Voluntary Solitude

I hate my breaks between classes at school. As soon as the class is done I go into a panic mode and seek out others and escapes. My wife works during the day, so I don't know what to do with myself. I fear going back to past friendships that I've renounced, but I don't know what to do with myself. I have started calling old friends between classes and trying to meet and have lunch or beers, and when we do, I feel like my old self. Then I feel trapped, like I'm deceiving my wife while I'm at school.

Today I opted to stay home instead of going to classes. Even though I'm alone here at home, it's better than being alone at school and going into that panic. Does anyone else feel this way or have similar coping mechanisms?

Being alone in the middle of a crowd is much more difficult than being alone at home. I don't have a problem with being alone, but not having a place to be or not belonging anywhere gets very uncomfortable for me. I get disoriented and sometimes dissociate. Being in between classes is the kind of thing that could do that, to me anyway. I found that I needed to have some kind of home base on campus, and usually a place with familiar people I knew. A place to go in between classes. Could be a student lounge or a familiar eating place or whatever feels right to you.

I have tried that in the past. When I was in the arts school, I always hung out in the music lounge, but I found that over time it became this pit of unproductive (which I guess is like me at home but with other people; what's worse?). Also the people I am familiar with there, are not the most kind, and some trigger me to start drinking at school. Lately, I've found the best place is the library. I'm still alone, but there are people around me, and it's kind of calm. Then again, just getting out the door is hard, but I do manage about half the time. I'm determined to get out today.

I agree with Rapunzel.

Personally, I'm not good at all when alone. The library does work for me, because I'm not supposed to be interracting with others. Whatever I choose to do inside of the library feels okay...acceptable.

When the anxious & loneliness feeling strikes me at home, I go for power walks. Or I'll clean, bake, exercise, etc. Some kind of activity to get my mind off the fear of being alone.

I actually find myself preferring to be home alone then getting irritated with myself for self-imposed solitude. On your note I haven't tried the library but may do that. One thing I do tend to do is bake cookies and bread which I'd do even more but would end up with a ton of it in the freezer and no excuse to bake more. I guess I really have more of a fear of being around too many people. The odd thing is that whenever I travel outside the country, I don't have a problem with the crowds, even to India where my wife is from and Mumbai has over 16 mil people in it and is ALWAYS packed I never had an issue. I feel uncomfortable and I think it's from all the **** I caught from other people when I was young which made me distrustful and built up this wall of protection. Sometimes I feel like Pink in "The Wall" but I don't do the drugs and not a star. I've often found myself feeling "comfortably numb."

I have a Schizoid PD dx, which is kind of the opposite of BPD. To a schizoid, solitude is like oxygen; being in social situations is torture. Where being around others adds to your sense of self, being around others takes away from my sense of self. I'm only "solid" when I'm alone; around others, I often feel unreal and 'ghostly', sometimes in danger of evaporating altogether.

To Naturalist1133: I kind of envy your sociability. I think that we both go to extremes, you in one direction and me in the other, but I feel a kinship with you at the same time. How annoying it is to have one's "reality" depend upon the presence -- or absence -- of others! Mike