Nervous about fallout. Did I do the right thing?

OK. I guess it was in September or thereabouts, when this incident happened. I was freaking out about something & said that I wanted to die. Not an unusual thing for a borderline to say, which this person knew. I did NOT threaten suicide.

For whatever reason, this person informed my group that I was "suicidal." I am a member of this group & we have expectations of each other. Those expectations are pretty clear to everyone. The rules of the group are that what happens in the group, stays in the group. It is not a 12 step program, but my group & the 12 step program get our privacy tenants from the same place & take them as seriously.

Two members of the group called me. Both were angry with me. I told them both that I did not threaten suicide, but , as usual, I did want to die. One of them gave me a lecture about the uproar and pain I caused them by saying that I was going to kill myself. I did not take responsibility for that, because I did not threaten that. That group member's position was that if I say I want to die, that is the same as wanting to commit suicide & people should be angry with me. I respectfully disagreed with her, but left it at that, as did she.

A third member of the group did not bother to call me, nor did she believe any of the other members, apparently when they updated her. She, instead decided to call the authorities the next day! The police showed up at my door wanting to know who was suicidal in my house! I could have been arrested & kept for "observation" until I could be placed in a locked psych ward! All because this woman decided to believe the first report, not the next two & call the authorities, which is a breach of the group's own rules.

When this incident initially happened, I was furious. The person who made the call was not then known to me. It took me about a month to figure it out, partly because I was so upset. I talked with one of the leaders of the group, who was the same person who was so angry with me & thought that wanting to die is the same as being suicidal. She sided with the woman who called the authorities. She said that I should be grateful that I have such good friends who care about me so much! She also knew who made the call, but covered her identity.

OK, so since then, my attendance to the group has greatly diminished. I do not feel safe there any more. This incident has negatively effected me. This group is the only regular non-professional contact I have. If I end up not having this group, then I have no relationships but my family & paid professionals.

I finally decided to deal with this. I sent a carefully worded e-mail to the woman who called the authorities. I briefly told her of the pain she caused me & quoted the rules to her that she violated. I explained that I felt betrayed & that I have been uneasy in group because of this incident.

Now that the e-mail is sent, my mind is going in scores of different directions as to how this could blow up in my face. I do not believe I am wrong, but that doesn't really matter.

What I have learned from experience is that when I do step out to confront someone, they will try to escalate it & then I freak out & lose it & I look guilty. I do NOT want that to happen but I don't know how to prevent it. The only way I know to deal with it is to only communicate with her via e-mail. Unfortunately, to do that, I must drop out of the group, which was a valuable thing to me, before this incident.

BTW, the person who outed me to the group, who I originally told I wanted to die, has since apologized & been forgiven. She screwed up, admitted it & it's over.

Any suggestions are welcome.

I really don't want to burn this bridge, but I felt like I could not just keep quiet about it any longer. I was starting to get really snippy every time I was around her. I am not generally passive/aggressive, but was starting to act that way with her. It needed to be dealt with. Even if it means I get kicked out of the group, which it may.

Please tell me if you think I did the right thing. Tell me of ways to avoid freaking out over the coming confrontation with this woman (and probable denial) & any other suggestions you may have. Relationships are not my strong suit.

For what its worth I would of done the same thing, at least with an email you are not getting aggressive just talking and explaining how you feel.

Wait till she replies and then you will know where you stand.

As for leaving the group well it was her who broke the rules so if anyone should of been pulled up it should of been her !

I would not leave the group...

She may feel that she did the most proactive, caring thing by calling 9-1-1 when everyone else was just being angry with you. Her actions show concern, not judgement.

I think your group would be a much safer place if you decided to address this and what the expectations are when someone makes a benign statement like you did. It wasn't about suicide, it was about what was going on with you at that moment that felt so overwhelming and unbearable. What you needed was support in that, not judgement for being in pain. Suicidal thoughts can be seen as a way of saying "I am in *this much* pain"... Maybe you could lead your group to a discussion of this and it could include how something like this could be handled in the future. Learning from life's lessons is the best.

So, if she feels she acted in the most caring, supportive, proactive way by getting emergency help when she felt it was so important, she may respond in that way to your email. She may feel offended that her caring gesture isn't seen that way. She may feel fine in her own thoughts, that she did the right thing by her standards, and that others have other separate thoughts about what she did that are about them, and not about her. So, you and she have separate thoughts and may disagree on this, and that's okay. You both can feel like you did the right thing, because the right thing is defined by each of you separately.

What she did went againts the groups rules though .... Surely that should be addressed ?

I agree. The group should be led to deal with this. In addition to the fact that members of the group are still upset by this, there's the possibility that if it happened once, it'll happen again. It might be helpful to get the original friend's help on this--like ask her to prepare a comment of what she wishes she had done, instead of what she did. Another thing you might try very hard to do is to step back from the personal effects and look at what the group needs to do in order to be healthy and be safe for all its members, and use your experience as testimony, not as focus.

Thank you for your responses. Echoes, yours in particular is a totally different perspective that I am trying to see. I thing it would be helpful for this whole situation if I could see it that way.

BPD2: "use your experience as testimony, not as focus" Does that mean that we should use this as an example of why the need exists & not the focus of how we should have done things differently in the past, but how we can change ourselves so we have a better outcome in the future?

Tishie: "As for leaving the group well it was her who broke the rules so if anyone should of been pulled up it should of been her !" While I agree with that statement, the reality is that she is seen as more valued by the leaders of the group. She would be the one they would keep, if it came down to a choice between her & I. I would be the one rejected. No doubt.

Thank you all for your help. Sometimes I really feel like I am lost in the wilderness of life. Knowing that you are in this with me helps me very much. I do not feel so hopeless & isolated. Thanks PC, BPD2. ECHOES & Tishie.

I think that's it--but it is important to air that you were distressed by the incidents (it's not just one, but many). Once you tell your experience, I'd move past it as quickly as possible before people want to deal with "who did this and who did that" into what should WE do in situations when either we receive a call and someone says they feel like killing themselves--what sorts of questions should we ask or steps should we take; what should WE do when an anecdote is told to us--do we get more info?, do we act immediatly?, do we report it to our group leaders?, do we call the authorities?, and how do WE repair a disruption to group cohesion so that no one feels diminished, invalidated, unsupported, or unworthy. If you would be comfortable doing it, it would be a good move to type up the topics in a very simple outline (1, 2, 3, 4) in big type and pass it to everyone so that they see why you are bringing it up and where you are going with it. People who are defensive or emotional about a situation feel more control, feel like the situation is under control, if there is a concrete scaffolding to follow for the whole discussion. I, for one, lose my place very easily when emotions and confusion run high. I sometimes can't take my own notes, even. So, if someone has already done that for me, and can point to where we are, the experience of the moment snaps into place, at least occasionally, and I can stay with it. I don't know what your group is like, I don't know if this would work, and I don't know if it's something you can do on your own. If you don't trust the leaders to help you, maybe you could explain to your friend what you need and what you are trying to do. Two voices changes things...
You have to be willing to do this for them, too...not just for you........