[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hi, it's Billi.

Been a while since I posted on this board.

My bpd symptoms are escalating again and it is all I can do to hold on.

On the one hand, I know them now for what they are---abandonment issues and trust issues, brought on by extreme trauma growing up.

anyway, last night, Sunday, my roommate gave me short notice last night that my uncle, also his good buddy, is coming down tonight to visit us.

So I cancelled my therapy appt. LAST NIGHT (already over 24 hour notice and I am surprised they even let me re-schedule with out penalizing me).

I could have used the appt. tonight, too.

Anway, when I asked my roommate when my uncle was coming tonight, my roommate told me he still doesn't know when Uncle _______ is coming; he never called to tell us.

So I am hanging out to dry.

The other part of it is this: I am afraid Uncle ________ turned around and went back home because I had emailed him, telling him a little bit how I was doing (not that much---just that I had had a root canal) and then had "shifted" to his issues, saying, "Uncle _________, must have been hard for y ou to drive so far; you must be exhausted".

So it's not like I only told him about my problems in a lengthy email and not considered his! But did I drive him away just saying, "Uncle _________I'm okay; just had a root canal." Maybe I should have said, "Fine".

I am working very hard on "doing life like an adult" and not a "needy, selfish person who drives others away with her problems", as ppl have told me in so many words repeatedly.

and I am working hard too on dealing with that old tape that is suggesting to me that I am a horrible person who does not deserve the time of day from Uncle _________ because of my bpd.

sorry about this long email; I am guilty already. lol

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I was hoping somene had replied.

guess I can't expect much here either.

I had gotten a lot of support from you guys before and I hope I did not lose that support because I whine too much.

I wish I could delete this post now.

This will be my last post on this board.

I am sorry I bothered anyone.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

sorry I got so mad just now.

I need to give you all a break.

you are all people, just like me and I need to chill.

If you can't answer my posts, I need to let it go.

I have to got to just hash my stuff out and not worry about what you think.

But I am sorry if I posted and might have sounded too whiny.

Billi

[lotusflames]

i read your post yesterday and i didnt reply cos i didnt really understand.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by lotusflames

i read your post yesterday and i didnt reply cos i didnt really understand.

I had trouble articulating because I was so upset that night.

Bottom line was, I was afraid my uncle did not want to see me because I was "mental" and "needy" because I had told him in my last email that I was having problems. But I did not share a lot with him; just one sentence about my root canal and tooth extraction.

But, still, I was afraid he was turned off by hearing about my problems and deciding not to come down.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I realize now that it was my mental illness acting up.

I was an entirely other woman that night.

And right now I am feeling this way again because it's that time of the month.

it was then, too.

So my bpd and my pms---together.

OMG.

This month I will ride it out.

And take extreme care not to act on it or see it as something that is me. It's not.

Billi