On another site, just a few minutes ago, a man posted something he knew would offend me, because I had already said it would. I had also previously stated in the same thread that I don't understand why anyone would *deliberately set out* to be offensive.

Sometimes I can't tell when someone really is being abusive, or I'm being hypersensitive. So I quoted a t-shirt that reads, "Nothing is more satisfying than [messing] up someone's entire day with just a few words," and I asked him if this actually was his motive.

He surprised me by answering, "Absolutely."

Most people would, I'm sure, give the advice to "just ignore it" or "let it go." They would tell me, quite correctly, that he is pushing my buttons on purpose and that my getting upset is exactly what he WANTS. I shouldn't give him that satisfaction. This is of course true. There is a strong anti-baiting rule at that site, so rather than respond to him, I hit the report button. Since he has openly admitted that his goal WAS to upset me, I think that's the very definition of baiting. I will not reply to him whatsoever. He actually met his goal. He upset me. But darned if I'm going to let him KNOW that.

My question is now, what can I do to get it out of my HEAD? I can deal with *him.* How do I deal with *me*?

[MissMay1977]

Just acknowledge what he said and accept that it upset you and then move beyond it. It might help to write what he said on a piece of paper and then crumble the paper up. Also, try distracting yourself by doing something productive like chores, taking a walk, watching a funny movie. Just a few suggestions. That is terrible that he did that. There are some mean people in the world!

Be aware and grateful that you are not him.Yuk! Could you imagine being that way.He sounds pathetic.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by MissMay1977

Just acknowledge what he said and accept that it upset you and then move beyond it.

I would say "acknowledge what he said and accept that it upset you" and just think about that for a while. Do not "try to move beyond it" too fast. That only tells yourself that it is still bothering you but you want to deny that.

[Perna]

I would not have shared a trigger I had not disabled yet (that X would offend you) on a public board. However, since you did and someone pulled it; yes, you know there's a trigger there. I would look at the trigger and work now to disable it instead of looking at the person who pulled it?

It's a little like being a monkey who gets caught because a piece of fruit has been put in a chained jar which has a mouth big enough to let the monkey put its hand in but not big enough to let it get its hand out if it is holding the fruit. Let go of the piece of fruit you're holding! Disable your trigger.

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would not have shared a trigger I had not disabled yet (that X would offend you) on a public board. However, since you did and someone pulled it; yes, you know there's a trigger there. I would look at the trigger and work now to disable it instead of looking at the person who pulled it?

It's a little like being a monkey who gets caught because a piece of fruit has been put in a chained jar which has a mouth big enough to let the monkey put its hand in but not big enough to let it get its hand out if it is holding the fruit. Let go of the piece of fruit you're holding! Disable your trigger.

Not only is that great advice, but it is also something to DO, and doing is an antidote to fixating on pain or fear. Excellent advice, Perna!

[Ygrec23]

There are literally millions of "trigger-pullers" out there on the net; hostile people who love nothing more than to get under your skin and mess you up as much as they can. Does anyone really not know this? If you don't know this, go read the comments sections of any less-than-reputable net publication or blog, of which there are an infinite number. Comments sections are the gladiator pits of modern times, and every participant is a gladiator. Except that nobody has any armor and most sensitive people stay away from such comment areas. You wouldn't know this from PC, which is a very protected place. Nor from places where comments are moderated. But other places can get very ugly indeed. Take care!

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

There are literally millions of "trigger-pullers" out there on the net; hostile people who love nothing more than to get under your skin and mess you up as much as they can. Does anyone really not know this? If you don't know this, go read the comments sections of any less-than-reputable net publication or blog, of which there are an infinite number. Comments sections are the gladiator pits of modern times, and every participant is a gladiator. Except that nobody has any armor and most sensitive people stay away from such comment areas. You wouldn't know this from PC, which is a very protected place. Nor from places where comments are moderated. But other places can get very ugly indeed. Take care!

This was not an unmoderated comment section. It is a supposedly Christian website with rules similar to this one. I don't know yet how they're going to handle the obvious rule violation on an official level, but unofficially we're continuing the discussion as if he didn't even post. Without addressing HIM specifically, we just stayed on the general topic of how humor can be hurtful. Since it is in the Marriage forum, we are discussing it from that angle. I posted:

For me it's not the joke itself that offends, it's the deliberate intent to offend, that offends. If a joke hurts Person A, and Person B knows it, and continues it for the sole purpose of getting under Person A's skin, then it isn't funny any more. It's not a matter of "Person A can't take a joke." It's a matter of "Person B is being emotionally abusive."

There was a letter to Dear Abby some time ago. A woman wrote and said that there are two jokes her husband keeps repeating whenever they socialize. One is, "I'd like to die being shot by a jealous husband." The other, if a man is speaking to her at a party, is to approach him and ask, "Are you trying to steal my wife, you horse thief?" She said these jokes hurt her because one puts him in bed with another woman, and the other calls her a horse. Dear Abby advised, "Tell him once that these jokes hurt you. If he does it again, he is abusing you deliberately."

My ex disagreed and said he may genuinely forget that it hurts her. I say bunk. If a wife's feelings matter to her husband, he isn't going to "forget" that she has told him something hurts her. Furthermore, I don't think it's right to "rattle your cage," "yank your chain," "mess with ya," or whatever else a person calls being emotionally abusive.

And thank God, I am no longer married to a man who is so immature as to do that.

The post directly following this completely agrees with me. "Forgetting" is bunk. And the offender hasn't been heard from since.

So I need to disable my triggers. I need to drop the fruit and get my hand out of the jar. But HOW?

Well,that's just sad,probably profoundly true...nonetheless...just awful sad.You are a very wise man Ygrec as usual.Sadly though I can read that,see the truth written there...I cannot grasp the concept.There's something inside me that cannot absorb it.I hope I stay that way.I rue the day that my faith in the basic goodness of humanity dies ....for on that day the earth will receive a cold, calculated,frightening......enemy.God forbid my pain should ever be released and acknowledged as a human who has walked my path and become mindful of a thought such as that,woe and wrath would follow at my heels.I prefer to remain cold and broken and retain compassion.Perhaps my delusion that people are good saves me from lying in a heap on the floor or saves the world from a rebel without a soul.....I'd be one or the other.I think I'll wear my "Rose colored glasses"

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

This was not an unmoderated comment section. It is a supposedly Christian website with rules similar to this one. I don't know yet how they're going to handle the obvious rule violation on an official level, but unofficially we're continuing the discussion as if he didn't even post. Without addressing HIM specifically, we just stayed on the general topic of how humor can be hurtful. Since it is in the Marriage forum, we are discussing it from that angle. I posted:

For me it's not the joke itself that offends, it's the deliberate intent to offend, that offends. If a joke hurts Person A, and Person B knows it, and continues it for the sole purpose of getting under Person A's skin, then it isn't funny any more. It's not a matter of "Person A can't take a joke." ...

The post directly following this completely agrees with me. "Forgetting" is bunk. And the offender hasn't been heard from since. So I need to disable my triggers. I need to drop the fruit and get my hand out of the jar. But HOW?

Hmmm. There's most of your post, and then there are the last two sentences. My impression from the former part (and the part of your post that I omitted) is that you defended yourself very well and said everything that needed to be said. And then, as you say, "the offender hasn't been heard from since."

But then we come to your needing to disable your triggers and "get your hand out of the jar." I'm not sure I know what the latter means, but as to the former, relating to triggers, it would seem to me that by having what used to be called "hair-triggers" you're only setting yourself up for future misery. There ARE all too many people in the world who are nasty. I'm not saying they're a majority. They're just a fact of life. Which (to me) means that one must learn how to deal with them without one's blood pressure rising.

Those people are just going to be there from time to time and you can learn how to deal with them without doing so in a self-harmful manner. If you think about it, they really can't do you any harm. There is no real reason to feel threatened by them. They're far, far away on a computer screen, as are you. They don't know your real name and they know nothing about you at all. So the "threat" is about as minimal as can be. Try to use that knowledge to keep control over your feeling threatened. It is not at all like facing a bully in a schoolyard.

So. To me, the major danger in such situations is not from the nasty person. The major danger is permitting such people to get under your skin and raise your stress level, which has all kinds of negative physical consequences, as well as just feeling very uncomfortable. If you really internalize the fact that such people on the web are not dangerous, if you really accept that as a fact (which it is), you ought to be able to modify your own reaction and treat them with the cool, relaxed, contempt they deserve.

Hope this helps! Take care.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

Well,that's just sad,probably profoundly true...nonetheless...just awful sad.You are a very wise man Ygrec as usual.Sadly though I can read that,see the truth written there...I cannot grasp the concept.There's something inside me that cannot absorb it.I hope I stay that way.I rue the day that my faith in the basic goodness of humanity dies ....for on that day the earth will receive a cold, calculated,frightening......enemy.God forbid my pain should ever be released and acknowledged as a human who has walked my path and become mindful of a thought such as that,woe and wrath would follow at my heels.I prefer to remain cold and broken and retain compassion.Perhaps my delusion that people are good saves me from lying in a heap on the floor or saves the world from a rebel without a soul.....I'd be one or the other.I think I'll wear my "Rose colored glasses"

It's always good to hear from you, wolfsong, but it would be better to hear from you in a more optimistic tone. The post I injected into this thread to which you're reacting was by no means something intended to convince you or anyone else that people are bad. The vast majority of people, in my sincere view, are good. Are kind. Are loving and companionable.

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that a minority of jerks (I could use other terms) can't try to ruin the party for other people. Their existence, which dates from the year zero and will continue forever, is not at all something you should permit to rain on your parade. By no means do you have to let their being destroy your faith in human goodness. But to insist that EVERYONE be good and humane, or you will turn desperado yourself, is just silly.

With the most basic techniques of self-protection these nasties need not pose the slightest danger to you or to your state of mind, or that of anyone near and dear to you. First, understand that the people of whom I'm talking exist, for you, only on the internet. Second, know that you're insulated from them by several layers of self-help: your screen name, your password, their lack of knowledge of where you are, etc. Third, keep in mind that if you were actually physically facing them they would in all probability NOT have the courage to say or do in person the kinds of things they try to do on the web. The web makes it easy for cowards and sadists to try their luck against decent people, but they can't succeed unless you let them.

Even a bad dream is more real than they are. Don't let these idiots affect your realistic views of humanity. "Realistic," I say. No one of us is entitled as an adult to keep thinking that ALL people are nice. Most people, yes. And you can pick and choose your friends and acquaintances. So you really don't ever have to "lie in a heap on the floor" or "be a rebel without a soul." Take care!

You've helped a lot, Ygrec. Thank you.

Wolfsong, it's a fact of life that some, not most, people are nasty and evil-intentioned. I keep forgetting sometimes that these people would probably not have the guts to act the same in person as they act online. They hide behind their computers like toddlers hiding behind their mothers. And they probably have about the same maturity level too.

It is important to remember the "not most" part, which is why I bolded it. By far, the majority of the people in this world have good intentions and want to help others rather than harm.

I don't ever perceive you as anything but wise Ygrec.I possess an undercurrent of deep pain.There are two modes from which I function.I am crying as I write.Because I feel foolish for the severity of my post...and realize that my perspective is very off.I am either an innocent healer,or a broken shadow.I search for a middle ground and cannot find one.Sort of black & white...and though I hate to apply a label to behaviors...for fear it is a cop out...I am aware that I am a borderline,,,and that this needs work within.I am sorry (for me,and toward others ) for the stance I take.It feel too rigid and pervasive to change.I do try.It's my bad.Something I am aware of.Nothing aside from intense therapy will be able to heal it.I see the truth in your reply.I see the defeatist tone in my own.It is not "what Ygrec posted"...nor is it "that Ygrec posted it".You have a wisdom I admire.You are correct....an element of negativity and disregard exists...has existed since the beginning.I have never reconciled my mind to the fact....and at age 43 am shocked and surprised each time this sort show themselves.I realize as well,my sensitivities are 'handed over' due to a lack of mindfulness,with regard to the fact that it is life and perhaps even a necessary degree of life that there be this contrast of types in the world to highlight life lessons we must learn.Insulated as we are due to the fact that these are community boards ,the fact remains that logically the posts within the boards are brought by the fingers and mind of our fellow man.You say ....face to face these people would not have the courage to say or do things which are said/done in the web.(logically I know you are right)"MOST" wouldn't.I have considered that fact.You say 'unless you let them succeed' I do 'let them' I have no idea how to rearrange my impulsivity to bear that in mind at all times...and I become as a feather in the wind many times....blown by any small breeze.The intensity with which I replied was as a result of my projecting personal/current issues/emotions to a statement which apparently triggered some other thoughts.And lastly ....in reply to the last sentence......if I can get my head to rule my heart...that may change for me...and it in retrospect is very as per wolf...:"overthetop"Thank you for your reply.I hope I always hear from you.Be well.~W~(p.s (to original poster) I am sorry I hijacked the thread...not my intent.

Love birds flying......I agree...you are right.Thank you,Be well ~W~

I don't see it as hijacking the thread, Wolfsong. You just related to the feeling, that's all. Safe hugs, if wanted.

((((Hugs appreciated!)))))

[cautious hope]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

On another site, just a few minutes ago, a man posted something he knew would offend me, because I had already said it would. I had also previously stated in the same thread that I don't understand why anyone would *deliberately set out* to be offensive.

Sometimes I can't tell when someone really is being abusive, or I'm being hypersensitive. So I quoted a t-shirt that reads, "Nothing is more satisfying than [messing] up someone's entire day with just a few words," and I asked him if this actually was his motive.

He surprised me by answering, "Absolutely."

Most people would, I'm sure, give the advice to "just ignore it" or "let it go." They would tell me, quite correctly, that he is pushing my buttons on purpose and that my getting upset is exactly what he WANTS. I shouldn't give him that satisfaction. This is of course true. There is a strong anti-baiting rule at that site, so rather than respond to him, I hit the report button. Since he has openly admitted that his goal WAS to upset me, I think that's the very definition of baiting. I will not reply to him whatsoever. He actually met his goal. He upset me. But darned if I'm going to let him KNOW that.

My question is now, what can I do to get it out of my HEAD? I can deal with *him.* How do I deal with *me*?

Bullys are everywhere. Comfort yourself that while you improve, he will never truly feel joy. Bullying is a form of stress relief. He doent even know it. Believe it or not, we are better than him. When you meet a bully anywhere, ABSENT yourself, do not satisfy his sick needs and urges. Good for you for not emotionall0y responding.