[JourneyUpward]

I am so tired of trying to overcome Cyclothymia and Major Depressive Disorder. The combined disorders and the experimenting with various meds and the mood spins are beginning to wear me out. I'm tired of fighting to control and manipulate my thinking and constant journaling for my pdoc. I want to give up and let my mind go where it may. But the only thing I'm worried about is what will happen to my mind. If I let go, will the disorder win over the meds? Will I lose my mind? Does anyone know?

This is my dilemma--I didn't tell my pdoc that I think I had a round with what I think is schizophrenia as a teenager. I dabbled with the occult--automatic writing and the ouija board--and no, it definitely was not a game--too much happened and were not coincidences. I also believed I was communicating with someone telepathically--I didn't tell anyone because I knew no one I knew would believe me--but I totally believed it. I wasn't taking any drugs, not prescriptions or street drugs of any kind--never had.

Do you think that this is typical schizophrenic behavior? Should I tell my pdoc--do you think it will make a difference? I'm afraid of the diagnosis because about 1 year ago, I thought I was having conversations with God in my head--not out loud but in my head. It went on for about 3 weeks to a month, I think. It hasn't happened since. I think it only happened briefly one other time in my adult life maybe 10 or 15 yrs ago. I'm in my mid 50's now. I'm afraid to tell the pdoc--I don't want another diagnosis on top of the 2 I have. I soooo don't want my family to know this one if I do have it. They are having enough trouble accepting the depression and that Cyclothymia is part of the bipolar spectrum.
I am obsessing over this with fear and that's not good because it could trigger another mood spin.

I see the pdoc on Nov 18th. Arrrrgh! I so don't want to reveal this!
Please, please, someone please give me good counsel. I apologize that this is so long but I am so very distressed over this. The lamictal and seroquel have cleared my mind and memory and I now know that I answered so many of the pdocs initial screening questions wrong because at the time my mind was extremely fogged up. I couldn't remember what happened the previous morning let alone years ago.
Please help! Thank you for listening.

[AnnHertel]

DO NOT GIVE UP. I struggle with this debate, so often, especially recently. It's so damn hard to try and to try and never seem to get anywhere. But you ARE, simply by trying. The moment you give up hope and cease to try... you will be owned by the illness. Stay strong. My blog site has a lot of posts dealing with this dilemma. Maybe it will help you not feel so alone.


I am concerned with the diagnosis your doctor gave you. I will note I am not a clinician... but my studies are in this field...

According to the DSM-IV (diagnostic manual for mental disorders), the diagnostic features of cyclothymia include no major depressive episode has been present for the first two years of the disturbance. It seems highly unlikely that major depressive disorder and cyclothymia are comorbid.

But... If you put hypomanic episodes (from the cyclothymia) and major depressive episodes together... then you end up with Bipolar II disorder. Taken from the MayoClinc's website, "Bipolar II disorder. You've had at least one episode of depression and at least one hypomanic episode. A hypomanic episode is similar to a manic episode but much briefer, lasting only a few days, and not as severe. With hypomania, you may have an elevated mood, irritability and some changes in your functioning, but generally you can carry on with your normal daily routine and functioning, and you don't require hospitalization. In bipolar II disorder, the periods of depression are typically much longer than the periods of hypomania."

Disclaimer: I do not know the details of your case and in no way am I trying to give you a diagnosis... I am just stating my opinion if I were you, I would seriously consider finding another doctor. IMHO. Bottom line, you MUST be completely honest with your doctor. If you are not comfortable doing so with your current doctor.. seek a new one.

Did the "schizophrenic-like" states cause you significant distress or interference with your life? It's possible you just had isolate periods of psychosis. If they are a serious cause of consistent impairment, schizoaffective disorder is possible. Check out the mayo clinic's website: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sch...sorder/DS00866 .

I can sympathize with the desire to find a label toe explain your symptoms. It took me a long while before I was able to change my focus from a diagnosis to a treatment. It doesn't matter what I am labeled, what matters is that I find a treatment plan and medication that reduce my symptoms.

You are on Lamictal and Seroquel? Lamictal is a great mood stabilizer (IMHO) and I love this med. Seroquel did not work so well for me though. I was too groggy and "out of it". Are you taking any sort of an AD? If you are in a major depression part of your cycle... this may be a good alternative. Wellbutrin is commonly prescribed for bipolar II, and affects the serotonin, norepinepherin, and dopamine neurotransmitters.

I hope this helps.

[JourneyUpward]

Hi Ann,
Thank you for your response. I think I will print out the MayoClinic page you spoke of and bring it with me to my pdoc visit on the 18th.

Ann, your symptoms and the way you express your emotions sound as though I had written them myself--my heart goes out to you.
I am so happy that you are using what you experience to help others through your journal and postings. And I'm proud of you for working so hard to get your degree in the field of psychology or psychiatry. I know its not easy but you'll be well armed to fight the battle to save your life and the lives of others. I'll have to call you Wonder Woman.

You are right, treating the symptoms is the most important thing, but I can't help but feel that the extreme depression I had, with just enough energy to cut and plan and pack my car for a suicide trip, was more than just cyclothymia. And, I agree with you, severe Major Depressive Disorder can't possibly go hand in hand with true cyclothymia. And, I didn't have mixed moods until I started Cymbalta and coming off Paxil, so that tells me it probably was a bipolar reaction that kicked off the extreme emotional pain that sparked the cutting and the overwhelming desire for suicide. I was so close to carrying out the plan but fought with my last ounce of strength to pray and try to refocus. So, my feeling is, if I don't have a clear-cut diagnosis, I don't know what I'm really watching for. I didn't think cyclothymia or even moderate major depression should be so severe or that cyclothymia could cause mixed moods, or that it could rapid cycle between anger, agitation, elation, rage, sadness, and exhausting dark depression 3 full cycles in the same day! pdoc says he's not worried about the hypomania, just the depression at this point, because I scared him half to death when I was suicidal, I think.
Thanks again for answering my post.
I wish you health, peace and much success in you endeavors.
Hugs, JourneyUpward

[AnnHertel]

Thank you for such kind words

Originally Posted by JourneyUpward

And, I agree with you, severe Major Depressive Disorder can't possibly go hand in hand with true cyclothymia.

I'm glad you agree I hope your doctor can reevaluate what he is diagnosing you with... then you can have a better idea of what your symptoms are and what can trigger mood shifts. Have you thought about keeping a mood diary/journal until you have your next appointment? It will give the doctor a clear look at what your symptoms are presenting as and may help the diagnostic process.

~Wonder Woman