I can't handle school with my depression, anxiety and borderline :(

I really can't deal with school. I want to drop out, but due to my stupid anxiety i get fired from most jobs i get. I don't want to spend all day sitting in my room either, because i am socially screwed, and can't even walk on the road or go inside a shopping centre.
I'm much to anxious to be around the crowd, i look down, get clammy and have panic attacks. I always get angry at my friends because i am unstable and over-sensitive, plus madly jealous i can't live a normal teenaged life. I get frustrated, and argue with friends all the time, often saying things i regret because i am hurting. I constantly feel emtpy, and don't want to talk to anyone, so i end up alone but also push people away. I can't concentrate on my school work, i can't remember anything, and the most bad thing is all i keep thinking about while i am at school is cutting myself. I visualise the knife, and the blood, and sometimes go in the toilet to cut. And then when i get home it is the first thing i do. It is making me increasingly suicidal, just last week i tried to overdose. I can't keep living like this, i hate school, but i can't see a way out. I am in year eleven, and i know is one more year, but a year is actually a very long time.
Not to go on and on, but do you have any ideas? I have thought about dropping out alot, but if i can't get a job what good am i? Medication and therapy continue to fail in helping me. I always have time off, and teachers often get angry i miss out on work. The only thing i like doing is film making, i am very talented at that, and i would love to begin a career in it. But i fear i can't finish school. Can i drop out and prepare for that?

Thankyou so much for taking the time to read, it means alot.
x September.

If at all possible, don't drop out. You're smart. This condition shouldn't be allowed to define your success in school! There are ways to manage it, but you need support in accessing them. If you can, get your parents to be your advocates, and your psychiatrist and your therapist. If you don't have those last two, GET them. (that's one of the big reasons you need parental support: an insurance company.)

I've been on three sides of this: the sixteen-year-old kid, the teacher, and a school counselor.
Here's what happened as a kid. Nothin'...............GRRRRRRRR......All kinds of trouble. All regrettable and all stupid in the end. The drugs I got put on were heavy hitters (like Thorazine) and just made me zoned out. They kept me out of everyone else's hair, though, and they kept me from horror...just left the sadness, loneliness and despair.
SO, when I had students who had this issue--and we called it bipolar, because that, tough as it is, was still safer to talk about than borderline, because of the old stigma--I could talk to them AND their parents (has to be together) AND the school counselor about what can be done for us: First get a good psychiatrist, not the family doctor, who just isn't equipped to deal with this; be allowed to escape from a class if I was in a bad state (and it was the counselor's job to talk to my teachers...and, dang it, the principal), friends--or a student assigned by the teacher and who then got to list tutor on their job resume and career counseling stuff--to take notes for me if I needed it; the allowance that hours that I missed wouldn't be counted as days by the attendance officer (tardies weren't a big problem, because kids are mostly conditioned to be morning-people by the school system...but not always); and two times a week counseling.
Our schools were too small for either a school nurse or a school psychologist, so those positions weren't included in the loop, but they could be at a larger school.
As a counselor, I did all the things above, and I ran a groups for bipolar kids--still not using the label borderline because there is some pretty stupid bad press out there--especially among the adults (one for boys, one for girls), I worked directly with the county mental health agency to refer kids for their groups, I worked with them to start a DBT group--which helps tremendously, even though it is also tremendously hard (and we got two groups going), and we figured out pretty fast which psychiatrists were doing a good job with the disorder and which ones weren't.

The most helpful drug for cutting, for me and many of the people I worked with, was Naltrexone. It's used for addicts coming off of their narcotics or, sometimes, alchohol. Ask your psychiatrist about it. It works. As for other drugs, I went through a couple of years of adjustment, with fairly rapid improvement within the first four months, when I switched to a really smart psychiatrist. The drugs we used were Abilify (which I eventually had to stop for other reasons), Geodon, Risperdal, Lamictal, and Tegretol. We were able to cut out all of them except for Lamictal and Tegretol, the doses of which we alter depending upon the levels (you do blood tests with each one). It's working well for me----I do use three other drugs as needed: Nuvigil, when I am having a sluggish day and getting depressed; Lunesta when I can't make myself go to sleep or I keep waking up every ten minutes.

It's very important to find a psychiatrist who will find a drug combination that will work for you. S/he shouldn't give up, some combination will work--Abilify usually does the trick, though.--ask them to avoid anti-depressants, unless it's really clear you're not bipolar.........and that's hard to be sure of until you're through your early twenties...maybe even then?

You hang in there! And keep talking to us.
If you need to "drop out" there are ways to do it and still work on getting credits. I can talk about that if you need it, but please try to stay in school: it gives you teachers, peers, social interaction, a schedule to your life (which helps with stability), some activities which you really enjoy....

Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad you're here. It helps to hear other people going through similar things.

Yes, a year is a long time. And it sounds like the environment is really triggering you right now. I know what that's like and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Are you at a point in therapy where you can talk to your therapist about the SI and the anxiety with other people that sets you off? Can your therapist help you with some coping skills so you can manage that better?

Working on this stuff really does help. Try to give it time. I know a lot of people with BPD want things to happen "right now" (I'm guilty!) but can you stop and think of small ways it's getting better or small goals you can work on for now?

Filmmaking is awesome! Instead of quitting to work on it, can you focus on it when you're outside of school? Maybe it can make school better if you have something positive to come home to. If crazy/awful things happen at school, you could use that for a film idea. If teachers are mean, you could make a film where you skewer people like them. (Not while you're in school--that would be big trouble!!)

Just to be honest, I'll tell you I've quit lots of stuff. School programs, classes, jobs (lots and lots of jobs). It feels really good for about two weeks. And then you have to deal with the fallout. If you quit for the wrong reasons (feeling you just can't cope, anxiety, following an impulse, mad at someone) you will regret it, even if you find something else good to do. I hope you are able to find a way to stay in school.

I hope you're feeling better for now. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted about how you're doing!!

Thankyou so much for your feedback, i never knew that there was people willing to help others to such an extent! It is amazing to see that you have been on all three sides of this, so the advice is very very helpful. It really restores hope in me. The things you said were very helpful, especially the part about finding a psychiatrist who understands the disorder, my one, well...he both does and doesn't, but he is an excellent psychiatrist, who i will probably stay with. I am going to see him again friday and the first thing i am going to do is ask about Naltrexone, because the cutting is a huge issue. Your right when you speak about assesing school and plans in order to find stability, that is something which would help me greatly, as i find no order in things. My parents unfortunately, are not really in the picture, my father doesn't live here, and my mother has anxiety and OCD, and she never understands what i tell her, no matter how detailed or simple i make it, its always "You'll be ok. Just don't kill yourself" I'm thinking after you said get your psychiatrist and therapist to be your advocated, that i will get another therapist? It sounds good to have a support team, and i will disciplin myself in that sense, because i tend to push everyone away, when i actually need someone to explain to me what is happening and how i should organize it. I understand when you speak about drugs that make you zone out, many times i have gone to school feeling like an empty zombie, just staring out the window, and its nice to see that someone else has gone through the trial and error of medication, and your right when you talk about the stigma of the word "Borderline" because people usually say things like "So your practically crazy???" So usually if i have to tell someone, i say its bipolar. But i've also found when i have told close friends, they don't know what the borderline is, or what my anxiety and depression can do to me, and seem to not care. Sometimes it would help if it was treated as more signifigant, but my psychiatrist seems to think so, you seem to think so, so my support network is building. You mentioned that when you were in a bad state for class you had organized for this to be ok (Well, organized for it to be accepted) Do you think that could be the case for me too? Because sometimes i am on the verge of tears, and get angry and snap at students or teachers, before resorting to the stupid cutting. I might go talk to the human welfare manager at the school, who might set me up with the counselor and help me organize something. And i agree that i definately wouldn't rule out bipolar just yet, it seems very possible right now. I wouldn't mind having the same medication plan as yourself, to help with those crashing moods and the alert mind that can't seem to be silenced, but i guess its all differen't for everyone. This is all something for me to bring up with my psychiatrist, though i guess as stupid as it sounds i have been hesitant, and scared he will hospitalize me again like the last few. That didn't help! haha.

When i think in the long run, if i leave school now i would not get a job because i am too anxious, lose my small amount of friends, and probably sit around in my room feeling ****** hacking at my arms and legs. I suppose, i had better organize school to be less unpleasant, and try battle it out, but keep in mind that i can drop out if i need it...I guess i have to go with the flow for now. Sorry for novel length response, and thankyou so much for your feedback
x september

Thankyou for your feedback also
You are so right, i do want things to happen now, right now. And i guess i am blinded by the moment, and my impulse to feel better instantaniously. For some ****** reason, it is so much easier to follow these impulses, like leaving school, than prioritizing my goals, and making it easier. Because i almost know that if i leave, i won't get a job and i will regret leaving in (like you mentioned) about two weeks. But acknowledging this doesn't make it less tempting :P

You are right,
concentrating on film making would make it ten times easier at school, because it is my love and passion, and i suppose i am lucky to have that. If i dropped out i would be stuck in a bog anyway, with a ****** job and (more) ****** future, so i suppose if i stay i work up experience, and i could start a few tafe courses, and then my future career won't be so thin and stuggling.

Now that i have read these responses i feel alot more energized? To do something about these problems. I guess sometimes in a small town where you don't really assosiate you lose track of the rest of civilization, and you feel so alone.
So thankyou for the reminder of hope,
it helps more than you know,
and you both just saved me a cutting sesh
x september

September--Yes! Go see that Human Welfare manager, for sure!!!! You might take a copy of my post--evidence that people DO help out in a big way, that it can be done (but don't use it "in your face!"!!!!! get as much help and advocacy as you can.

Also, how about giving the Human Welfare manager the PsychCentral site? Maybe s/he already has it, but if they don't, this would be a great resource for them. Same for the school mental health helpers/counselors...and a teacher you click with? You never know what kind of interference they can run for you with other people who don't get it....

I'm so sorry your mom can't help more. It's clear she needs support herself. It would be great if she could get it and you two could be support for each other, even in small ways. Sometimes it doesn't work that way....but sometimes it does.

Let us know how it all goes!
hugs!

I hope you have film class every day. It sounds completely involving, fascinating, very fun and creative.

(((September))) Yay! You do sound much more energetic today. I'm glad you posted back. Hoping you have a good Tuesday/Wednesday, too (can't figure out if you're ahead or behind there--brain hurts ).

Hi, September-Rain--How is it going for you?