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#1
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Ok this weekend was the one that my wife went to spend with he friend. I had been alright with it until I asked about some money being spent while she's out of town and got no response initially wich set me off. Needless to say in a nutshell, it has ended badly in that she cut me off from calling, texting or anything last night and it drove me nuts. So I incessently texted, called and the usual panic behavior. She never told me where the large amounts of money went and then finally when she did speak to me, she said she was of course "crashing" there. Another trigger. So not only is she still not telling me where she's using the money (we are tight right now so it's kind of strange) She also said "I don't feel like being interrogated" and cut off communications that night.
I ended up taking 2 Klonopin and playing video games til I was knocked out becuae I have no other way to cope. So this morning, I hadn't heard anything from her til nearly 11 am and she asks me about something to do with shoes for the kids. She says they have stuff for my apartment and crap and I'm thinking "did I really want a hand out from the people you're cheating with in my mind?" really now that's just rude. So Then... she cuts me off with the statement that she doesn't know when she'll be home -- considering the "jerk" I'm being apparently. Now it's been 5 hours + and I know it's a 3 hour or so drive. I wonder if I'm being ridiculous again. So to calm down I took some clonopin. Then another and now up to four of them... feeling kind of dizzy but somewhat calmer, like I don't give a hoot about nothing really... just floating. I'm sure this is not good but I'd just as soon take the whole fscking bottle right now |
#2
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![]() ![]() ![]() I'm writing in my blog again! www.butterflyamongthorns.com Bipolar II Borderline Personality Disorder OCD (Thoughts) ADD (can't take meds for it) PTSD Cymbalta 90mg Lamictol 200mg Geodon 40mg Xanax XR 1mg |
#3
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Thank you for your encouragement. Truth is she may have her own issues going on but I know that again, this stems from her many years of giving up her social life for me and it's like a lashing out, but at the same time it seems like vengeance upon me too. Complete lack of handling the situation in a way that is acceptable, i mean I only ask that if this is truly a real friendship she would be more than willing to keep in touch with me, knowing how I am and would do everything to avoid the "appearance of evil" and I dont' think she cares about that. I feel liek she's going to do what she wants to do regardless of those things. I have some considering to do on my part and I hope as I go through counseling I'm better able to figure out if this relationship is destructive to my progress or helpful.
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#4
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I hope she comes home soon. I can understand what you are going through, it is so friggin awful and completely unfair on so many levels. Try try try to distract yourself, go out with the guys/girls and try to take your mind off of her. That's what I did and it made a world of difference in the moment. Good luck.
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#5
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We are now separated and I'm struggling with being alone although I have my boys with me much of the time, it's not the same. Is it a BPD thing to feel like you're nothing when your significant other has left? Just empty and feel like I don't know who I am now that she's gone where to go or what I should be doing, I feel like I'm just going through life's motions to get by some of the time. Distracting myself from pain. I'm getting help from a therapist but to expect change overnight would be silly, I know. |
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#6
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Hi. Just now got to this crisis late. Do you have a professional that you can call during times you are feeling like taking too much med? I recently got someone who is willing to let me call then. After asking what have you taken, etc. she tells me exactly what I can take, how much, at what time, and says "then you can't take anymore until 9:00, at which time you should take x or z" It really comforts me to have a professional willing to do this without just immediately putting me in the hospital. It also is comforting to have an amount and a time for next dosage. Believe it or not, I actually follow her schedule she puts me on for that night.
So that may be a moot point by now; are you out of the hospital? And what are you doing for yourself? Much of my life is distracting myself from the pain. If you think that is sad, then I guess it is. But it doesn't have to be; one could think of it as a simple tactic. How old are your boys? I don't know, but I would try investing more of myself in the boys right now. Even reading about raising boys can be interesting and comforting. Talk to them. Ask them questions; just try not to ask them to pity you. But this next thing is different from pity, and that is that it is OK to let our children help us, or be our reason to live. If you have boys you are lucky and they are lucky to have you. I know it might seem like "o, I'll just eff them up" but no, you won't. They will learn more about reality and feelings and people. They will learn compassion. You wanna know something stupid and annoying but...you know...that's life? My son is 28 now. He is a wonderful man. But he keeps dating women who are psycho or addicted to bad drugs; he thinks if he loves them enough then he can save them. Because that's what he did for me. Is that bad? My love, shipping
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My life resembles something that has not occurred. I am a birdcage without any bird. E.E. Cummings |
#7
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Thank you for your wise words ![]() |
#8
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![]() Also, with a significant other, it's almost like they teach you who to be. They alleviate some of the confusion. They're with you all the time, and you strive to make them happy/want to stay, so you end up molding yourself for them (to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the person). So I don't find it surprising that you feel that way. |
#9
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Along with her making up for where I lack in personality, or, I mean I dentity, she has stated because of that she felt lost because she was busy making up for me. |
#10
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Your replies are still focusing on others besides yourself. Don't think about what your wife is doing, don't concentrate on your kids when they are not with you, think about about yourself and what you are doing here and now for yourself!
If there were no wife, where would you be living? What do you eat; what are you cooking for yourself for dinner? Do you belong to a gym? What exercise and health measures are you taking for yourself; when was your last physical? Do you have any guy friends? What are you doing with them or why have you not made any? What sports or interests do you enjoy? Are you pursuing them in some way? Have you separated your bank accounts and had your wife open her own and given her roughly "half" the money to spend however she decides is a good idea? Have you a budget or a separation agreement so you can concentrate on yourself and making your current household work and not have to think/worry about other people and what they are doing?
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#11
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I don't actually have any friends locally -- male or otherwise. I have one friend in SC that I've been talking to online for over 6 years but that doesn't help with what you're probably going to suggest would be a reason to have friends around me right? ![]() |
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