[lonely75240]

After years of emotional ups and downs, running everyone away, yet at the same time wondering why, I received my diagnosis yesterday from my therapist. Now I'm faced with the possibility of divorce after 12.5 years because my husband has simply had enough. He can't take me loving him so affectionately one second and blaming him for everything the next. I don't even know why I do this myself. Now that I have a name for it, I feel like I start somewhere. Even though I'm terrified, I feel hope in somehow managing it. But since we feel abandonment so intensely, I am so scared I'm going to do something stupid like I always do to get my husband to stay with me and make things worse or make him hate or resent me even more. I'm 40 years old now, I don't want to start my life over, and I don't want to lose my husband. So if anyone else can tell me any little nuggets of wisdom on how to get through these first few days or months, I would really appreciate it.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by lonely75240

After years of emotional ups and downs, running everyone away, yet at the same time wondering why, I received my diagnosis yesterday from my therapist. Now I'm faced with the possibility of divorce after 12.5 years because my husband has simply had enough. He can't take me loving him so affectionately one second and blaming him for everything the next. I don't even know why I do this myself. Now that I have a name for it, I feel like I start somewhere. Even though I'm terrified, I feel hope in somehow managing it. But since we feel abandonment so intensely, I am so scared I'm going to do something stupid like I always do to get my husband to stay with me and make things worse or make him hate or resent me even more. I'm 40 years old now, I don't want to start my life over, and I don't want to lose my husband. So if anyone else can tell me any little nuggets of wisdom on how to get through these first few days or months, I would really appreciate it.

Last fall, I lost my husband, too. Over this darn condition. We decided together that he could not handle my bpd (diagnosed in 2001) and that I could not deal with wondering what else I was going to do to him (loving him and hating him lol).

I have accepted my diagnosis and I also realize the terrible ramifications of it---the stigma, knowing how much it hurts other around me and feeling like I have to protect others from myself. I too have abandonment issues. I am glad that Dane and I were only married 2 years, so we did not get a really big establishment with one another. However, he finally left the country to take a job and it really is OVER. I had known him since 1996 (July) and I do feel very sad that we can't even really be friends anymore. I am almost 45 (bday in Sept) and I've had to change a lot of myself, too. It's still not healed. But I am hopeful. I am not sure if I will really ever be close to someone again. I hope I can do it someday. As I heal more. I got diagnosed by a psychiatrist, who left years later (2007) and got turned over to a pdoc who did not know what to do with me and I left the mental health because they did not know what to do with me. I have been doing a lot of work online and on my own, though. Anything is possible!

I wish you healing and peace of mind.

Welcome to PC and this forum.

You are not alone.

No wisdom, just experience from a fellow bpd'er.

Billi