does anyone feel they are losing them self in a self destruct bubble of parasuicuicid

Hi everyone, stay strong.

Im losing myself to my wierd emotions.
am mentally ill with substance/alcohol abuse though im self medicating for every hour of survival.
Woke up in hosp other day after hacking into my fiancees drug safe, as i told him and all to **** off, they wouldnt so called police
ps he doesnt like leaving me alone but he also ill with a leg frame on due to a sever leg break

so took 16 amitryptillines, 8 tramadols, 5 escitalopramand 16 paracetamol

been feeling ill for days, lucky crisis team who saw me in hosp knew me,and i lied that i dont feel suicidal.

sorry,also people are lying to me telling me ive done stuff i havent and making me feel **** and losing my mind.

dont feel safe, but know a psych re admision gonna make me worse]]

sorry i need some advice