[hgray104]

Sometimes when my hubby is drinking, all of a sudden, I will sense disapproval from him. He glares at me or makes off-handed comments that hurt my feelings. Then I go into my desperate rage mode.

I have told him 1000 times how to help me calm down when I go into that crazy mode but it seems he wants to push my buttons. For instance, I have told him when I'm being 'unreasonable', it is best to just do anything he can to help me come back to reality. Even if I am wrong in that moment, he should save the blaming for later. But he'll either say "what is wrong with you?" or something like that or he will say "It's all my fault" (but I KNOW he's not being sincere and that drives me so crazy).

All I want is for him to help soothe me until I can come back to reality. Is that unreasonable? Is his behavior acceptable? I try to make sure that I am seeing things correctly. I know I don't a lot of the time so I get the sinking feeling sometimes that I am just really a nut and it's all my fault...

[Michah]

Hi there, Welcome to PC!!

When you ask is it you or your husband, you will probably find it is a bit of both.......you are struggling with what is happening and he is scared that he cannot help you. This can create a difficult dynamic.....

When you seek validation from loved ones, you must tread carefully.......they cannot know what you are dealing with and so sometimes in their mind, to validate your experience seems that they are "playing into it" which is different to providing support. That by unconditionally accepting it, they are saying that what you are feeling is true......it can be very overwhelming for people who do not experience what you do.

What you are experinecing is very real for you, as it is for all of us, but you cannot expect your husband to know how to deal with it effectively, just as we are not "born" with the tools of dealing with mental illness, neither are your supports......it is a learned thing and often people need therapeutic support on both sides.

Your husband loves you and wants you to be safe......that is all he wishes for but has no clue how to actually achieve that.......you can tell him what your needs are, which is good, but it takes time(the drinking probably needs to be addressed as it inflames an already difficult situation). But you must unltimately take responsibility for your own safety, your own healing. And your husband must take responsibility for his actions......

get help, sweets.......there isn't a person on here that i know of, that has not recieved therapy at some stage in their lives......

Be safe, be very kind to yourself and forgive others for not understanding, take control of your healing and empower yourself.......keep the faith in the process....

We are here......

[susan888]

Michah, Thank you for that answer...I struggle with the same problem. I think you are so right...