Frail. [possible trigger!]

I feel so frail, right now, so very vulnerable.
Do you ever feel this way, like the whole dependency and defense mechanisms and mood swings thing is all just a fruit of how damn fragile you are?
I'm falling apart, rapidly.
I'd say it's the stressful situation but it's not, it's not, it's me, I'm frail and I'm a ***** and I let myself be torn to pieces so easily and it's all my fault, every time, no matter the situation I can pinpoint exactly how it boils down to being my fault. I can never hate another, because I see them only as acting naturally in response to how stupidly compliant and submissive and small I am inside.

Just FYI, I'm not at risk of suicide.
I just feel so sad, sad, sad and empty and helpless and I hate myself for being so weak.

Is this it? Is this what borderline comes down to? Fragility at its finest, people trying desperately to hold onto whatever they can, because they know that otherwise they'll be thrown off balance by the slightest wind?
Our personalities, our identities, are they all so incredibly vulnerable compared to those of others? Is it inevitable that we feel this way because we're missing an indispensable part of our selves, one that would keep us standing?

I'm sorry if this is triggering to anyone, I just want some understanding.

yes. i hear you completely.

can you possibly identify what is triggering your empty/sad mood state?

I'm in a tricky situation. I'm spending a year as an exchange student in the UK, I thought it would be easy, but it completely destroyed my balance. I'm not in control, I'm exposed and I'm facing the unknown. Every little thing sets me off.
I'm very repressed, a very "silent borderline" type, no one is EVER aware of my symptoms, of my feelings. Because of this, naturally, no one here is even slightly aware of my state of mind. I have never broken down in public, never acted impulsively. I MUST be in control. I MUST be protected, shielded from the dangers of letting go. I can't handle being exposed.
The trigger to the feeling from before was trivial. I'm living with a family with children. The youngest is a four year old girl that keeps pushing me to the edge. She doesn't listen to me, ever. Whatever I ask her to do, she'll disregard, and this will always end up in her tears and my fear of being seen as guilty. I have been frustrated for weeks by her and today she barged into my room and wouldn't get out, and she wouldn't listen and she shouted and laughed and disregarded all that I said as a joke. I feel so impotent, prevaricated upon by a girl of four, totally helpless. I cannot shout at her, I cannot forcibly make her listen, I cannot do anything and if I don't do anything, it will end up badly anyhow.

The real problem isn't her, it's me, me and my inability to cope with anything out of my comfort zone, anything that escapes my perfectly controlled realm. I have tried so hard to keep myself from the possibility of pain, because I know that I cannot take it; and now I've thrown myself to the sharks. I blame myself and my therapist for agreeing with the idea. I am in a place I do not know, in situations I cannot handle, without my therapist of three years. We should have known I cannot face this, I'm too frail.
I cannot go home. I cannot handle staying.

I totally get what your feeling I feel the same way. I just wish I had something to hold on to for balance cause I'm swinging too easily lately

I think that would make me feel powerless and start to cycle too, particularly if I were in a new environment, which is stressful to adjust to, to begin with, if someone's kid wouldn't obey and I felt there was nothing I could do to get them to stop violating my boundaries. It's tough with kids b/c if that were my little sister, I would have forcefully kicked her out, but when it's someone else's, how do you get them to do what you want, because the mom could get mad at you for your reaction?

Is that sort of what you feel in this situation?

Have you talked to the mom about this, and asked what to do?

Also recommend the book "Don't Shoot the Dog" by Karen Pryor. It basically discusses how to "train" animals (and humans). You ignore the bad behavior and reward the good, it tells you how. I'm still trying to get a hang of this "shaping" thing, it seems counter-intuitive to me.

Thanks for the helpful reply!
Yes, that is exactly how I feel. And I react badly to situations that leave me helpless, as I feel so helpless naturally. Thank god this hasn't evolved to the level to give me panic attacks, but yesterday I spent a good hour and a half with tears streaming uncontrollable down my face. (But of course completely silent!)

I know I should speak seriously to the mother, but I'm so afraid to talk about uncomfortable stuff, I have a tendency, as I said, to never speak out, always lock stuff in. I have internalized very strongly the idea you should "never speak unless you have something nice to say", like my parents told me. I ALWAYS act like a litle ray of sunshine.
I will, though! I'll talk to her but I know already I'll make it sound much better than it is, and she'll half-brush it off.

I'll check out the book!
thanks again.

(Oh god they'll be all back soon and I really really do not want to see the girl, I don't have the strength to have to act like I don't dislike her, today, but I know I will.)

I know the feeling bits.... gentle hugs to you....

It's the change honey. This even happens to me when I go on vacation or my husband goes out of town...like today. This is constant for me, and my kids know when something is going on because they act like crazy people, and I love them very much. But they are wako on my bad days. Saying things is hard for me too...because I'm afraid to rage, and don't know how to ask for help before that at all. If you live in the UK right now, and you are from the US or another country...look up expats in your area who are of your same culture...it may help. But for sure ask the mom how she would like you to set boundaries with her daughter. I'm sure she would be more than happy to help you do that. Also let her know you miss home and stability...she'll probably be empathetic to that as well. She is a mom. =)

I feel this way often!! Remember how loved you are even if you don't know who the people are that love you!!!

Hey Bitsandpieces,
I tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me because I just signed up, so I'll post my message here:
I saw your post about how you're in the UK on your own and it's too much to handle. I can definitely relate, I'm studying in Italy, full-time, but I lived in the US for most of my life, and I'm pretty much in the same situation - I can't leave but I can't stay. I also read the part about how when you try to talk to others about it you always act like everything's okay and keep everything inside, that's exactly what I do too. When I'm by myself everything comes out, but when I start talking to people I can't tell them how bad it really is. I guess they wouldn't really understand, and I don't want them to feel bad for me. Anyway I won't ramble anymore, I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone, and I'm here if you ever want to talk
Alice