Borderline Emotions

I am amazed at just how much I have grown since being here at PC. I came here first because therapy was going downhill...fast. It was becoming intolerable. I started a bunch of threads in the Psychotherapy forum. A ton of writing, over just a couple of weeks. Then...I stopped. Nothing left to write. Then my T came back. I wrote out a list of stuff that was bugging me about him and his methods and manner. We went through item by item. I thought it was all dealt with. Then I came back here and intended to write about one more thing, about how I forget stuff from the last session so I was kind of planning to remind myself where I left off and the next place I wanted to go. I accidentally posted the stuff I thought I had just got answers to. As I was editing it, a couple of people responded and were curious to know the answers. I couldn't answer. I obviously hadn't got my answers yet. A couple of issues were really, really bugging me. So I asked again.

Now they are finally dealt with. Because of an accidental post that in a couple more minutes would have been wiped out! Goes to show just how out of touch I am with my emotions. I think I'm dealing with stuff but I'm only scratching the surface. I don't go back there because I think I've dealt with it. But I sit there squirming in therapy because the issues AREN'T dealt with and I don't even know it. What a pain in the ***!

So that's one thing. The other is all the feedback I got from people here. It helped me so much. A bunch of stuff was clarified for me, both through my own writing and also from others. Slowing stuff down, organizing, reflecting, sharing, getting feedback.

Somewhere along the line somebody recommended to read up on the process I'm going through (because I was feeling so left in the dark and also felt like my T was doing nothing besides showing up). So I ordered a couple of books. More questions answered. The funny thing is it doesn't just apply to therapy. It applies to ALL relationships. I see why I do what I do now. I see others here doing things that make so much sense now.

For some reason, knowing why I do what I do is very calming. I don't know how to fix it yet, but at least I don't beat up on myself so much after. I can't necessarily AVOID letting my emotions run the show. But now, on reflection I can say "Holy ***T, what just happened there? and why? and where do I need to take it? Did I screw up, if so how do I fix it? Did somebody else screw up, if so how do I deal with that?"

I realize some of you don't hang out in the Psychotherapy forum. So I wanted to post this here.

In case anybody's interested, the book I'm reading right now is "A Primer of Handling the Negative Therapeutic Reaction" by Jeffrey Seinfeld. OK, with a title like that, not for the layman I admit. But I can't put it down. It could just as well have been titled "Why Borderlines F*** up all attempts to help" or "Why Borderlines F*** up all their relationships". Kind of stuff I need to know!

So anyway, I feel like I am finally accepting the help. Things are getting better with one relationship anyway.

I hope this can help some others here, not just with therapy but with relationships in general.

yeh I get it....

that's really cool Athena.
I always feel better when I finally get "why" I am doing something. It doesn't make fixing it easier, but it isn't such a mystery anymore.

I hope things keep going this well for you

You SOUND great! Like before you were being swept away by things, but now you've run around your parachute.

athena, I'm so happy you are feeling good about yourself!

I think this is reallllly important! And I know that feeling too, of knowing but sometimes not until after. And sometimes I am frustrated because knowing in the moment doesn't help me. It is calming to understand what's going on and sometimes that can stop the intense internal reactions that I'm prone too.

Thank you for the book suggestion! That is a new book to me, and I've read a lot of them.

Thanks.

...and I'm glad you checked in here because when I said, "somebody recommended to read up on the process I'm going through", you know exactly who that was don't you? Thanks again...

I didn't really check in here, on the mobile phone I have 2 choices, "new posts" and subscribed threads, I rarely go by the individual forums. but I am thrilled you found it helpful. hopefully you will be able to articulate for our friends why or how - I feel like all I can do is point and grunt! it's frustrating. bpd gets in the way of bpd.

I get it...then I lose it... then I get it again. All this stuff is just so esoteric. At least I had a good session with T today. OK, so maybe I was/am pushing him away and OK, I really don't want to experience that sense of rejection again that comes right after 'being too close for comfort'. But just simply being willing to feel close again isn't enough. It seems it's gonna jolly well happen when it happens. At least I don't distrust him anymore. I think.

We talked a little bit about what somebody on one of the forums talked about this cycle: I want, I don't get, therefore I don't deserve, now I don't want. For me, sometimes 'therefore I don't deserve' is replaced by 'it's not possible', which is even more fatalistic. Reminds me of therapy. Reminds me of life. This discussion (with T) is far from over...