[MDDBPDPTSD]

Went to T. today. Went well, overall. Got home & started to put my dogs out. A stray dog from the neighborhood came into the yard & Pepe', my best friend, took offense at the stranger coming into his territory. He took off after this little guy before I even knew what was happening. I hadn't gotten Pepe' on his leash yet & he just ran after the unwelcome guest.

The two ran across the street. I screamed so loud that I was heard throughout the neighborhood. They both made it to the other side. I was so scared! I have some physical challenges & I am not able to run after Pepe' & I was terrified of losing him forever.

I go get the phone to call a neighbor for help, but when she answers, I see her fiance' is already on his way. Apparently, he heard me scream from 4 houses away!...

I told him that Pepe' ran off & he went after the chihuahua. My best friend was back with me within a minute. Everything is fine now.

So what's the problem?

This whole incident upset me so much, I am still not OK. It was 5 hours ago!

Once I got back inside with Pepe' I held him & just cried & cried. He didn;t seem to understand why I was crying, but he licked my tears away. I talked to him the whole time, explain to him why he should leave me ever, but he had no clue.

In the short amount of time he was gone, in my mind, he had been ran over by a car, gotten lost, become a street dog, gotten diseases & had to fight for his existence, while I wasted away emotionally because my best friend was gone.

I am not sure I could live without this little guy. I know my life would not be as tolerable. He helps me to get through the day. He is my service dog & my best friend. I have other dogs too, but I have told Pepe' is my .

So, I have tried some skills from DBT to calm myself. I have tried distraction, self soothing & improving the moment. All have helped somewhat, but I am still not back to baseline. I thought I would allow myself to ramble here, as finding someone who understands might help too.

If all else fails, there is always Ativan. I am trying to use that as little as possible. Anyway, if you've read this far, I thank you.

[bpd2]

Oh, dear M! I completely understand this! And I think this may be the hardest thing about the condition: the terrible imagination--the projection of a fateful doom--and the duration of the height of emotion to which the fear takes us! Talking about it helps, hugs are better, soothing myself with warm blankets out of the dryer, warm socks, a quiet house/place, watching a flame--a candle or a wood fire--all help me. The hug that lets me cry myself out and rest, maybe even doze a little in someone's arms is best. That's why I go for being wrapped in warm blankets, maybe sitting with a desk lamp near my head--shining warmth above me--holding a pillow, or something steady that is like a warm around me. When I am calmer, I am very careful with my mood--I keep things calm and quiet, let myself move a little more slowly, only do pleasant things that tidy my world so that I feel like it is not out of control--like, washing dishes, doing a load of laundry, tidying the living room, letting the answering machine get the phone. Simple food that is good for me. Honoring myself and that I was afraid, but that it is all right now.

Here is a hug: and the love of understanding:

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I hadn't thought of warm blankets from the dryer. What a good idea. The chihuahua loves warms things from the dryer. I guess it should have occurred to me to try this before, but it just didn't. Thanks for the suggestion.

The candle thing. especially a lovely scented one, is one of my favorite self soothing techniques.

I really like the sentence " Honoring myself and that I was afraid, but that it is all right now." I am not sure I know how to do that, but it sounds so peaceful & validating. If you have the time, could you expand on that a bit?

Thanks for your response & for the hugs & the understanding. It does help to know that I am not the only one like this.

[bpd2]

M--I wasn't on much at all yesterday. I took my daughter to a doctor many hours away, so I missed your post until now--sorry!

Honoring myself and my fear means that I respect that I have extreme emotions, that this is me, now. I study not judging myself in the same way that I wouldn't judge someone who needs to grieve or to face a new job or to leave home for the first time--or to change their diet because they have just developed an allergy--or someone who has to switch to the MAOI drugs that require eating no hard cheeses. I am in a situation. If I judge myself, I've found, I am not only being unfair to myself, but I am likely making my emotions stronger and more extreme, adding shame, adding more fear--and making me want to hide...

The fear is justified by where our heads go...they go there. Period. While we are in fear, it is very unlikely we can soothe ourselves quickly. Even if we only look at how long it takes for the stimulation of all the chemicals to stop, let alone wash away, we are look at hours. Yes, we would suffer less if we could speed up learning the skills we are practicing, yes it would be far better for us if we didn't feel so deeply. We are where we are, we are trying to soothe ourselves, we can use all the help we can get. This is so. This is just so. And we carry on, honoring our needs, just as we would honor any person's. We are people.