My Spirit is Broken, and I Quit!

Definitely NOT ASPD, but I have wondered if it's possible to develop schizoid traits. Even if that is possible, and i'm not sure that it is, I'd be inclined to say that hasn't happened either. Since writing this in the early AM i've been thinking/obsessing on this alot. That part of my life is all associated with trauma; My childhood, anger, sadness, rage, failed friendships/relationships, frustrations, hopelessness, bpd. I "think" I've disassociated from that part of me. It's my way of dealing with it / coping with it.

I don't think Psychiatrists/Psychologists/therapists have a clue as to how draining the bpd is on me in that world, and the intensity of the rage. I suspect all of the above are reasons for why I was overcome with dread and defeat when my Psychiatrist brought up the idea of interacting with others. The bpd is still in me and it's still something that I deal with, but it's friendlier to me in this dis associative state, because it's closed off from many of its triggers. They (Psych/therapists) can only see life through their eyes rather than mine. If they could see life through my eyes they'd get it, and they don't!

This ALL seems very logical to me.....

I understand all of this, and it's very defeating...

Be careful for what you wish for. I recognize the way I coped is dysfunction itself, but apparently it's all I knew how to do. I'm not even sure how i got to this point. It wasn't like a light switch going on and off. It gradually happened unnoticed, and this is where I am now.

this might sound weird Cbox...

I read posts...I know how...

this one of yours I read backwards just decided it would be easier than reading like normal people do.....and the symmetry is innescapable.

I've let something go too ....

guess it's exposure to this illness?....

kinda detached from that too...questioning...just know here I am

and somewhere I might have been?.....I'm a ghost

and I can read easily backward what is so straight forward to me.

thanks S

dm

Would your thoughts and feelings be the same if the illness wasn't 'named'. For instance if you were walking oblivious through life with BPD, but didn't know it? Would our feelings, or lack of, develop and evolve in the same way, do you think?

Obviously others would know there was a problem but what if we were unaware of that too?

I always let somethin' go strats..long before I ever knew about this 'bpd'
I did travel life oblivious for a long time....makes me wonder?

I feel like I've become worse 'since' the psycho 'constraints' have been applied to me.

it's a good point you make though...for sure I liked it better before.

things evolve according to things beyond my control?

yeah I believe it's possible to take the power back!...from being classified,
....can I let go now?....like I did before?

and avoid the complications......yeah I'm working on it.

(hey you like guitars right?...like Satriani?....he's my favourite musician)

I think I've gone weeks, months in a dissassociated state when I didn't have friends and had no intention of being hurt by others. It would block out the worst of the pain as well as the past. Unfortunately, I'm still at the point that "friendship", if I allow it to, can bring me out of it. I was fine without friends for years, and the majority of the BPD traits were fine....for years. Not gone but I could cope. Then one friend and everything came rushing back. Most of it was back within just a week or so of the friendship starting, and by the time it ended I was ready for the mental ward. I am just now, three months after it ended, starting to feel like I'm in some manner of control. Am I dissassociating now? Who knows. Don't care. At least I feel like I can start coping again.

Yes! B/W thinking is VERY strong within me.

Not quite. The b/w thinking takes hold once I become friends with someone. I also analyze everything as well ie. do facial expressions match words being said..

Not anytime in the recent past.

I do have online friends that visit my chat room, and most have bpd. I do like them, but they understand me. THEY get what I'm saying, whereas with a therapist etc it's like talking to a brick wall because they don't get it or relate. I can also talk to them about random everyday ******** and have it be a normal conversation on a level playing field as opposed to with a "normal" person where they perceive themselves as being better because they don't have a mental illness... DM wrote a very good thread along this topic (kind of) a long long time ago. I should try to find it.

It is possible I suppose that my chat room has played a factor with my current state of mind. Here's how... I enjoy talking to them because they relate to me. They perceive me as being an equal. They are NOT a chore to talk to.. All of this equals less energy drain from me.. People in "real" life are the complete opposite, and it's a HUGE chore dealing with them..

Basically you're saying you exist and not much else?

If that is the case I can relate to that...

He'd still be ****ed up... He just wouldn't be talking to us....He'd probably be talking a librarian... lol I can hear it now... "Excuse mam can you tell me where the books are on ****ed up people?"

Lol. I did that more years than I can name. I knew I was different, I guess, but it was easy to blame other things or just pretend that everything was alright. I'm glad I know. It may not help in the long run...too early to know, but it makes me feel like the light is at the end of the tunnel. Not quite sure if I'll ever completely catch up with the light, however. Time will tell.

yep S...you know me then

...so we know each other.

as much as I never want to admit it..."thats somethin' else!"

always got some fight left.....often wish I didn't mate

I understand that. I am the same way. Also, talking with people online it's easier to come and go as you please, there's no facial expressions or gestures to analyze, there's a level of anonymity etc. What if you were talking with "real" people who also had BPD?

And as far as being "blissfully" unaware of BPD, it doesn't matter, we're all here anyway...and there's no judging librarians to talk to...although I'm still looking for the section for ****ed up people!

But this makes me wonder:

Worse how dubble? What has changed ..has your awareness of those constraints added to your struggling with this disorder?

And I love guitars and guitarists, I listen to a lot of Satriani -- amazing! He's up there with Steve Vai and John Petrucci for me, just flat out guitar gods! My all time favorite musician (this is hard) has to be David Gilmour (of Pink Floyd)...he can't rip it like the others but the emotion he conveys is unlike anything I've heard.

Wow. I just read this entire thread.

There is so much going on here.

C: Someone said earlier here that if they can't have healthy relationships, then they choose to have no relationships. I concur with that. I do still have a friend and my family in my life. I would not give up my friend, even though the relationship is not healthy. They do all the giving, I do all the taking. I am grateful for that person. I love them as much as I am able, but I do not have much to offer them. Even so, they are content to be my friend. It amazes me that is the case, and I am grateful.

My family is my family. We have love and responsibility and duties to one another. We help each other and we aggravate each other. Each of us has our own issues and being around my family is much like walking on eggshells. Sometimes we crack each others eggs. That is NOT pretty. Even so, we do know, underneath it all, there is love. I think anyway. I know that I love them. I know that some of them love me. I hope they know I love them.

Other than my one friend and my family, everyone else in my life is paid to be there: therapists and physicians. It is their job to care for me. I have, on occasion, felt the need for others. I have not felt the need for friends or a significant other, but just a sense of community. I have thought about venturing out of my safe mostly comfy cocoon and going to a community related activity, like a political meeting or a church function or a charity and getting involved with the work. I think I would like that. I would like to feel useful and a part of the community.

BUT- the price to pay is too high. I would have to deal with the other people who are also involved in this activity. That is highly undesirable. In a black and white kind of way, I want to help people, without interacting with them. I want to contribute something of substance, but I do not want to expose myself to their judgement or anger or, simply, their chit chat about nothing. People tell little meaningless lies everyday all the time. It is a part of social convention.
"How are you? " I'm fine, and you?" When neither one of them gave a crap about how the other one is and both are probably miserable. Stupid example, but basic and one everyone has experienced.

I detest social conventions that make people lie in order to fit in. Yes, I am guilty of using them sometimes too. But I do not like it and I am finding myself less and less likely to bother with that crap. If I ask you how you are doing, it is going to be because I am genuinely interested, not because society tells me it is the proper thing to say, nor because I want to appear concerned about you, when in reality I am thinking about how I have to pee and wish you would shut up.

So, my choice has been to avoid relationships on purpose. Partially because they hurt, partially because they are doomed to fail, partially because one might succeed and mostly because I am tired. Too tired. I do not want to work at building a relationship with anyone who is normal.

I am certain that if a normal healthy person were in a relationship with me, it would require much more energy from them than me. With that said, I am not willing to put in the considerably less effort it would take for me to maintain that relationship. I just do not have the energy.

Even if I had the energy, I do not have the desire. In my experience, relationships cause pain. Sometimes people hurt others intentionally, but often they do not. But their intention does not minimize the pain caused or the loss felt. And it gets so complicated.

Try to analyze any relationship of some length and things get complex. People expect things from relationships. When those expectations are not met, people get hurt and.or angry. Disappointment sets in, or, worse yet, escalation begins. Then the pain really increases rapidly.

No, for me, I do not want any more friends or SOs. I am done. I want to remain done. I do not like us humans. I feel empathy and sympathy for fellow humans, who, like me, are stuck in this pain filled world. I will do everything I can to help someone else who is hurting... except allow them into my life.

If I can type something on a forum that has some wisdom... or even if I can expose my own foolishness so that someone else may see, then I have done well.

But actually sit down with another human I am not related to and who is not paid to talk to me and be real with them... uh NO. NO. NO. NO.

People suck. It is only when they are looking for help and ready to admit they need it that I can relate to them. When they are busy trying to look acceptable and successful and friendly and popular and important, I do not have any time for that.

We all suck. It's biblical. We all fall short. None of us is all that.

I do not feel the anger toward other people that you seems to C. I have heard that anger turned inward is depression, so maybe I do have the anger but it is all directed at me. But I do not think that other people are idiots or worthless. Well, not anymore than I am.

I think all people, including me are ignorant and selfish. We are all just trying to do our best to survive. And some of us hate it that we keep succeeding at survival, but we go on nevertheless.

Some of us manage to have some moral and ethical standards about what we will do and what we wont do to survive. Others of us don't. Those are the ones I feel very sorry for. They have no compassion at all. They must be the loneliest people ever. And the cruelest. I imagine them like a car with the accelerator stuck and they just keep going faster and faster toward their selfish goals. They do not have the ability to stop or slow themselves down ever. They cannot stop when they get somewhere they might like. How sad is that? But I am off topic.

To sum it all up, we are all in the same boat and it is sinking. If I can plug a whole, I will, but do not expect me to join a team, if the requirements include talking to team members. I'd rather sink.