[Korana]

Having the ability to write in a comprehensible manners makes people assume I'm okay. but I'm not.
I've been sitting staring at this forum for a day trying to find the courage to write about my life. I'm ashamed of it. Writing about it makes it real. It's hard for me to accept that it's all real.

I come from what people might call a 'typical' BPD background. Upon reflection I believe many things planted this condition within me. And I'm furious.
I think about my parents and all I feel in contempt. I'm rushed with memories from my childhood, flash-backs, humiliation, fear, and constant grief.
My father was a bully. He beat my mother for whatever he saw fit to blame her for. When I was barely four years old he tried to smother her with a pillow. I was in the bed.
She had black-eyes every month, bruises on her throat. She was strong though, but only because she made herself cold. I remember thinking that she seemed dead. In my living memory I've never been hugged by her. When I fell from my bike, split my forehead and my chin wide open, she was there and she took me to the hospital. But she wasn't really there. She's soldiered on raising me and my siblings and I admire her for it. But I resent her, because clothes, food and shelter were not the only things I needed. When I cried I cried alone. My father beat us, my mother ignored us. I'm still angry. Because they assumed I was a stupid kid, but I saw things for what they really were. I understood.

When I was 8 my older cousin had an unhealthy interest in me. One summer's day, just before my birthday, he took me to an abandoned lane and he anally raped me. But I couldn't tell anyone. I blamed myself. I don't understand why.
This is one of the singular most devastating events of my life. I went from spending every day in the sun to sitting in front of the television like a zombie. No one mentioned the change. I don't think they cared.
I lost my virginity when I was 12 because my boyfriend told me he loved me. Very time I had sex I felt close to someone, and then humiliated and disgusted after. I spent my teen years sleeping with whoever wanted me. I could barely look at myself in the mirror.
I found my first love at 16. He was the greatest thing I had ever been around. I loved every part of him. Even when he changed after a while. When he cheated on me, and tried to convince me I was crazy and paranoid, I stuck with him. The emotional abuse and rough handling felt normal to me. When he was angry he would shake me hard. But I loved him. I was pathetic. He broke up with me and it took me over 2 years to feel stable again.
There are other things, smaller things. But those are the events that stick clear in my mind. I could never hold a stable relationship. I was never comfortable. They always ended terribly.

Right now in my life, after a failed attempt at university, a failed suicide attempt, a bout of drinking, a bout of casual sex and eating myself 3 stone heavier in a couple of months I found a new relationship.
This is my current boyfriend. We work because he accepts me as I am. He knows I'll become irrational and emotional if triggered. He knows I'll be unpredictable. But I do love him. And he loves me. I'm just terrified that I'll sabotage this, because I've never been able to function with another person so close. I'm constantly suspicious that he's cheating, I even feel emotional when he goes out on a drinking binge without me. I get jealous when he spends too much time with his friends. I'm spiraling here...

I still live at home. My relationship is still the same with my mother. She has a new partner, they've been together 12 years. He's decent. She hasn't changed much. My little brother has ADHD and spends time with me trying to make me cry. I think he genuinely finds it amusing. I'm too old to be bothered by petty names but it hurts. He leaves stuff lying around, demands I clean it, or cook, or iron this or that for him. And when I don't he threatens to hit me, or smash my belongings. It's frightening...
That is who I live with.

I don't have a job, I never got experience. I have no money, though all I want is my own house. I never learned to drive.

I've drifted away from most of my friends and spend weeks alone sometimes.

This year I promised myself I would try and change, but every time I think of it I'm convinced I'll fail.
I've been writing a novel for about a year and all I want is to finish it and be published. I want to be an author so bad. It's my dream, and I'm terrified of chasing it because failure would kill me.
I want to spend time with my friends and feel secure. To not be convinced that suddenly they don't like me, or they have something against me or they're going to hurt me.
I want to feel more secure with my boyfriend. I want to lose weight. I want to be more active, travel, start living a life instead of sitting here waiting for something to trigger all of the madness at once.
I sit and I pray for the irrationality to come in an avalanche, because then, I'm convinced, I would be able to end it all and be at peace.
And at the same time as I want that, I want to be alive and chase my dream and live.

I don't understand any of it. I just want to be okay. Therapy didn't work. And I'm too ashamed to go back and admit I can't live on my own.
I just need someone to care about this and get in this effort for me. I can't survive it alone. My family don't care. 'It's all in your head' they say. My boyfriend is involved enough. I won't put that burden on him.

Someone help me, please.
I've never used those words before but I think I have to.

I admit it. I need help. I can't survive this alone. I can't hold off the pressure by myself. I can't self-soothe after every upset. I can't function without a hand in the right direction.

I need someone.

Thank you if you've read this far...
I appreciate it..

Korana

[Dark_Dreams]

First of all. welcome. I know how difficult it is to put yourself out there and ask for help. I commend you for taking the first step.

I want to spend time with my friends and feel secure. To not be convinced that suddenly they don't like me, or they have something against me or they're going to hurt me.
I want to feel more secure with my boyfriend. I want to lose weight. I want to be more active, travel, start living a life instead of sitting here waiting for something to trigger all of the madness at once.

You have listed a lot of things here that you want. That is a great step. Writing down so you have some visual cues of your wants and needs is important before anything can really be done.

I'm sure you have a lot more than this that you would like to accomplish in your life. Keep writing these things down. However, try not to focus on the entire list at one time. Honestly no one can accomplish everyone right this minute. Every step can be a challenge and needs your full attention.

Hang in there. You have a desire for change and if you hang onto that and keep taking steps, you will get there

[cluelessgluten]

Welome Korana. You have to know you are not alone in your struggle. There are a lot of folks just like us here how will listen without judging you and will offer kind and helpful advice. I know it is hard to talk to therapist about these things all the pain and hidden emotions that flood your mind when you talk about the past and then there are the trust issues. I know. I stopped going my self but I am resolved that I will go back. So much unfinished business that I never told him that still there. You need to find a therapist you trust. We can offer advice and will listen but you really need to see someone and soon. You are crying out for help because your in a dark place. We have all been there. I always tell my self I'm fine I just need to get it together until the next time I'm triggered have family in tears and walking on egg shells around me. I have two boys who I want to be nothing like me but I fear if I don't seek help that is what will happen. I am a Guy so I cannot even image the terrible things you described here today but I will say that it was very brave of you and that you are taking a good first step asking for help. You should seek the help of a professional therapist. It might take time to find.one You trust but don't give up. It took me a while to open up myself and talking others they took longer and have gone through several doctors until they found one they trusted. So don't give up and keep asking for help until you find the right doctor for you. Hang in there.

[cluelessgluten]

I was thinking about what you said about not seeing friends. I have not had a real true friend in so long I forgot what is like. My wife is my only friend now. I avoid getting close to anyone. In fact one friend from years ago I found on face book and sent a request. He contacted me and then I got request from others back then. My chatted with him and caught up with em then he gave me his number and wanted me.to call. I freaked out and blocked him so he can't contact me any more. He was a good friend but for some.reason I just got so freak out. I don't get that. I definitely understand where your coming from. I want friends but get scared when I get too close to people. So dependent on wife and I don't know why she stays sometimes all the hell I put her through. But I'm glad she is there hate to think about what my life would have been like without her. Any body else would not Have stayed. I wonder how much more she can take sometimes. Well enough of my rambling hope you feel better.

[sugahorse1]

HI and welcome Korana. Your life story was very sad for me to read - I'm sorry you went through what you did.
Can you see a counsellor/social worker/therapist? To help you find you feet again

[ECHOES]

Korana,

You have exceptional courage to look at your life, to look within. And you have brilliant insights. You would benefit so much from psychotherapy. Would that be possible for you to do that, to open up your future to the possibilities that are there for you?

[bpd2]

Korana--
I agree with the others above. You have been through so much, and you are so brave and insightful.
The goals you list are real and possible. [And there's even a "normal" window of at least 10 years after high school (what is your equivalent? I'm in the US) for college/university, indpendent living, and relationships to be brought into place.]
You're very smart to want community. Maybe make it a goal to calll today one of the friends you haven't been seeing much but whom you miss. Reaching out makes such a difference; it's such a good thing.
Welcome!

[Korana]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I enjoyed reading the responses.

It seems that everyone is in a similar mindset about therapy, and I admit, it does sound nice to go back.
I was there for a period of maybe 6 months last year. I remember first going to the psychiatrist. He talked to me for about 30 mins, prescribed me a mood-stabilizer and sent me on my way. Then it took 2 months for a therapy appointment to come through. In the UK, mental health is on the NHS, it's a free service, but it's not exactly reliable.
My therapist was lovely, we talked for a few months and she was the one who diagnosed me with BPD. Then I got accepted into a program to work in Canada for a few months. That ended badly and I came home devastated, and just couldn't face coming back and telling her I failed. I haven't been back since.

I'll think about therapy, because you know what you're talking about. it would be the smart thing to do, a good starter option. And I'll start working on my list.
In fact I already have. it's my friend's birthday tonight and I offered to help set up the decorations beforehand. So I'm scooting off to do that shortly.
You people really do inspire me, and I hope it continues until the end of this bad patch.

I'm hopeful, but afraid, because I do try and socialize, I'm terrified of losing the people i cared about.
I just sit there in a circle of them and I say to myself, "well, here I am, but I still feel the same." I still feel that impending doom, that awkwardness, that shyness at being exposed.

I'll keep working at it.
Not drinking tonight because it's a big big trigger, I'd end up crying in a bathroom, puking and wailing. Not nice...
I'll come back later and let you know how it went.

Wish me luck

[cluelessgluten]

Good luck Korana. Yea I'd stay away from the alcohol too. It almost always triggers deep depression for me and end up giving wife a hard time. Good luck, have fun and go hang out with your friends.

[bpd2]

Best of luck, Korana!!!
The mood isn't us, you know...just this thing that washes over us...a tide...comes and goes. It's not your fault, and it will pass.

[ECHOES]

Wishing you luck!

[Korana]

Bpd2 - it's so great to have someone tell me it's not my fault. Truly it makes me feel that maybe it could be true.

I had the best time on friday! I cleaned myself up, saw friend's i'd lost touch with, sang bad karaoke and danced.
Sometimes i get a bit carried away when i actually have fun. It's so rare that i have a genuine good time out that when it happens i just go a bit nuts. So i got a lapdance, gave a lapdance. Lol. Hopefully there will be more of those nights to come!

[Uprwestsdr]

I am probably quite a bit older than you. In order to have any peace of mind I had to stop blaming my parents. They didn't set out to destroy my life, they're just people with problems. And, the hard thing was learning that I may have a disease, but that's no excuse because I'm responsible for my words and actions. It's not fair, I know, but then life isn't.

[Korana]

Thanks for your two cents. I see what you mean.
I'm feeling a bit defensive now though. I mean my experience with my parents couldn't be exactly the same as yours. I assure you I've been a brilliant daughter, full of empathy and barely an ounce of trouble. I resent them for not returning those sentiments. I don't blame them for the way I am. I blame myself for letting the horrible experiences in my childhood fester in my mind, turning me into some unpredictable and at times, raging monster.


Like tonight, I'm just sank. My mood was lovely earlier, nice and serene. And Now I honestly want to cry. But I triggered that myself. Found an old email detailing a conversation where my ex was trying to convince one of my best friends that I was a cocaine addict, unstable and unreliable as a friend and that he should stick with my ex. He proceeded to spew out a dozen more lies trying to, if not absolve himself of blame, then tone down the 2 years worth of discrepancies that lead to my first suicide attempt.

My mind keeps running over lines like, "If I could have had *** then I would have dropped -Korana- immediately. But that's the way it goes. My perspective was muddled"

I just still feel enraged and humiliated. Like when it all ended I went on a mission and ruined his life. Not verryyy maliciously. But by exposing him, I dug up every person he cheated on me with, every detail about every time, I posted every conversation where he tried to convince me it was MY fault he was being mean to me or manipulating me or lying to me, and I put it all out under the public eye and let him burn. Everyone in his friendship world was disgusted. I remember people saying. "That is not the person who I thought I knew. That's too cruel..."
And then they moved onwards, and I keep snagging my life on that time. Why?

My ex is one of my biggest triggers, still, and it's been 3 years since I broke free. Sometimes he texts me when he's drunk, saying he misses me and still loves me. It really hurts. Cause even though I'm with this amazing guy that I truly do love and want a future with, I still miss my ex too. I hide it and bury it and just can't seem to deal with the concept that even after 3 years and a whole lot of BS, I still have feelings for the person who almost killed me.

J Sorry guys, I'm just ranting. It's one of those nights. Wish I had a better grip on how I'm feeling. Kind of wish I was a robot for a while.

[bpd2]

One of the weirdest adages I've ever heard was: it takes twice as long to get over a relationship as it lasted.

Whaddaya think....Is this true? It seems to take me longer than that.......................I am so dreading divorcing my therapist!!!!

[Korana]

I heard that too! I was on this forum SYBD (Forum there no longer) and the relationship members and gurus were amazing. They said that too.
it probably is true. Which means I have another year before my brooding turns into an undeniable joke. I feel okay today though.
The bouncing back and forth gets a bit confuddling.

Gym tomorrow. Gonna burn off the crazy.