[ickle.Arnav]

Reality is relative.

This downward spiral of self-loathing comes on quick and takes all of my coping skills with it. I sleep in 6 hour blocks, three times a day. My ability to care for myself or remember things is becoming lost in the blackness. The bittersweet blackness of this depressing hole we live in when we realize our whole existence is a piss filled oubliette. I cannot escape.

The sleeping thing...that's probably an attempt to escape, but I remember my DBT training. I did this. Live now. Watch your problems, emotions, issues fall from the gnarled oak tree like leaves into the shallow, babbling brook--clear as day--and realize that this whole mindfulness thing is bull. My problems aren't leaves that just float away and I can't concentrate on the now if they are tugging at my heartstrings. Oh, head! Let me be!

I should start at the beginning, but the story would be too long. You would become bored. So we can start with what's bugging me and branch out.

I failed out of school. Not because I'm not smart enough, but because I cannot muster up the dedication/remember to meet deadlines. I love school. Every little bit about it makes me joyous. This is a fact. I just wish I could have some sort of self-paced program where I could work when I'm furiously manic and take off a week or three while I knead my hands in the shower trying to wash myself pure. My math professor was very understanding, but the administration was not. Oh well. Time to start that clarinet/bass group I never dreamed about. I don't know if I will try school again. If you fail out of several school/drop out unexpectedly, but still take the fin aid, they frown on that. I have a myriad of schools left to choose from, but all are expensive out-of-staters. I can't justify hurting my credit score anymore. I thought I was committed. I know I want this, but I just can't do it anymore. Maybe not right now. I used to be so smart. So focused. Maybe it was the Lithium that killed me. Maybe I was never alive in the first place. Sleepwalking through our conversation.

Reality is relative.

I need to be 138 pounds. Or 10 stone. I've decided I prefer the stone system as it makes me feel thin. I have made myself vomit regularly in years. I feel it coming on again as I count out calories and carrots. I feel it coming on as I buy boxes of generic chocolate laxatives and demand a colace refill. In my defense, I am terribly constipated from the lamotrigine, but I always have been. I do not have any energy. If I had energy, maybe I could forget that my *** is huge/I hate myself/I am not good enough for anyone.

Negative self-talk never helped anyone. I know this.

I'm not drinking. I used to coddle my alcohol and swaddle it until everyone loved me. No one loved me then either. They loved the lunatic that laid claim to my body. I do not know what it is like to NOT be on medication anymore. Last year, I went off for six months. I do not remember a single day I didn't spend staring out the blinds waiting for life to come get me. I do not remember a single day anyways. It's all mush. I do not know what happened to my memory. The other day I had a CT...I remember the barium swallow because I took a picture of the bottle. I remember talking to the ladies next to me. I do not remember being called or going in or even having the CT. The results were negative. I remember being frustrated and disappointed. WHY CAN'T SOMETHING BE WRONG WITH ME SO THEY CAN FIX IT? I'm dying for my illness to be a product of a mass in my body or an irregularity that someone can carve out and I can be new. Oh, wash me like I was new, hold me in your arms, and forget that I ever was who I might never remember I have been.

I do not know you at all. One of my downfalls is my inability to get close to people. Anytime I get close to anyone, I either screw them or they screw me. Pick any definition of the word and you will be in the right.

I am currently in a committed relationship that will be in first anniversary status in exactly a month's time and I love him, I do. He knows more about me than anyone. He has held me through my great griefs. He has stood besides me during my great failures. He wants to have a life together. He doesn't believe in forever, but in my experience, reality is relative -- I think the average human being is limited to thinking time in finite. I do not believe in time. I do not have to though.

I haven't worked since late 2009. I've been hospitalized several times, then, I just gave up. I went back to school because I was going to be someone, then, I just couldn't handle the stress. So I cut down to two classes, online, and still I could not hold on to my sanity.

I did what I was supposed to do. I took my pills. I tried all of them. Nearly a literal statement of fact. Traded doctors, traded diagnoses, went through more than a decade of therapy including a full course of DBT. I bought all the therapy workbooks. Anxiety, grief, DBT, CBT, the like. Self help...the real opiate of the masses. Why am I still here stuck in this corner? I just want to see the world...Somehow, I've got to think that it's me. I am hurting myself and I do not know how to stop.

Is this what we become? Is this remission? When do I get my head back?

I've been manic most of my life. I probably do not even know what it feels like to be alive.

I just want to breathe. I see the doctor above me telling me to breathe with the mask over my face...the lights. I'm just waiting for it to get dark.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I 'died' on lithium, my mind was mush and my emotions flatlined. Couldn't handle it at all. I have manic debt to repay, which has been eating at my very core. I understand the self-loathing that comes with failing ourselves, KNOWING we should be able to do better. And I also use sleep as my escape. I understand not having any self-discipline too. I dropped out on a course after a year bcoz of it. In times like these, we must remember to be kind to self. After all my past failures, I've learned that I can be productive and disciplined if I 'answer' to someone else... Besides needing money, it's the main reason I HAVE to work. Just wanted you to know that I get it, and you're not alone. Please don't give up on yourself, you've tried so hard, and so long. You're worth the effort!

[ickle.Arnav]

Update:
I talked to school today because they wouldn't stop calling me. They decided I could come back even though I wasn't successful last semester because they have documented my issues. They think I can be successful. I want to be successful. I find out on Tuesday if I can get financial aid (which is the only way I will be able to pay for this). This is good news. While on the VERY long call, I got out of bed for the first time all day and started doing things. I cleaned all the dishes out of the room and folded all the laundry I had piled at the end of the bed.

It makes me wonder about myself when the simplest shred of good news can motivate me to move my rear and do things that I would usually wait until the last instant to do before my boyfriend gets home from work at 1930.

I just want to be free of this negative mindset. "You can set yourself free." Maybe I can.

My "coach" at school said "If you focus on failure, it becomes a habit." Or something like that. I'm going to ask her next time I talk to her what the quote was. It made me immediately stop crying and say You're right. I need to get out of this costume I've been wearing because it never was me.

I am an all powerful master of success....

Is that the bipolar mania?

Oh well, it's driving me forward either way.

Still feel like garbage. But not so down. The other things are still bugging me quite a lot as well as things I might mention some other time, but this school thing is a weight off my heart.

[ickle.Arnav]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I 'died' on lithium, my mind was mush and my emotions flatlined. Couldn't handle it at all. I have manic debt to repay, which has been eating at my very core. I understand the self-loathing that comes with failing ourselves, KNOWING we should be able to do better. And I also use sleep as my escape. I understand not having any self-discipline too. I dropped out on a course after a year bcoz of it. In times like these, we must remember to be kind to self. After all my past failures, I've learned that I can be productive and disciplined if I 'answer' to someone else... Besides needing money, it's the main reason I HAVE to work. Just wanted you to know that I get it, and you're not alone. Please don't give up on yourself, you've tried so hard, and so long. You're worth the effort!

Did your mush ever "re-undulate?" I would like my grey matter back.

[Trippin2.0]

Mush completely dissapeared a few weeks after I stopped taking meds. My memory's back in top form, cognition has gone back to normal. IF I decide to go back on meds in future, lithium will be a no-no.

[ickle.Arnav]

I was on Risperdal for a long time before I quit pills for six months, also I've been on a serious amount of benzos. I think I'm screwed.

[Trippin2.0]

I responded quite well to the Risperdal, minus the lactating that is. Only had benzos in emergencies tho. Been med free since mid October now, so far so good. Have you talked to your pdoc about a med change? I'm sure there are medz that don't have the 'stupidz' for side-effects.

[ickle.Arnav]

I'm on minimal meds. No benzos anymore. Meds are mostly side effectless.

[Trippin2.0]

Wow, you're lucky many members here on PC suffer some kind of side effect.

[ickle.Arnav]

I mean besides stuff I regularly deal with. Example: It's 10am and I haven't slept. I'm on my second 10mg ambien and 3mg melatonin. lol

[Trippin2.0]

Lol! Insomnia's a longtime friend of mine too. That's the other advantage of employment for me, I can fall asleep easier. Yes, I admit, I still don't sleep a full night, but atleast I don't spend 3hrs just TRYING to fall asleep

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Wow, you're lucky many members here on PC suffer some kind of side effect.

probly the most brilliant comment ever Ophelia

[Trippin2.0]

LOL James!