[bipolarbabydoll]

Hi there. I'm Maggie, and I'm bipolar I. I wanted to give you all a bit of my history, because my questions pertain to it.

I was pretty "normal" as a kid, for a really, really smart kid. So, mostly normal. I laughed, I slept, I had and went to slumber parties. In middle school, I had a pretty tough time, as my mother was an alcoholic, and my dad was a workoholic. An only child, this left me to fend for myself. Through middle school, I functioned for myself, making my own lunches to take to school, and my own snack and dinner when I rode the bus home. I had to get away.

I went to a magnet residential high school. It was for really smart kids in my state. As a really smart kid from a sort of backwards community, it was my first opportunity to be around my own sort. I sort of 'went nuts' so to speak. I went through something like seven boyfriends in two years. The last one broke up with me. I don't really remember why. I don't really remember a lot from high school.

The last one, who broke up with me, had me in such a state of mind that I gave up (willingly) opportunities like being in a play and being on the basketball team, to giving up friends other than him. So when he ditched me, I had nowhere to turn. I abruptly tried to kill myself.

My parents, upon my awakening from my coma were so happy I wasn't dead that they just did whatever the doctor told them to. That was to put me on antidepressants. First Effexor and then Wellbutrin. Guess what happened.

When I was in the coma, my Uncle Cliff (the other bipolar member of my family) told my parents, in tears, that he was so, so sorry. My parents apparently thought that he was sorry I tried to kill myself, as he did when he was 19. I was 17. It was odd that they'd miss that.

Anyway, during the Wellbutrin, I started college. I wound up spiking like mad on it, and attempting overdose. All that happened was some SEVERE drymouth and having to drink that nasty charcoal stuff.

My doctor, a children's psychiatrist (even though I was 18), was a moron. I should emphasize this. Moron. When I got out of the hospital finally, he decided that perhaps I was bipolar. He prescribed Trileptal and Lexapro, later adding Lamictal.

My first question goes here: My mother to this day (I'm 25) won't admit that it's bipolar disorder. She insists that the "craziness" is due to the brain damage I inflicted upon myself. What exactly do I do about this?

After a WONDERFUL (I really hated) manic incident, I was checked into the hospital again. They tweaked my meds and let me go.

My doctor added Abilify to the Lamictal, Trileptal, and Lexapro combo. I wound up nearly killing myself randomly shortly thereafter. I remember that. It was really strange. It was almost as if I couldn't control myself. I dumped all my pills into a single bottle, and then gulped them all down. The psychiatrist at the hospital that time told me no practicing physician in his right mind would prescribe the two together. Hm.

Finally I was taken off Trileptal and Lexapro and put on lithium. I've been doing a lot better since.

This brings me to my final question: I've noticed that a lot of people with bipolar seem to have a really hard time with it. I never have. The suicide attempts were pretty far apart, and I've never been tempted to stop with the medicine, even when it doesn't appear to be working. Really, to me, bipolar disorder seems more like ...I just attempt suicide every now and then. Does this mean anything?

Baffled,
Maggie

[BNLsMOM]

This is most definitely something to bring up with a therapist, but my therapist has told me that I have a hard time labeling my feelings because I have to work on my self awareness. It could be something as simple as that.

I have noticed that through therapy, I am realizing things that I never thought to be problems really were problematic. It's all self awareness for me.

I hope that helps...