[perkypower]

<font color="purple"> Me scared* Please help*
stuff to read first:
1. Husband said he wanted a divorce in January 07. I moved into an apartment in March07
2. March 2, 2008 we married 24 yers. he drags his feet. still in court trying to get the divorce
3. I'm cognitive disorder + adhd(innatentive type) + bipolar II(up unitl Jly 22 it has always been MDD) + anxiety disorder (nos)
4. I moved from a 4 bedroom house with garage and storage shed into a two bedroom basement apt.
5. Have never been able to figure out how to consistantly keep house. The stuff is there my part of my conditions is just seeing it blend into the woodwoord and anothe part of my condition is inititiation (i see, i know, i can't grasp what to do next)
5. It got fired from one job because i could not work as fast and tidily as others.
6. So bad with stress and bad attention processes tues 22jul docotor sent me home for a week! no driving. i live 45 minutes from a job with no public transportaion. I like living in a rural area but trans. sucks.

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ok, and now "the *r e s t* of the story":
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Ever since i moved in 1mar07, there have been boxes and stuff everywhere. I have never even before this been able to keep things in tip top shape even passable shape. I manage to clean, but clutter and stuff is everwhere. And then there is the trouble of remembering and focusing to wash the dishes. I eat frozen meals becuase if i cook, the leftovers rot because i don't remember them in the fridge. I even forget to take a shower! Laundry i do manage to wash it'a the folding and putting away that is overwhelming a lot of the time. I subscribe to two newspapers becuse i like to read and while i read i escape reality for a while and i learn new stuff which is a benefit. All the stuff in my house doen't seem so bad to me beasue of my brain it all seems to blend into the woodwork. I consciously try to see and do somethig about it but another one of my problems is that i am very s l o w cognitively with working in the house in particlur. My house flooded a couple of inches a couple of months ago(6 inches of rain in one hour could do that to anybody) and the landlord had to come in and pull all the carpet. she was pissed about the state of my house. you can't live like this (all my stuff). Does she really think that i LIKE living like this ??? I try to do it. I want to do it. I am working with doctors on strategies to DO IT. It just ain't happening with the speed of light. I don't have a magic wand.

My biggest underlying sense and feeling is of failure. I know psychologist and psychiatrist and my only friend do try to dispell or ameliorate that feeling. But it's a strong feeling.

I am currently working with the Department of Rehabilitation Serivces to get help to find a better/good job and help with organization, planning, initiation, memory, executive functioning, recognizing objects (object agnosia) and temporal perception. BUT i am in *D E L A Y E D* status. That means i'm not funded. That means they have accepted my application for help with work and home. That means they want to help me. Delayed means nada gonna happen with them now. I need to be in *eligible* status. eligible =$$$$$$ In layman's terms i am eligible but for the state of maryland eligivle means i am blessed with funding and they have money to help me. So I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for approval for someone way up the food chain to bless me with money.

Am i in a land of fair housing act? I looked up maryland law and a landlord can evict. But I am not late with the rent. But I am not in violation of the lease. State law requires the landlord to first give the tenant one month's advance notice that he is ending the lease and the reason why.(If the breach of lease involves tenant behavior that constitutes a danger to other people or property, the landlord must only give 14 days advance notice.) The landlord says i am a fire hazard and if the fire marshall sees it he will shut her down. i am messy and cluttered but no piles of boxes anymore She plows a field out front and never plants anything so the property will get cheaper property taxes. This lady skirts the law a lot. This single family house is now two apartments. One up and one down in the basement (me). All the utility bills are mailed to our house and we have to go give them to her. We have two apartments but only one mailbox on the road (The other tenant says there used to be only one mailbox but the post office got after her because landlord house on back of property and my house have two differcnt addresses.

so deparession is in me big time as well as anxiety. has anyone gone thru this?

Please post to this, say ANYTHING I need some
1. Warm fuzzies
2. Techinical help
3 anthing not mentioned in item 1 not item 2

Thanks for listenting.</font>

[perkypower]

depression says no reply becuasue I don't deserve any. Logic and inner strength has hope that the forum with come up with help.

The post took me three hours to write and now I must go to work and get offline.

I really hope there are replies when i get home. I need support in the worst way right now.

[reddevil]

Of course you deserve a response!

It's understandable that all that makes your depression and anxiety worse.

I'm sorry that I don't have much practical advice, because I'm only 18, so I haven't experienced that.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

You're right, you do deserve a reply. I think I need a little time to think about this then I will get to you.
Hugs and prayers-Angel

[perkypower]

thanks for the posts. i tend to "catastrophize" but in this case, if she kicks me out, wel ,, there i go, **IF** , she hasn't kicked me out. She wants to talk and i asked my only friedn if she'd come and she will. so i want to pick a neutral spot like at McDonald's.

I'm a bit calmer tonight. Exhausted after my first day back to work.

Please all out there I could use any
comments and opinions. I feel very alone right now. Gotta take my meds and go to bed. Good night.

[reddevil]

hope you manage to sleep well.

We're here to give what support we can.. I hope the meeting goes well

[perkypower]

<font color="purple"> I sleep now for 2 nights in a row. but very very dragged out and drowsy driving in the day. Doc adjusted meds and we'll see tomorrow. No meeting yet, i'm waiting to see if my only friend can come, then i'll schedule.

Thanks for posting. I feel less of alone.
</font>

[perkypower]

I just noticed it's midnight, no wonder what I wrote came out so weird in my last post. G o o d N i g h t to the Americas. Good morning to the UK.

TTFN

[reddevil]

I'm glad you feel a little less alone. I hope the adjustment works and that your friend can come

[perkypower]

Is it bipolar? Is it my brain lesion? Is it ADHD? Is it stress? Why can't I get my act together? It seems like such a simple concept, really. Just keep up with the everday: remembering to take a shower(sometimes not so good on that one) doing dishes less than once a week (I don't have a dishwasher), keeping the house tidy (I'm only one person, how do I manage to make such a mess?)

my home should be my "safety zone" no worries be happy now it's the ultimate stress zone. mess makes stress. landlord makes stress.

I use breathing to help me relax, except now it doesn't work.

My divorce which was supposed to be done months ago and he got extended over and over again may actually be final in 3 weeks. The divorce was his idea, why is he doing this? Follow the money. He pays less until the divorce. Didn't he know that already?