Why am I doing it again?

About 3 years ago I was diagnosed BPD, was rx'd resperidol and entered a dbt day program. I picked a fight with the nurse (verbal lol) and then quit the program and stopped the meds. I have gotten along pretty fine these past 3 years but then a trauma occurred in my family and all the BPD traits started again and now I have sought more help with the BPD. I seen a pdoc last thursday and got prescribed new meds, rameron and trazodone, to help with some of the symptoms. I am to go to the dbt again and work on bettering myself. I find myself now not willing to take the meds and not willing to do the dbt (for several reasons). I have decided this pdoc won't help me because he did not give me the meds I wanted, which was zanax to help with the evening anxiety. I feel more normal now, clearer in the head and although my online dbt is a bit of a struggle I am doing it anyways. I feel like the pdoc discredits somethings that I truly believe in, like the after life. He is dead set that there is not one when I completely believe that there is one. He mocks it even and it pisses me off. He has a "scientific" answer for everything, and he says I am the one with no grey area. I don't want this my way or the highway guy helping me run my life. So here I sit again, waiting for the next time life hands me lemons and I go crawling back to the professionals. I understand this statement is a little complex, even to myself I am like wtf just go and do what they say, have some blind faith and do it. I am not sure what voice is resonating in my mind, whether it be my mothers or my own pessimistic voice telling me this is all bull and suck it up. I don't know.

Im sorry, I never know what to say Chaotic. Im sure some nice people will come after me to comfort you and they'll know what to say. I just came to give you a hug. *HUG*

ChaoticSymphony, IMO, you've got a lousy pdoc...
--not because he wouldn't give you the meds you wanted
--not because he doesn't believe in the afterlife

... but because you do not feel respected and heard by him.

He ought to have let you know that he heard what you said about the drugs you wanted and explained why he wanted you to try something different. He should have said that he would revisit the subject with you & that together you would decide the meds you would be taking.

Also, a good pdoc does not build emotional roadblocks between his clients and himself--which is exactly what yours did in the matter of the afterlife. Fire his ignorant @ss.

Getting/maintaining the best meds for me has been my #1 battle on my bipolar journey, & my pdoc is my BFF in this particular matter. I urge you to ask your medical doctor, therapist--whomever might know--for referrals till you find a good match. You are looking for someone who sees you as a human, an equal--not a lab rat to throw meds at till they find something that seems "good enough."

You need the best for you.
You have "good enough."

See what I mean? Having the right pdoc for you is soooo important.

My opinion, my experience too. ** gentle hugs **

I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he is rather dismissive, and it might help to find a new pdoc. That said, in the meantime, this is about you doing everything you can to take care of yourself and be a kick-*** mom... Please take the meds you've been prescribed until you find a pdoc you feel more comfortable with. Sounds like you're sabotaging yourself by not complying.

XOO

I would definitely urge you to find a new pdoc that respects you and will work with you and what you want and need as far as your meds are concerned. Your present pdoc is doing nothing but adding more stress to your life. Find someone new as quickly as you can. In the meantime, don't stop taking your meds!! You'll only hurt yourself in the long run. Be kind to your mind and your body and take them as prescribed. I'm BPD and I've been in your position before - stopped taking them, felt great for awhile then all of a sudden I'm wonky and wobbly and my emotions and moods are all over the place. I'm not saying it's this way for you, I'm just saying don't take the chance.

Good luck - sorry you're having such a tough time (((hugs)))