Why are you alive? ((suicidal/depression trigger!))

"Why do you choose to live? "
Life is precious. I have a mother, sister, and grandmother who love me dearly. If I were to end my life, they would be devastated. When I am in the pits of despair, their love for me keeps me going.

"What motivates you to make an effort in life?"
I am too darn stubborn to give up. Regardless of how crappy the day may be, I refuse to believe this is what my life is meant to amount to. I *know* there is more for me out there. If I quit, I will never know anything better. I have been given this life and these trials and I will not fail. So I keep trying, no matter how hard or how many times I fall down.

"Why do you get out of bed in the morning?"
I have a little dog who needs to be fed and taken outside to pee. She loves me unconditionally and depends on me... I cannot let her down.

"Do you WANT to live?"
Yes. I will die someday, so I'd rather let this life play out before I reach death and go into whatever is beyond. I want to see how much good I can do for other people, how many people I can reach out to and help with their mental disorders. I want to spread love and kindness to the people in my life. There is so much negativity in this world... I want to do what I can to give a little good to people.

Ahhhh! I obsess tooo!!!!!!! holy smoke, like now, I wasn't obsessing yesterday, but tonight I am not sleeping, I don't want to sleep... I want to help others on the forums and I want to help share my blog and I want to do more research to post to my blog to help others and I want to have people vote for my blog to be one of the top health blogs on the network I belong to and I want to do all of these things and yes I am obsessed!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I thought about this the other day... I am not alive...I am a member of the walking dead...a hard truth to face!

TJ

I feel like that when I'm tierd; depression makes me so tierd---sometimes I feel like I'm walking around in wet denim. Even when my meds are working I have off days that remind me that "IT" is just below the surface.

When I was in the hospital this summer (after 3 suicide attempts in 2 months...) I read the book called the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. It has a full chapter on suicide, and suicide prevention. It has a huge long lists of reasons to live. I checked a lot of those reasons.

I did finally wake up and realize I couldn't do this to my family. I have a 3 year old daughter. I love her more than anything. In my irrational state, I thought she would be better off without me, I was a bad mother, etc. But now that I am thinking more clearly, I can't even bear to think what it would have done to her if I was successful.

Anyway - I have a whole lot of other reasons to live, but I can't remember! They're all written down at home, I read it every now & then.

On the Lamictal front - my psych nurse increased the dose up to 500mg!! She said it's been given up to 800mg!! So if it's not working, maybe you need a dose increase. Or another medication on top of it. I'm currently on Lamictal (400mg), Lithium (1200mg), and Zyprexa (2.5 mg, weaning off next week - I was on 10-20 mg at some points)