Kicking myself and wanting to end it

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I have had one heck of a day today.

At work, I fell into a similar pattern with one of the residents (disabled, elderly man). I was just being friendly to *Joe. Joe always says that he'd like me to visit him sometime so we can talk. I'm not against that idea. I enjoy talking with the elderly. The conversation quickly went down a familiar road for me ~ in which he's asking why I'm not still married. He doesn't understand how my marriage could have ended. I'm a very good looking young girl, my husband should be holing on tightly to me, etc. I then explained to Joe that my ex and I grew in different ways ~ shrugged my shoulders slightly ~ that's the only explanation. Joe grabbed me by the hand and said that he would always be there for me. Not in a sexual way, he says, but as a brother. So, Joe presses on asking about our sex life. I told Joe that I wasn't real comfortable talking about that with him. However, I'd already shared the my ex and I weren't on the same page sexually. I know ~ dummie!! Joe kept holding my hand, and then put his other hand up high on the back of my thigh...all the while telling me how pretty I am, and how much he wants to help me through this difficult time!

I managed to wiggle away from Joe, and assure him that I would come visit this weekend since I work anyway. Stupid! If I were smart, I would have told Joe to back off, that his behavior is inappropriate. Instead, I lack the ____ (something!) to be honest with my emotions. I can't find the reason for me allowing Joe to touch me like this. I was very uncomfortable, but I'm afraid to speak up already. UGHHH!

To make my day better, my girls finally got back from Ca. and they were set to come over tonight to spend the night, visit, and celebrate Kyra's 10th birthday. She was in Ca. with her dad and my family (that I don't have anything to do with anymore). I had baked and decorated 2 dozen cupcakes, had her birthday gift, and set out a bunch of books that I bought for them while they were gone.

Kyra barely touched her cupcake, then went into the bathroom a moment or two later and asks me to follow her into their bedroom. Big tears in her eyes, down her cheeks, and she tells me that she misses her dad. He'd just left 15-20 minutes prior! Kyra goes on to say that she feels real guilty for celebrating her birthday without him being present. "You were WITH your dad on your birthday, Kyra. I haven't seen you in weeks!" Tears are running down my cheeks now ~ my heart down in my tummy. Then, I feel bad because my pain is making her feel worse ~ so I have to stuff it inside of me. Great! We go back out to the dining room, and I try to move things on to the card and gift. She whizzed right through it, didn't mean a thing to her. To make matters worse, Lena (she's 7 going on 17!) says, "That's it?? That stinks." My eyes welled with tears again and I was SO hurt. I put a lot of time, money, and thought into the gifts. Lena had eaten part of her cupcake, then rolled it up into a messy napkin ball and threw it away.

I then let Kyra put the Mary Poppins movie on and went to my bf's apartment upstairs for a box of Kleenex. I bawled my eyes out up there! I just want the girls to go away now. I know that sounds mean or cruel, but I am so hurt!! I can't stand the pain of me giving my all to them, it not being appreciated whatsoever, and then hearing how wonderful everyone else is. They were just out in Ca for almost 3 freaking weeks ~ 3!! They didn't miss me at all. They never called or wrote to me, despite me doing both to them a few times. F'ing cruel! I know that kids don't have the ability to realize that their actions can really hurt other people's feelings, but COME ON!!! WTH wouldn't wonder if this was going to hurt me a little bit?

I can't stand it!!! I can't wait for a few more years to pass before I can end this meaningless life of mine. This is just unbearable for me. I am dreading my day with them tomarrow, as I know they will keep pushing me. What are we going to do now? What now? Push, push, push... all of the while not appreciating what I've given them. It feels like complete disrespect to me. But, I'm not a real good judge about that kind of thing. When I was a kid, you sure didn't act this way around your parents, elders, or other adults. You show respect and follow the rules, otherwise you're getting a whooping! So, I have a real tough time making appropriate rules, privleges (sp?), and punishments. Lost is an understatement.

Shez

Sending you many loving s. I feel so terrible for you, the thing with *Joe, is aweful, and I think the girls were disrespectful toward you, and don't blame you for feeling as hurt as you do. Wish I could say something to make you feel better

oh shez... I am at a loss for words. I can feel your pain. My eyes welled up as I was reading your post. Kids truly don't understand the depth of pain their words and actions can inflict. I will say a little prayer for you.

Know that you are not alone.

peace
Kare

I used to go through this with my oldest daughter when I divorced her dad. He lived with his parents...could do anything he wanted with his pay check...didn't pay child support, and I had a car, an apratment, bills....She never wanted to come home because I worked so much and Daddy was on a two week rotating schedule. She hated being in day care with me, and I worked all the time. It gets better as they get older. I hate doing it...but guilt tends to work not right away, but over years. "Mommy spent a lot of time and money on that gift honey....I did my best....I'm a single mom now, and money is tight." Then leave it there. I just tell my kids the truth about money when they want things etc. They have a respect fo that. "You know...I want to buy that for you, but you need to wait till next time Daddy gets paid, but you also need to clean your room for the next 2 weeks to get it." That's what I do...hope it helps, and I hope things get better. xoxxoo

(((((Shez))))

I feel the same way, or similar. I bust my bum trying to do things right and try to be there for people I care about and I more often than not don't get recognized. I told my roommate last night, "The little guy heroes don't get recognized."

I so often feel like I am simply not good enough.

But we are good enough.

I just can't help how others see me.

And it is so hard for us to watch people go thru th ings and feel like we can't make it better.

B.

((((((((Shez))))))))

Kids can sure have a ball for themselves making someone else feel small. Yes - THEY ARE CRUEL. They can feel empowered by doing what they did to you. But they live in the moment. That's probably not all they are capable of being.

You may need to get in touch with your inner mean child. I bet you don't think you have one. I bet that, as a kid, you were really nice to people. Well, you need to expand your repertoire of behavior. You might want to show your kids a new side of you that they assume could never exist. It doesn't exist yet. You are going to have to invent it. Sometimes, being aloof and cool and quite detached from kids who have been not very nice is exactly what they need. In fact, rather than detached, I would advise a little snootiness aimed right back at them.

My suspicion is that they are playing you. Maybe - be a bit less eager to please. Let them seek your attention. Then, when they do, say "I don't feel like talking much, and act indifferent." Let them be all confused wondering what is wrong with you. I have used this technique with kids and have found that it can work wonders. Like you can get to doing something that you know they would like to join you in and then act like you don't really want to be bothered with them.

Now, I will admit that I don't have children. I have made quite a study of kids though. I have had nieces and nephews eating out of my hand by turning the tables and letting them be the ones to plead for my attention. You have to have some kind of a prop to use. Like get some really fancy glittery stuff to do up your nails with. Let them watch you, while they eat out their hearts, hoping you will do their nails, too. You know how all the little girls often want to be friends with the most stuck up girl in their class. You might have to become that girl. Start putting those decals on your nails that you know they would just kill to go around sporting. Play hard to get. They don't think you're cool. That's because you are instinctively warm. Kids often don't respect that.

I just use nail decorations as an example. It could be any of a hundred things. They are 7 and 10, after all. Just get yourself some cool toys and act like you might share them if people suck up to you enough. I have had so much fun with this technique. It allowed me to learn to be the cool kid that I never was. Also, start contradicting things they say, just arbitrarily. Just mess with their heads. It's hysterical what arouses admiration in kids. Have fun with it.

Oh, let me add: I have worked professionally in the care of "troubled" children. So, when I say I have made a study - I really have. I care deeply about children. However, I've learned that a little reverse psychology can be quite effective.

(((((((((((((((( Shez )))))))))))))))

shez, gentle hugs galore ...
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Children are such a mixed bundle: They can bring gobs of love and a ton of pain-usually a bumpy package with a little bit of each, loosely strung together. Being brought up in separate households I think confuses them definitely, two of them going through it together gives them a chance to discuss it & get things all wrong--you see where I'm coming from? You got yourself a real mess!!

Your desire to be respected by your kids, to be in general treated better by them, isn't out of line a bit, shez. If I were you, I would sit down together and have a quiet but firm talk. Confirm your love for them, that explains respect ... and how it goes both ways. Tell them that the cupcakes and the present were not just love but also came from your respect for them and from your joy at their return to you. Try to get them to understand in that context how their behavior hurt you.

And give them one or two simple new rules of behavior. Something you will be comfortable enforcing ... with consequences, if they violated it.

Could this work for you?

Roadie

Have you stopped to realize you're freaking out over what a ten year old kid says? Are you in therapy? It's a good idea to talk about this and get feedback from someone who understands BPD.