Difficulty asking for help

I'm not sure how to go about this, but I really need advice or opinions of others who may have faced the same thing.

Background to make this easier to understand:
As a child, I was my parent’s favorite, and my step sister could tell. My mother was our girl scout leader for several years. I went from t-ball to softball and was the lead shortstop position. Always loved school, honor roll, band choir, Team leader in our school math club. Even knew the president of the town bank, who told me that when I turned 16, that he had a position at the bank (after learning I planned to go into the finance/accounting field.

But in 1991 it all changed. All I know is from what I’ve been told by others, or the small bits of memory I have. I remember it was getting harder to recall things in class, and was getting ill more often. Apparently my teachers spoke with my parents that I had been staring off a lot in class as well. During my sister’s wedding all I remember is about 30 seconds. My mom says I had my first grand mal seizure less than a week later. Which is when they dxd me with epilepsy and said I had been having frequent absence episodes for an undetermined length of time.

My life has been spent more in the hospital and at appointments than elsewhere. Although its slowly gotten better. But I went from active and independent to someone always having to watch you or have to take care of you. Being just a 24/7 burden on others.

Last year the dx of bipolar and bdp were added.

I manage to rent part of a house, finished my associates in accounting, and have kept a p/t (though unsteady) job. My concern is, that I can’t get rid of that feeling of being a constant burden for my parents, friends and any others I know. I was the one my parents had high hopes for, and I failed. And they constantly worry about me.
My therapist says I need to call others for support, and I know I should. Both my mom and the few friends I have, had said to call. I just can not bring myself to do it. My mind keeps saying “they have they’re own problems”, “don’t interrupt them and get them upset”, etc. It’s a constant idea that I don’t want to have others have to take care of me. I know they’re not “taking care” of me, just by me calling. It like a combination of fear, embarrassment, anger, and the unknown.

I can’t tell if it’s a trust issue (abuse from father and past marriage), self esteem, or what. After last weekend over Christmas though, I know I need to break this wall somehow. I barely made it through the holiday safely. I kept picking up the phone, but never dialed. Just, what do you say or how do you do it?

I really am sorry this is so long. This has been bothering my all week. And I brought it up with my T to work on too. But was hoping for some others thoughts between my appointments. Thanks!

Hey Hentaywee,

First, the fact you are asking for help on here is a great step! In fact it's just like calling for help, only the medium is different. You are already conqueroring your fear!

I have a friend who has this same problem--unable to pick up the phone for support. She can share in group therapy and 12 Steps, but phoning is really hard for her. A couple things you can tell yourself is that you are worth someone else spending time with you on the phone. Also, you are being proactive about your mental health--reaching out. One thing most of us with BPD have to learn is that no one is coming to rescue us. We were victims in childhood, but as adults we have to make some effort to help ourselves.

Practically, you can ring someone up and say, "Hey (mom, friend, etc.), this is ____ do you have time to talk?" If they say sure, you can say, "Okay, I'm having a hard day today. I feel . . . or I've been thinking about . . . " If they say, "Well, not right now." You can ask for them to call you back or to set up a time when they will be free. Then you can proceed to call another person on your supportive phone list. Go ahead and make one and just start calling people and asking if they have time to talk. If they don't answer or can't talk then, just call the next person.

You are exercising your worth by making calls! I seriously make calls almost everyday to help myself or just check in with someone in recovery. It's essential to my getting well!

You can do it!

I was an only child...armed with my mom's advice/reassurance that I should just do my best, but never being taught what that meant or how I knew what my best is. Caught in a never ending cycle of unrelenting standards I often ruminate or compare where I should be or what I should be doing to where I am at this moment. BPD suffers like us tend to see things in black or white, so it leaves very little room to see the shades of grey...it leaves almost no room for mistakes and asking for help is just another reminder of us not being where we feel we should be.

I'm just starting to come to terms with that perfectionistic, black and white thinking...it takes time...I just started a book that takes a indepth look at perfectionism. Now that I'm gearing up for school, I need to be ever so careful.

B1_NRecovery has some great suggestions. Sometimes phones are not as helpful...maybe face-to-face can be easier...A quick call to arrange a time to meet might be easier. There is at least one person in your life I can think of that would be there to talk.