[Moose72]

I am not sure what happened tonight.

I had been waiting to hear about the apartment for two weeks. I called earlier this afternoon and left a message and my cell number for him to call back. He called back maybe 3 hours later as I was SUPPOSED to be in judo (more on that later) and said he'd rented it out to someone else already, basically because they were "faster" in getting him the information. (???) So that REALLY bummed me out. Took a moment to process. However, I saw one of my judo friends in passing in the lobby and we had a short chat there. A bit before, I was GOING to go up to judo, and just as I was taking my middle kid to the pool and such, (at the Y), my ex calls and he was a few feet away! So there the kids went.... that's when I had the conv. with the judo friend. I told him how I was disappointed but time to go get another prospect on new place to live.

Earlier in the day, I'd been out with my daughter (middle kid) at a book store just reading and relaxing. I talked with my dad and we had a great conversation - very uplifting and nice. He even said I sounded "good" mentally.

So when I called my BF about the apartment falling through, I asked did he want to go for a walk and he said no he was feeling down about his daughter leaving for college (the day before). His youngest. We moved her in. Two hours away. Long day. He's having empty-nest syndrome, loniness, etc. I left it at that and left the Y. I just didn't have the heart to go do judo. I knew it was depression talking but whatever. I needed space to clear my mind and be alone.

So, I drove back toward my place and went to ANOTHER bookstore where there are a group of friends that I hang out with sometimes. I thought we'd sit and chat over things, which we did. Then, BF called. Asked did I want to come over for dinner. I said yes, feeling that we're both sad and maybe we'd confort each other, but maybe because of that we'd get into a fight. I went anyway.

I get there, and I called my mom. She'd changed the password to my email beacuse it is the master password/account for the DSL and we were switching to "U-VERSE" which is tv, internet and phone in one. So I txted her. This was at a red light on my cell to her cell. She'd called and left a message and I was driving with music on. SO.... When I called her back to ask what the new password was because I couldn't get my email, BF got on me for being nasty to her. He's always defending my mother and critcising me. So I felt attacked. I wanted to get away from the whole ARGGGGGG!!!! with my mother at my BF's and there he was adding to it! Earlier, she'd told me to ... yes.... wait for it.... clean my room! I'm 36 BTW. She didn't want the tv guys in my room to set up the new cable if it wasn't "as she wanted it". Literally. She kept checking my room, criticizing... .plus she looks at me every time I go by with a suspicious look on her face. She follows me to see what I'm eating.... (This is what my dad and I talked about. Apparently this is why he divorced her.) I had other things to do and I felt blackmailed. I told her if she felt she needed to control me that much, I would go without tv. Period. And I left with my daughter for our errands. SO.... back to BF, he critcised me for what I said on the phone to my mom and THEN I just lost it. I mean, I was already upset from earlier, but now I started shaking and staring and thoughts starting flying through my head. I tried to keep things calm. Lately, I've had the urge to go "get lost", almost WANTING a full-blown manic episode, with psychosis and that out-of-body, dream-like state. I TRIED to stare and keep my thoughts from running away with me, but fear took over and I started crying. BF then said I was "pouting". So then we got into a tiff over what was pouting and what was crying and what was saddness "really". So THEN I tried to explain how I feel at these times and he says "I feel that way too sometimes". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's like saying to a pregnant woman, "Its okay. Its just your hormones." In fact, he DID say "Did you forget your meds"? Even if I HAD (by 25%), and even if it was 3 DAYS worth, I needed to feel safe. I felt like if I left his place, and especially with him telling me he needed me to go because it was too much sadness for him on top of his own, I felt like I'd surely go manic. I started crying and pacing. He sat down and calming explained to me and I listened and pretty much when I felt like he was no longer trying to shoo me out quickly, I went home. He walked me to the car and hugged me. He had said his place is small and there is nowhere else for him to go to to relax. And now that I am home with the new tv, I feel okay. I had some cereal. (Couldn't eat the dinner I went over for at BF's- too stressed out.) Its just the fan and me. I wish my kitty were in here, but he sleeps downstairs. He did send me a goodnight txt message on my phone. Ironically, the book I picked up and read some of at barnes and noble was something to the effect of "how to understand your bipolar partner". Frustratingly, I think he either blames me behavior and feelings ALL on missing the meds, or he doesn't believe am truely bipolar. I think I'd have to drag him to my pdoc and have her say "Yes she really IS bipolar, and no its NOT just being hyper and talking a lot and driving away and getting business ideas...." The psychosis can be freaky and I totally felt I might go there. I'd promissed my dad last time I'd missed several doses on Depakote and had a bad episode that I'd never do it again. And today, when I talked with him, he told me he's been of cigarettes for six months or something and not had a drink for a year! He's also lost weight because of this. So maybe we'll keep each other going some how, as weird as that may sound. The alcoholic and the bipolar and my mom.... whatever she is. lol