Feeling awful tonight

I know I don't post a lot. Or start many posts.
I am really lousy at putting words to my own inner experiences.

But right now I'm really zoned out and in a "I hate you/don't leave me" frame of mind - with everyone but especially my therapist, I think - and feeling really awful. How am I supposed to be able to function like this?! I feel like I'm free-falling.

I will try again to sleep.

I hope you are able to get some sleep. Are you able to write a letter to your therapist about how you are feeling? Something you can give them next time you see them, or even just to get it all out. Sometimes it helps.

....i don't know how ECHOES?

I sure as hell find it immensely difficult to function when flipping rapidly from those extremes!
..there is a complete loss of trust with the mind and the heart explodes in the process....I like the way you describe it as "free-falling"

...thats an excellent description, and for me, it's pretty much impossible to concentrate and do anything....can't grab hold of anything solid in my mind when falling like that....it's mentally nauseating, and my brain regurgitates, re-heats and re-eats really troubling nasty stuff,

yep...it 'feels' awful alright!

...I expect and kinda know real well that most everyone does not experience this 'loss of contro'l as the borderline experience insists we have.....with human interaction,

and what triggers the damn thing?....with certain people we have let into our tormented bubble?....and finally anything walking upright!

I just reckon we get some extra credit for gettin' through the day....climbin' into bed just hoping it will get better.

I don't know....but I get the free-fall too,

it would be great to read more of your 'lousy words you put together'

Thanks

I sent my therapist a brief email. I just can't seem to find the words. She tries hard but sometimes I'm just not reachable, I think.

You are doing well. Just take it one moment at a time - reaching out, even with only a few words, is a great step. It will take time but it does get easier.

It feels like that idealizing and devaluing of others is completely out of our/my control. I try to challenge it and usually do and it turns out they haven't turned on me, they aren't that one general word I used on them, they do care. Yet again and again we/I are back at square one. I guess this is where using your logical mind comes in but it feels so invalidating telling ourselves we are wrong to feel that way (we were invalidated enough in our life, now to tell ourselves that too is disheartening). So the real question for me is how do I stop myself from these crazy thoughts and paranoia without invalidating myself. Like a question with a loving answer every time is something I suppose. The reason I think my man is going to leave is because I have trust issues, not 'stop thinking that, he proves time and time again that he isn't going to leave, when are you going to figure it out'. It's not lying to yourself by saying I have trust issues (that is blatantly obvious with all of us) but it validates us during our paranoid difficult times while at the same time tells us we don't need to go too far into our heads because we have identified our issues...blah just going off here...It's something I am trying and I find it helpful, it doesn't cure the negative thoughts but it relieves some of the emotions involved in the moment....who knows maybe eventually the emotions will stop just as fast as they come up because I have made this type of validating responses to the negative initial thought. I hope this makes sense, I swear it does to me lol.

Thank you (((( everyone )))). It was so nice to come here and be heard and cared about. Hopefully tonight I will get some sleep and that will help. A day of work helped some.

I just got home from work and I see that my therapist emailed 2 nice replies. Both are heartfelt and very meaningful to me, and also I have to chuckle a bit because she replied twice to the same email. I had to check to see if I sent it twice, but I didn't.
An "extra" reply when I was needing something extra.

Sorry I wasn't around to help this time ECHOES. Sounds like you got some good advice, and it worked out for you. So glad. As you've picked me up many times!