[ilovedogs]

I posted on the bipolar thread this particular message and it was suggested that I come here:

Since my husband is in the process of getting a diagnosis, I wanted to ask here if these symptoms fit someone with bi-polar or if there might be a co-morbid condition going on, as well.

1. My dh won't wear his seat belt. He feels that the government is too involved in our personal lives and he doesn't believe the belts save lives anyway. UGH

2. He has broken (or removed the battery) from all the smoke detectors in the house. He can't stand the noise and literally turns into a raging mad man when they start to beep.

3. He has felt cheated at work so he took his work computer(he works from home and they provide a laptop) and dropped it on the ground on purpose. He was trying to break it so that they will give him a new one. He was proud of his actions and defended his behavior to me and to our 12 year old son. His thinking is 'an eye for an eye' and he sees everything done TO him as an injustice.

4.He doesn't trust anybody. NOBODY. Everyone is out to get him, just ask him.

5.He has severe noise anxiety. He can't stand the sound of the blowers in the neighborhood and has actually gone out and asked them to use brooms. He has NO tolerance for those noises and almost got into a fist fight with the groundskeepers at our country club.

6.He has broken a lawnmower by kicking it. He slammed an iron on the ground just because it wasn't heating up properly. He's very good at door slamming just to make a point, I guess. There's plenty more like this, just giving examples of the rage.

7.He's a perfectionist. He has high expectations of himself and gets frustrated when other people don't fit into his mold of what is right or what is wrong, relating to behaviors. He doesn't tolerate differences in humanity. To me, it seems like he wants everyone to see the world the way he does and to conform to his ways. If you don't, there is something wrong with you.

8.He sees things in black and white, there is no gray.

9.He is paranoid. He keeps talking about taking all our money out of the banks so that the government can't get to it.

10.He is extremely passive aggressive and will admit to being a master manipulator.

So, do any of these things fit bi-polar? Yes, he is moody. One minute he can be totally normal, the next minute he's flying off the handle about some injustice or he's driving like a maniac and I feel like it comes out of the blue. Most times it just seems like he's seething with anger. He can't even handle listening to me bang the kitchen pots(no, I'm not banging them on purpose. I'm just cooking dinner and that requires pots and bowls, etc) around when I'm cooking dinner. I can see him tense up. He will complain about the number of dishes I make while cooking yet I never ask him to do the dishes because of this. He's even argued with me over which kind of spatula to use but wouldn't pull out the one he wanted me to use because he didn't want me to have to wash it. A spatula! I mean, how long would it take for me to wash it? 10 seconds? UGH!

[ilovedogs]

Oh, and I posted this too:

As for the seat belt thing, it has nothing to do with the fabric. He won't wear one on a plane either, he pretends so the flight attendants don't single him out. He has an issue with authority and hates to be told what to do.

Here's a lovely example from our life that happened last month: I was going out of town for a weekend and asked him to tend to the pool. Scrub the algae on the south side of the pool, leave the brush on the stairs, and throw in 2 gallons of liquid chlorine. I got back 2 days later and found that he barely brushed the wall, left the brush on the stairs, but neglected to put the chlorine in(it was sitting right on the pool deck). So, I after he revealed that he didn't do it, I went out and did it. The algae was getting out of control and I knew it needed to be tackled.

When I walked in the door he says to our 12 year old: "I'm in trouble now. Guess she's all mad at me." Umm, I hadn't said a word nor did I come in stomping my feet or slamming doors so where did he get off making me look like the bad guy. I told him later that week that in those type of situations I can never win with him. I explained how I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I told him that if he were a teenager, I'd have asked him to go out and complete the task, but since he was my husband I decided to let it go and tackle the pool myself. Then for him to not even say thank you but throw me under the bus to our kid, that was just insulting. At this point, I was explaining to him how his passive aggressive behavior and verbal attacks make me feel and to which he said, "Wow, you're right. I have no idea why you stay with me." And, now we've got him in the depths of a depressive episode and I feel back to square one.

Oh, and the breaking of the computer: this was the second one he's broken like this. And, somehow he gets away with it!!! I find it to be a travesty that he would damage someone else's property no matter how pissed off he is at them. And, I can't say a thing to change his mind: he feels totally justified. Seriously.

[Forgive77]

Ew....this does sound like it could be BPD. You'd have to get him tested. Read the link on the main board that has info on Borderline. It might help you. What was his childhood like. How about his realationships with others besides you? Same?

[ilovedogs]

Originally Posted by Forgive77

Ew....this does sound like it could be BPD. You'd have to get him tested. Read the link on the main board that has info on Borderline. It might help you. What was his childhood like. How about his realationships with others besides you? Same?

He has strained relationships with his family. He thinks they're all crazy people, which they are. His parents were functioning alcoholics, his mother had episodes of violence and hitting the kids, his dad was just not there emotionally. His father was a cop and his mother was an ER night shift nurse for 40 years. He's had a good friend tell him a few years ago that he was intimidated by dh and my dh took that so personally. He has a VERY strained relationship with a few people at work. He takes everything very personally and thinks that everyone is trying to take advantage of him or hurt him in some way. He has his defenses up all the time.

He is currently in a depressive episode right now and he knows that I'm really struggling with dealing with him lately because of his passive aggressive behavior so things have been quite strained around here lately. We are both seeing therapists and he supposed to be getting an evaluation with a psychiatrist soon to investigate possible meds.

[Lil Ant Lady]

he sounds exactly like me and im borderline.
im on meds now though that control my outbursts so i dont suffer fits of rage like this quite so erratically at the moment but when im not on my meds i am exactly how you describe your husband to be. its horrible cos you dont even realise you are doing it half of the time. and when you do realise you cant control it.

i take it it has gotten to the point where it has just got so bad you need to seek help hence the reason for coming here to seek opinion? has he always been like this or has it gotten progressively worse over time?

his background seems pretty damned similar to mine also. my mum is an alcoholic and neglected me growing up as a child and my dad is a compulsive liar and narcissist and gambled his life savings away and lost our family home just two months ago.

the bad news is this is a severe mental health disorder and can turn pretty ugly. i hit self destruct mode before i (or anyone, or anyone that cared to tell me lol) noticed the signs of recklessness. not even i noticed me slowly depriving myself of a good life. i got really really ill. several suicide attempts and hospital stays etc. but before this i was drinking heavily, having unsafe sex, frittering money away like money grew on trees, thoughts of self harm, bad self image, no self-respect, the whole abandonment thing which was a major thing for me which you will learn about if it turns out your hubby is borderline.

the good news is he has you and you recognise a problem. he recognises a problem. you are awaiting an assessment!!!! I had to get sectioned under UK Mental Health Act before i got assessed because i got so ill. yikes. but less about me... back to the good news... there is treatment that can help. im on medication that has radically improved my moods. i rarely throw things,,, break things,,, scream in anger if a dirty plate is on the living room floor,,, throw my remote at the tv if the button gets stuck on the sky remote,,, launch my shampoo bottle out of the bathroom window if i spill an ounce too much out of the bottle lol.

and therapy will help too. so all in all, you are on the right path to a good treatment plan!! good luck xxxxxxxxxx

[ilovedogs]

Thanks Laura for your input. Yes, my husband felt abandoned in his childhood. His parents were too wrapped up in their hate for each other and in getting plastered than to care about the kids. My husband's brother is also in treatment for depression and anger issues. I'm still not sure that my husband is bi-polar as he's never gone as far as some: no suicide attempts(although he does talk longingly about death coming sooner than later for him and how he wishes death would come NOW), he never over spends money and is very cautious as he doesn't trust anyone or any institution with his money, he never went into a hypersexed mode(as far as I know or can tell). He does have a terribly low self-esteem and high anxiety related to his paranoia and ruminations about all the ill will that's against him.