Major Crisis Triggers

Ok this weekend was the one that my wife went to spend with he friend. I had been alright with it until I asked about some money being spent while she's out of town and got no response initially wich set me off. Needless to say in a nutshell, it has ended badly in that she cut me off from calling, texting or anything last night and it drove me nuts. So I incessently texted, called and the usual panic behavior. She never told me where the large amounts of money went and then finally when she did speak to me, she said she was of course "crashing" there. Another trigger. So not only is she still not telling me where she's using the money (we are tight right now so it's kind of strange) She also said "I don't feel like being interrogated" and cut off communications that night.

I ended up taking 2 Klonopin and playing video games til I was knocked out becuae I have no other way to cope. So this morning, I hadn't heard anything from her til nearly 11 am and she asks me about something to do with shoes for the kids. She says they have stuff for my apartment and crap and I'm thinking "did I really want a hand out from the people you're cheating with in my mind?" really now that's just rude. So Then... she cuts me off with the statement that she doesn't know when she'll be home -- considering the "jerk" I'm being apparently. Now it's been 5 hours + and I know it's a 3 hour or so drive. I wonder if I'm being ridiculous again.

So to calm down I took some clonopin. Then another and now up to four of them... feeling kind of dizzy but somewhat calmer, like I don't give a hoot about nothing really... just floating. I'm sure this is not good but I'd just as soon take the whole fscking bottle right now

You're wife, in my opinion, has some mental issues going on herself. Like a mid life crisis or something. My husband would kill me, and has, metaphorically, done so on many occasions about money. Her behavior is unacceptable as a wife, and you should not feel guilty for it. You are entitled to your anger in this respect, and don't take anymore pills. Right now, you need to quit texting etc., and think of a way to explain to her that she is not behaving like a wife should. When you cool down. You also need to think about if she is really good enough to be in your 'trust circle' right now. Looks like she's really good at triggering you. How much do you really need someone in your life like that?

Thank you for your encouragement. Truth is she may have her own issues going on but I know that again, this stems from her many years of giving up her social life for me and it's like a lashing out, but at the same time it seems like vengeance upon me too. Complete lack of handling the situation in a way that is acceptable, i mean I only ask that if this is truly a real friendship she would be more than willing to keep in touch with me, knowing how I am and would do everything to avoid the "appearance of evil" and I dont' think she cares about that. I feel liek she's going to do what she wants to do regardless of those things. I have some considering to do on my part and I hope as I go through counseling I'm better able to figure out if this relationship is destructive to my progress or helpful.

I hope she comes home soon. I can understand what you are going through, it is so friggin awful and completely unfair on so many levels. Try try try to distract yourself, go out with the guys/girls and try to take your mind off of her. That's what I did and it made a world of difference in the moment. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. This is kind of a late response but to let you know I didn't do well that night. I ended up taking too many Klonopin (not attempting suicide tho') and my wife was home at that time finally but after I told her how many and I went to lay down, I ended up waking up surrounded by paramedics and I was hauled off to the mental hospital for a week.

We are now separated and I'm struggling with being alone although I have my boys with me much of the time, it's not the same.

Is it a BPD thing to feel like you're nothing when your significant other has left? Just empty and feel like I don't know who I am now that she's gone where to go or what I should be doing, I feel like I'm just going through life's motions to get by some of the time. Distracting myself from pain.

I'm getting help from a therapist but to expect change overnight would be silly, I know.

Hi. Just now got to this crisis late. Do you have a professional that you can call during times you are feeling like taking too much med? I recently got someone who is willing to let me call then. After asking what have you taken, etc. she tells me exactly what I can take, how much, at what time, and says "then you can't take anymore until 9:00, at which time you should take x or z" It really comforts me to have a professional willing to do this without just immediately putting me in the hospital. It also is comforting to have an amount and a time for next dosage. Believe it or not, I actually follow her schedule she puts me on for that night.

So that may be a moot point by now; are you out of the hospital? And what are you doing for yourself? Much of my life is distracting myself from the pain. If you think that is sad, then I guess it is. But it doesn't have to be; one could think of it as a simple tactic. How old are your boys? I don't know, but I would try investing more of myself in the boys right now. Even reading about raising boys can be interesting and comforting. Talk to them. Ask them questions; just try not to ask them to pity you. But this next thing is different from pity, and that is that it is OK to let our children help us, or be our reason to live. If you have boys you are lucky and they are lucky to have you.

I know it might seem like "o, I'll just eff them up" but no, you won't. They will learn more about reality and feelings and people. They will learn compassion. You wanna know something stupid and annoying but...you know...that's life? My son is 28 now. He is a wonderful man. But he keeps dating women who are psycho or addicted to bad drugs; he thinks if he loves them enough then he can save them. Because that's what he did for me. Is that bad? My love, shipping

I'm not sure if my Pdoc would do that for me but I could investigate to find out. I probably would feel better knowing someone was helping me so it's understandable that you actually follow the schedule.

I don't let on that I need their pity in any way. I try very hard right now to be a solid father figure for them especially right now. I know it would be confusing otherwise, indeed, it probably still is. I don't think it's sad at all for you to distract yourself I think it's the way to survive a lot of pain. My problem is that over the years I've never learned to return to my problems I just kept distracting from them and now it's all blown up in my face...

I think that you're right about my kids. I need to focus on them, and I'm happy that I do have them quite a bit right now. I'm fortunate that way. Oh and by the way they are 10 and 11. I have a 19 yr old daughter and 18 yr old step son too but they don't live near me anymore.

Thank you for your wise words

I am so sorry to hear about everything you've gone through with your wife, and that things didn't work out. I think it is a normal bpd thing - with anyone important who has left you, significant other or not. Personally, when someone important leaves me, it's like my self-esteem and self-worth have been gunned down. I don't know if we all feel it the exact same way when we've been left, but I know rejection is one of the things we're least equipped to cope with.

Also, with a significant other, it's almost like they teach you who to be. They alleviate some of the confusion. They're with you all the time, and you strive to make them happy/want to stay, so you end up molding yourself for them (to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the person). So I don't find it surprising that you feel that way.

Thank you for your reply. It's only been a short time but I feel like the more she gets used to the apart thing the more she is enjoying it and less motivated considering waiting on me for any kind of change. But then how many wives separate thinking (really now) that they'll be coming back? I think that's just a delusion I like to believe at times.

Along with her making up for where I lack in personality, or, I mean I dentity, she has stated because of that she felt lost because she was busy making up for me.

Your replies are still focusing on others besides yourself. Don't think about what your wife is doing, don't concentrate on your kids when they are not with you, think about about yourself and what you are doing here and now for yourself!

If there were no wife, where would you be living? What do you eat; what are you cooking for yourself for dinner? Do you belong to a gym? What exercise and health measures are you taking for yourself; when was your last physical? Do you have any guy friends? What are you doing with them or why have you not made any? What sports or interests do you enjoy? Are you pursuing them in some way?

Have you separated your bank accounts and had your wife open her own and given her roughly "half" the money to spend however she decides is a good idea? Have you a budget or a separation agreement so you can concentrate on yourself and making your current household work and not have to think/worry about other people and what they are doing?

I get your points here. Very well made too. I know I'm still doing that and like my Therapist said it's not going to be behavior I can change overnight but I'm going to try to do just that.

I don't actually have any friends locally -- male or otherwise. I have one friend in SC that I've been talking to online for over 6 years but that doesn't help with what you're probably going to suggest would be a reason to have friends around me right? TBH I haven't done any of the things above yet and this is partially because it's only been about a wek and a half since I moved out.