[dillpickle1983]

This morning has been rough. I for whatever reason have this incredible feeling of hate towards myself. I haven't self harmed, yet... I don't really plan too anyways but the feeling is there. I continue to over and over listen to Sia "breathe me" and it gives me a feeling of some calmness. Here's the link to the song. I typically don't self harm, I start taking my meds in a fashion that is out of compliance.... OD......

Ever since I got up at 915pm I have been on this anti me thing I don't know if this is a symptom of BPD but I am really struggling today. Luckily I have a therapist appointment at 1pm today but worried she might have me commited for an eval if I open my mouth. Today just seems so dark and gloomy I don't really know who to talk too.... I have thought about calling crisis but that is a one way trip (via police) to the nearest psych unit for an eval and I don't necessrily want to do that. I spent April 24th - June 8th in a hospital and residential treatment facility. I haven't even been out a month.

My depression is killing me. With the exception of today I sleep 16+ hours per day. Its so hard to get up, figure things out. I find it easier to stay in bed then deal with the day. It has gotten progressively worse since I got out. I am unemployed and on welfare something I thought could never happen to me. Its sobering knowing it did. I really want to self destruct in the worst way. The last week my anxiety has been so bad I have thrown up alot.

I've been asking myself silently lately is it worth living anymore, My honesty answer is I don't know. I thought I had a bright future, I thought I had it together, but I obviously didn't and got sick and failed. Failure is hard for me to swallow. I feel so worthless again. I really don't know what to do anymore. Do I sleep the day away, do I get help again and get screwed over by a sentence of several weeks in a psych unit or do i just ignore everything and hope it blows over.

The reason I'm so scared of telling anybody around me is they will have me commited. I don't have a great track record while in the hospital and am known to be violent on or off my meds especially when cornered. I don't like that feeling. I don't want to be mean or non compliant. I TAKE MY MEDS AS PRESCRIBED but they seem to not work. I hear voices that are starting to command now, something that is completely new to me. I don't know if its my conscience or what. But it is scaring me and this has been going on the last week and half. I think its the main part of me sleeping so much.

I really am at odds what to do. I can tell my therapist and see what happens, it's not my first plan but I dunno. I have failed so much in life that it is attacking my soul from the inside out if that makes any sense.

I know alot of this probably sounds like complaining and I'm sorry. I'm thankful for those that do read it this far, I turn to PC before I turn to my doctors and such.

thanks.

[roads]

Don't worry, Chandler, you don't come off as complaining. Unhappy, yes--& why not? Sleepiing 16 hrs a day along would have that effect on me! I think your meds may be way off.

More in a bit ...

[roads]

Chandler, long periods of sleep aren't going to do anything to restore your mental health to a balance, happy state. You aren't in some exhausted state where you need sleep for recovery ... all sleep is going to do is further depress your system!

Any time we see our docs when we're in less than our best shape, we're risking hospitalization. But if we're in trouble, maybe we need that. It's a hard call. It sounds to me though that you might need a med adjustment. It's just not normal to be sleeping so much ... And sleeping so much IMO is just making everything worse.

Roadie

[dillpickle1983]

Roadie:

Thanks for looking out. I've decided to print this whole conversation and just give it to my therapist and see what she says. I usually shutdown and don't talk when I get like this. These voices make me worry that "the trip is getting shorter" lol. Hope all is well with you.

-Chandler

[roads]

Stay in touch, Chandler ... I think printing out the post is probably wise. Please let me know what she thinks, whether she looks at the meds again!
Roadie

[dillpickle1983]

Good News, ER avoided. RN adjusted my meds, doubled my seroquel, and upped a little bit the loxitane. I also have a Dr's appointment on Monday at 0845. So I'm feeling a bit better now.

[Trippin2.0]

Hi Chandler, just saw your post. I'm sorry you've been struggling, but REAL glad you managed to avoid the ER, and have your meds looked at. And btw, you didn't sound complainy, we have to have a safe place to unloda the unhappiness, and for some of us, me included, this, is our only safe place. Please take care of yourself.