[bizi]

Self-Defeating Beliefs and irrational thinking
1. Emotional perfectionism: " I should always feel happy, confident and in control of my emotions"

2. Emotophobia: "I should never feel angry, anxious, inadequate, jealous or vulnerable."

3. conflict phobia: " people who love each other should not fight"

4. entitlement: "people should be the way I expect them to be."

5. low frustration tolerance: "I should never feel frustrated,
life should be easy"

6. performance perfectionism: "I must never fail or make a mistake"

7. perceived perfectionism: "people will not love and accept me as
a flawed and vulnerable human being"

8. fear of failure: "my worthwhileness depends on my achivements,
(or my intelligence, or status or attractiveness)."

9. fear of disapproval or criticism: "I need everybody's approval to be
worthwhile"

10. fear of rejection or being alone: "If I am alone, then I'm bound to feel miserable and unfulfilled. If I am not loved life is not worth living."

These are self-defeating beliefs and might be part of our self esteem and
linked to co-dependant behavior.
Each one of these beliefs is irrational thinking and are some common cognitive distortions. They include the 10 types of stinkng thinking.

1. all or nothing thinking: "I am either a success or a failure" " the world is either black or white"

2. Mind reading: "They probably think that I am incompetent," "I just know that he or she disapproves" Don't jump to conclusions.

3. emotional reasoning: "Because I feel inadequate. I am inadequate"
"What I feel therefore I am."

4. Personalizations: "That comment wasn't just random, it must have been directed toward me."

5. Overgeneralization: "Everything I do turns out wrong. It doesn't matter what my choices are, I always fall flat."

6. Catastrophizing: "If If I go to the party there will be terrible consequences", " I better not try because I might fail and that would be awful!"

7. Should statements: "I should visit my family everytime they want me to." " You should do this or that"

8. Control Fallacies: "If I'm not in complete control all fo the time, I will go out of control" "I must be in control of all of the contingencies in my life."

9. Comparing: "I am not as competant as my co-workers or supervisors." "Compared to others there is clearly something flawed about me."

10. Heavens reward fallacy: "If I do everything perfectly here, then I will be rewarded later," I have to muddle through this life maybe things will be better latter."

11. Disqualifying the positive: "This success experience was only a fluke', "The compliment that I received was unwarrented"

12. Perfectionism: "I must do everything perfectly or I will be criticized and a failure."
"An adequate job is akin to a failure"

13. Selective abstraction: The rest of the information doesn't matter. This is a salient point" "I must focus on the negative details
while I ignore and filter out all of the positive aspects of a situation. and obcess about it"

14. Externalization of self worth: "my worth is dependant upon what others think of me" "They think therefore I am"

15. Fallacy of change: "You should change your behavior because I want you to."They sould act differently because I expect them to."

16. Fallacy of worrying: " If I worry enough it will be resolved." "One cannot be too concerned"

17. Fallacy of ignoring: "If you isnore it, maybe it will go away." If I don't pay attention then I will not be held responcible"

18. Fallacy of fairness: "Life should be fair, people should be fair."

19. Being right: I must prove that I am right because being wrong is unthinkable." To be wrong is to be a bad person."

20. Fallacy of attachment. "I can't live without a man." "If I was in an intimate relationship all of my problems will be solved." "You can only be attached by being intimate with them."

[madisgram]

how true! so many of the points you listed are things i had to learn in therapy. thanks for the post.

[tjto]

Very helpful thanks for posting this

[Christynott]

Originally Posted by bizi

Self-Defeating Beliefs and irrational thinking
1. Emotional perfectionism: " I should always feel happy, confident and in control of my emotions"

2. Emotophobia: "I should never feel angry, anxious, inadequate, jealous or vulnerable."

3. conflict phobia: " people who love each other should not fight"

4. entitlement: "people should be the way I expect them to be."

5. low frustration tolerance: "I should never feel frustrated,
life should be easy"

6. performance perfectionism: "I must never fail or make a mistake"

7. perceived perfectionism: "people will not love and accept me as
a flawed and vulnerable human being"

8. fear of failure: "my worthwhileness depends on my achivements,
(or my intelligence, or status or attractiveness)."

9. fear of disapproval or criticism: "I need everybody's approval to be
worthwhile"

10. fear of rejection or being alone: "If I am alone, then I'm bound to feel miserable and unfulfilled. If I am not loved life is not worth living."

These are self-defeating beliefs and might be part of our self esteem and
linked to co-dependant behavior.
Each one of these beliefs is irrational thinking and are some common cognitive distortions. They include the 10 types of stinkng thinking.

1. all or nothing thinking: "I am either a success or a failure" " the world is either black or white"

2. Mind reading: "They probably think that I am incompetent," "I just know that he or she disapproves" Don't jump to conclusions.

3. emotional reasoning: "Because I feel inadequate. I am inadequate"
"What I feel therefore I am."

4. Personalizations: "That comment wasn't just random, it must have been directed toward me."

5. Overgeneralization: "Everything I do turns out wrong. It doesn't matter what my choices are, I always fall flat."

6. Catastrophizing: "If If I go to the party there will be terrible consequences", " I better not try because I might fail and that would be awful!"

7. Should statements: "I should visit my family everytime they want me to." " You should do this or that"

8. Control Fallacies: "If I'm not in complete control all fo the time, I will go out of control" "I must be in control of all of the contingencies in my life."

9. Comparing: "I am not as competant as my co-workers or supervisors." "Compared to others there is clearly something flawed about me."

10. Heavens reward fallacy: "If I do everything perfectly here, then I will be rewarded later," I have to muddle through this life maybe things will be better latter."

11. Disqualifying the positive: "This success experience was only a fluke', "The compliment that I received was unwarrented"

12. Perfectionism: "I must do everything perfectly or I will be criticized and a failure."
"An adequate job is akin to a failure"

13. Selective abstraction: The rest of the information doesn't matter. This is a salient point" "I must focus on the negative details
while I ignore and filter out all of the positive aspects of a situation. and obcess about it"

14. Externalization of self worth: "my worth is dependant upon what others think of me" "They think therefore I am"

15. Fallacy of change: "You should change your behavior because I want you to."They sould act differently because I expect them to."

16. Fallacy of worrying: " If I worry enough it will be resolved." "One cannot be too concerned"

17. Fallacy of ignoring: "If you isnore it, maybe it will go away." If I don't pay attention then I will not be held responcible"

18. Fallacy of fairness: "Life should be fair, people should be fair."

19. Being right: I must prove that I am right because being wrong is unthinkable." To be wrong is to be a bad person."

20. Fallacy of attachment. "I can't live without a man." "If I was in an intimate relationship all of my problems will be solved." "You can only be attached by being intimate with them."

How true. I teach some of these things in groups that I teach, but I often need a reminder. Thanks

Sounds like what I am learning in my DBT group. It is a lot to change as far as thinking patterns, isn't it? But step-by-step, I'm starting to learn new thinking skills ("wise mind")--Suzy

[bizi]

Dear suzy,
this is a life long process, know that you are doing the best that you can be doing any given day.
and that you can handle what ever comes your way.
You can do this...you are doing this!
bizi

[theama]

Heh, I suffered from number 13 - focusing on the negative really gets to you. Especially if you're paranoid as well. o.O

I have a question though.. since it's irrational thinking, clearly I can't be rational when approaching those statements. So uh.. what's the irrational part of number 10 and 20?
For me, that's what I want in my life. Some people want a career, some people want to see the world, I want to meet a good man, get married, have kids and be a housewife. I'm not even kidding lol.

I don't obsess about it when I'm doing good (like now), but when everything crashes down - the thought "If I had a special somebody, it wouldn't be so bad" repeats itself. But I also know that I'm right in thinking so. When I was with my ex (were together for 2 years and were engaged), I was off medication. He worked as a placebo for me, I only had two episodes of depression, but I can't call it depression - it was more like despair. Everything felt useless, but when I saw him - I knew that things weren't as bad as I'd like to pretend they were.
Who cares if I have no money, if I lost my job, if I'm flunking school - I had him and he was all I needed.

To put the effect he had on me in perspective; a month after we broke up I had a severe mental meltdown, I quit school, I was suicidal for two years, I was in and out of psych wards etc. I haven't managed to climb myself out of that dark pit until now; and I only have Lamotrigin to thank for that.

So uh.. can the listed irrational thoughts sometimes be rational?
I'm not in any therapy thingies.

There's also one that I came across while reading up on self-sabotage; when you're afraid of doing good because people will expect you to do good in the future, but you're also afraid of doing bad and being a failure. Being in the grayzones instead of black/white.

Maybe basing your whole life & happiness on this one goal of having a spouse & being a wife?? What if that is not in the cards for you? You need to develop yourself as a full person--as a worthwhile person yourself--regardless of whether you will achieve your dream or not. And a little secret, you will be much more attractive as a mate if you are a fully functioning, independent, interesting, successful person in your own right. Take care & "grown yourself."--Suzy