific terms to your friend or loved one how his or her suicide would devastate you and others. Share personal stories or pictures to help remind your loved one of the important events in life you’ve shared together.
Be prepared for anger.
The individual may express anger and feel betrayed by your attempt to prevent their suicide or help them get treatment. Be strong. Realize that these reactions are caused by the illness and should pass once the person receives proper treatment.
Always be supportive.
People who have thought about, or attempted, suicide will most likely have feelings of guilt and shame. Be supportive and assure them that their actions were caused by an illness that can be treated. Offer your continued support to help them recover.
Take care of yourself.
It’s not uncommon for friends and family members to experience stress or symptoms of depression when trying to help someone who is suicidal. You can only help by encouraging and supporting people through their own treatment. You cannot get better for them. Don’t focus all of your energy on the one person. Ask friends and family to join you in providing support and keep to your normal routine as much as possible. Pay attention to your own feelings and seek help if you need it.

[Clandestine]

Bizi thanks for sharing!!! ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

[iamtwilight]

Way to go bizi.

[AndromacheWheat]

Dealing with a mate who I'm quite sure (not diagnosed at this time) with bipolar. Which includes a lot of poor judgement that wound up hurting me and it's hard not to say some of these when the depression comes around. I'm a pretty sympathatic and compassionate person but damn it's hard not to.

[Anjyl]

this is interesting. i have one for you thought that my mother told me, "you can train yourself to be better. you don't need medicine, you don't need therapy, just train yourself to feel better and it will go away."

what a crock

[bizi]

Although I still believe in this simple phrase:

Happiness is a decision.

bizi

[Hope]

I don't only hear these things from others, I say them to myself all the time. Thank you for making me more aware.

[jmariah001]

I hate when people use those sayings, it doesn't help me at all especially if it's from a family member. It makes me feel worse when I hear them.

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bizi said:
Happiness is a decision.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree with this concept also bizi.

But like deciding to take a Sunday drive...it can only happen if the car starts...

Sometimes our decisions are up against things outside of our direct control.

Your lists are greatly appreciated....

Thankyou.

Lenny

Well, another one I got was that I didn't have enough FAITH or that I must have SIN in my life, as God could heal me, but not without my having adequate faith & purity. So this depressed me even further as I sought out hidden sin in my life & prayed with all my might & was convinced it was not enough to please God. This church didn't believe in psych meds & I kept getting prescribed them & kept throwing them out &, of course, my depression was getting worse.

My father said I had nothing to be depressed about (true, I had 2 great kids & husband, financial stability, etc., but I ALSO had bipolar disorder which is kind of a reason depression might visit me).

As far as "getting over it." That comment is not usually helpful, but I was "stuck" for about 1 1/2 years & obsessing & ruminating on a hurtful comment my husband made & a friend from my support group said I needed to "get over it" in order to get my stability back. She suggested I get back into intensive therapy & really work on "getting over it." She was right. I was stuck in a bad place. I'm not over it yet, but making progress with indiv. therapy, med adjustment & DBT so I valued that advice coming from her (& it was accepted by me because she is a fellow bipolar & knows what it is like to be obsessed with a thought).

The thought obession had led me to overdose so it was extremely detrimental to my life & I had become so paralyzed by it that one therapist I was seeing "flunked" me & basically told me not to come back as I wasn't making any progress. My meds provider recommended another one & I am making progress with her.

I have become suicidal a couple times but have called suicide prevention 1-800-273-TALK or www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. & gotten back into see my meds provider quickly.--Suzy

[pegasus]

Thanks for sharing bizi.

[Fuzzybear]

[bizi]

HI suzy, a fellow hoosier!
well actually I live in louisiana now so I am a cajun!

So glad to hear that things are going in the right direction for you.
Our lives are hard work.
It is a struggle dealing with our bipolar issues.
No one said that it would be easy, to just take a pill and things will be all better.
Well meds are a good start but the therapy is what helps us the most...to figure out how to cope with the cards that have been dealt to us.
We did not ask to have this but we can decide what to do with it all.
It is in our power to get help and work our way thru things.
It is not easy and we are worthy of this work.
Suzy, how do you get around the ruminating thoughts...I have a friend who can't get her abuser out of her head....
any suggestions?
bizi

Ah, bizi, I just finishing writing an INSIGHTFUL, HELPFUL post (!!) that I'm sure would be helpfulf for your friend &amp; it didn't go through!! It took me a long time to write so maybe there is a time limit. I'm going to PM DocJon to see if he knows what happened. Will try again later. Have to jump in the shower. House painters are arriving in 45 minuters. We're trying to get our house ready to put it on the market in Mar. Lont lead time, but we ahve a lot of work to do--a lot of jumk to get rid of as we are moving to a smaller place (patio home in AZ).==Suzy

[bizi]

thank you suzy for replying.
WE lived in AZ before we moved to the south.
Love tempe and had a great many adventures camping and hiking int he red rocks of northern AZ and southern utah.
loved our short 3 yers there.
bizi

[red8326]

It always amazes me when someone says stuff like this. I just want to scream in their face