Borderlines are Attracted to Narcissists???

thank you so much.

I believe so many of my romantic liasons are "borderline me and narcissitic him".

I feel like everything I touched was gone or stone and the man just loved it when I felt that way and of course he thought he could do whatever he wanted with it---i.e. messing around with other women behind my back and using that to escape my "engulfment".

Billi

HEre's a thought on this. Borderlines need. They need like crazy. Narcissists- and i say this having left an abusive narcissist myself- need to be needed. The narcissist needs someone to put them first, and the borderline is usually happy to oblige, in exchange for having them always there. It's not healthy in either direction, but it happens.

Also, borderlines fall for fairy tales, at least i did. He really WAS either completely caring or completely hurtful, and that matched very well with how I saw things, so for once, I felt like things made sense.

Later I realized he was triggering my anxiety attacks just so he could feel better about going off to his friends alone. I don't think it was consciously decided, but that was definitely what he was doing. Things fell apart fast when I was in therapy and getting better.

This makes so much sense! I have been in a relationship with a person that has narcissist personality traits for 12 years. A lot of the information shared I can relate to! Thanks for sharing!

Bump!

Although this is an older and perhaps stale thread, I would still like to respond to it given my own horrifically toxic relationship with a narcissist. (And by "relationship," I mean "entanglement" since it was neither a friendship nor a love affair...some sick place in between, I guess.) Although my biological father was a textbook narcissist, I only ever had a vague notion of what that meant and certainly no idea that I was predisposed to such an all-consuming, intense attraction to this personality type (particularly since I was only recently diagnosed with BPD). The way the relationship - and, most notably, its beginning - played out is stranger than fiction, to say the least (which is the only reason I haven't written a book about it despite constant encouragement from those who witnessed it), but is a true testament to the idea that borderlines and narcissists are "inextricably" drawn to one another.

I must first emphasize that this magnetic pull really does come from both sides and is what gives the first encounter its startling intensity and predestined, kismet-like feeling. The narcissistic web I happened to land in belonged to a famous - and almost inhumanly beautiful - European stage actress whom I adored at the time. Had I not had the misfortune of scoring second-row orchestra seats for several of her performances (spread over the course of a summer), that would probably still be the case. Instead, my intense and undivided focus on her caught her eye at some point during the first show and, by curtain call, the focus was mutual.

Since it only gets weirder and more unbelievable from there, I'll spare you any further details about the naissance of this relationship. I will say that it was intoxicating for me in the beginning - her attention was intoxicating, that is. (I also derived a great deal of excitement from being such a close, constant witness to her fascinating artistic process; unlike the overwhelming majority of narcissists, "illusions of grandeur" was not in this woman's profile seeing as there was almost no room for embellishment when it came to either her talents or her beauty.) At some point into the first couple of months of the "friendship," however, her mono-focused attention on - and affection for - me became unnerving and I ended up composing a rather lame, conciliatory "Dear John" letter to her. Rather than accepting it though, she forced me to stand there and read it aloud to her...and then immediately blasted me with the whole "It is way too late for this sh$# now, honey!!"

Being the naive - and painfully insecure - patsy that I was, I didn't put up much of a fight and thus continued to further enmesh myself with this femme fatale (it is no coincidence, incidentally, that she is world-renowned for her repeated portrayals of exactly this type of character).

To be fair, it was a mutual needs satisfaction that kept us so intertwined for all those years (seven, to be exact). For my part, I completely surrendered any real sense of identity I had when I was around her (meaning that I was window dressing for the most part) and, at the same time, remained completely enamored (and wholeheartedly supportive) of her. It absolutely made sense that I was her first real female friend (in her words, her "very first best friend") - not only did I not have a jealous bone in my body toward her (a "first," according to her), but it takes a special kind of self-hatred for someone to put themselves through that.

For her part, I'd say that she validated my existence while also giving me reason to avoid having to focus on myself or deal with the pain of an abusive, traumatic upbringing. And yes, she also made me feel beautiful and special in some nebulous kind of way (particularly in the beginning).

I would soon regret having invested so much of myself in her, however, since - true to narcissistic form - she became absolutely wretched, cold and self-absorbed once she knew that she "had" me - unconditionally had me, for that matter (and for whatever purpose she liked). The process of regaining my soul was as uphill a battle as one could ever expect to face in a relationship, but I feel both lucky and surprised to have even reached that point.

After such a harrowing interpersonal relationship, I find myself sua sponte repulsed by even the slightest narcissistic red flag in someone's personality. I am not using "narcissistic" and "vain" interchangeably here, of course. Rather, I'm referring to the sense I get when someone is clearly using my more superficial - if not highly romanticized - qualities to do nothing more than augment their own inflated opinion of themselves (a characteristic easily exposed by their increasing agitation whenever I attempt to interject a more substantive, realistic view of myself).

Should this experience should familiar to any of you other borderlines out there, I highly suggest picking up a copy of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited." I read nearly the entire thing with my jaw on the floor. To finally discover that I was actually not the single only person on the planet pathetic enough to get sucked into this type of self-destructive relationship was as shocking as it comforting.

Anyway, just thought I'd share...

I'm glad you brought this up again. You gave me a few ah ha!!! and Ha!!! moments. It's funny how one tangles with them, and they make you feel bad for seeing it a different way. meaning not theirs, and heaven forbid someone pay attention to you and not them. They end up projecting their stuff on you. Have you ever read disarming the narcissist?

Good thread.

That article depressed the hell out of me, I am somewhat happy to see the author discredited, though am having trouble discerning what is true and not true about it.

bump for beana

The original read screams I know Jack sh** to me today as loudly as it ever did.This woman is a case.

She is a case indeed. I read that article a few years ago and thought the same thing back then. She only talks about a certain type of narcissist and certain type of borderline, both of which are not that common in my opinion. Her bias against BPDs is gross and unfair. I wish there was more out there about the NPD/BPD combo. It's definitely a phenomenon.

A phenomenon ,yes.