[Jayda]

Hi,
I am new here, I found this site while researching borderline personality disorder so I thought I'd join so I can try learn a little more about it and maybe meet some people who are like me too!
I've kind of always known there was something wrong with me. But I've always tried to deny it to myself and convinced myself I was ok, just 'a little crazy' lol. I originally thought that I could be bipolar as I have some of the symptoms but it just never felt quite right so I decided I was going to carry on without going to doctors.

But recently, I have noticed it really is having a terrible impact on my life, relationships, everything so I decided to start researching again. I had noticed that I have different 'modes' and they are very very different from each other and it is extremely confusing for me. In these different modes it's like I am two different people. So I just typed into google one day, I feel like I am 2 different people, and that's how I found info about borderline personality disorder and the more I read about it, the more it sounded just like me! and now I am about 95% sure I have it, but I'm also scared of what it could mean.
I have had a lonnggggg pattern of unstable relationships, friendships, romantic and family. Mainly because 1 minute I think that person is amazing and perfect and wonderful but then they do 1 little thing that contradicts my vision of them and I think that they don't love me enough anymore or get extremely paranoid that they are doing something else to hurt me. I have fears of being abandoned, I've had this belief for a long time that 'everyone always leaves me' and everyone else that is here now will eventually. I've had all the depression, anxiety, chronic feelings of emptiness, that noone seems to understand. The pain can feel so bad it feels like I am grieving for someone close to me who has died.
When I'm in a relationship with someone I have this ideal vision of them where they are perfect until they do that first one little thing that contradicts this, then I feel like that's it, nothings the same, everything is wrong, they don't love me enough etc etc etc. And it can be over the most stupid of things, but to me it feels a HUGE deal.
It's the same with friendships also.
I drink too much alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, but I go through periods where I drink regularly and far too much. I engage in unsafe sex, sometimes in potentially dangerous situations.
I can be extremely sensitive. Sometimes a tiny tiny thing can set me off and I have a kind of breakdown or I have a panic attack. Eg, once when at work a colleague said something to me that I took as a major bash at me and my mind started spiralling out of control, I could feel a panic attack coming on, my thoughts were swirling I couldn't think or breathe and I just ran off the work premises home in this mad horrible state without even telling anyone I was leaving. I could go on forever, sorry for wafffling on so much! But is there anyone here who has borderline personality disorder who could help me understand? I am worried about going to the doctors as when I went asking for more info about bipolar disorder a couple of years ago and they seemed to just think I was wanting to be trendy or something and just diagnosing myself with it just because I was 'a bit sad' but it really isn't the case! I am afraid they won't understand. Anyone who could comment or help I would really appreciate it, thank you.

Hi. First of all, I'm sorry for all that you're going through. My heart goes out to you. I have been dx'd with BPD and previously Bipolar. One thing is that the two disorders have overlapping symptoms so a lot of times a BPD person is misdiagnosed as BP. I mention that because it's not unusual for you have seen the BP characteristics along with BPD. My most recent pdoc said I have bpd but possibly bp also.

All of the things you mention are things that are traits of bpd. I have a strong fear of abandonment, which is sometimes triggered by, as you say that "one little thing". Same with the putting people on pedestals and then "hating them" when they've done anything to screw up that perfect image of them. This "black and white" thinking is another trait that you seem to mention that is pointing to bpd. I won't break down everything you've said, as you're already thinking you're 95% sure that you have bpd but I will say it's enough that you should probably get dx'd.

Don't be scared of what it means. The thing is, my life is still pretty much a mess but it's better than it was before the DX. Why? Because being aware of the things behind some of my behaviors, in and of itself has helped me to cope with it and control it somewhat. Of course I still need to get a T to help me more with it, but in short, for me, it's better knowing what it is than to guess and wonder indefinitely.

There are also things they can do. Some people get on meds to balance the BP like characteristics of mood swings, I personally have not done well on meds and am currently not on anything. It can possibly help though, and having a dx will help to get the help you need. There is also a specific therapy known as DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that is used to treat BPD. I have only heard good things about it but have not done this yet. Something to look into.

Know that you are not alone suffering these things and I, for one, understand what you're going through better than you might think. I am no expert on BPD itself, but since I've had the DX for awhile, I know a little about it We're all here learning and there are tons of understanding people on this site, I hope you get to know us. *hugs*

feel free to pm me if you want to talk or need support

I have not been diagnosed either and discovered BPD back in February, and when I saw the traits, it all clicked. I hope to be officially diagnosed in the near future, but learning about BPD and finding PC has helped a little. At least I'm not completely alone anymore. My abandonment issues are my main problem right now. Finding it very hard to cope. Use PC to learn about BPD about people who have it and to not feel so isolated. You're not alone anymore.

Hi Jayda,

Welcome to PC None of us are professionals so we won't be able to tell you for sure but from what you're describing it does sound as though your symptoms fit the diagnosis. Getting a diagnosis however can be tough - amazingly there still isn't a lot of reasearch on BPD. That said, the sooner you talk to your doctor about this the better. Hopefully you will then be referred to a specialist who can give you an assessment. The treatment programme is DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) - again very hard to get onto in my experience but it differs from place to place. There is no medication for BPD but luckily symptoms abate with age whether you've had treatment or not. This site should hopefully be helpful to you as we use it a lot in our DBT group; www.dbtselfhelp.com Also continue to check out the BPD board and hopefully you'll find lots of information/support. All the best.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I have not been diagnosed either and discovered BPD back in February, and when I saw the traits, it all clicked. I hope to be officially diagnosed in the near future, but learning about BPD and finding PC has helped a little. At least I'm not completely alone anymore. My abandonment issues are my main problem right now. Finding it very hard to cope. Use PC to learn about BPD about people who have it and to not feel so isolated. You're not alone anymore.

Welcome Jayda! Thank you for your post!

I feel the same way.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Hi Jayda! Wow I feel like our lives mirror each other!! What you have described I have done as well. You are soooo not alone in your thoughts and feelings! It sounds like we are all there and that makes me feel alot less isolated - although since finding this site yesterday I have been on it almost continuously! So much great information and supporting people that know and understand.

I am really glad your here

[Jayda]

aww thank you *hugs*
I agree with you, if I do end up being diagnosed it can only be a good thing and I shouldn't be scared. If I can get help to stop all the negative symptoms I'm experiencing and learn how to deal with them myself then it's a positive thing not negative. I must be brave and make an appointment at docs lol
Thank you, it's so nice to know that people understand

[Jayda]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I have not been diagnosed either and discovered BPD back in February, and when I saw the traits, it all clicked. I hope to be officially diagnosed in the near future, but learning about BPD and finding PC has helped a little. At least I'm not completely alone anymore. My abandonment issues are my main problem right now. Finding it very hard to cope. Use PC to learn about BPD about people who have it and to not feel so isolated. You're not alone anymore.

That's exactly how I felt when I read all of the characteristics and traits. Like a light went off. I started crying lol
*hugs* I hope you can get the help you need soon.
My main problem at the moment is just the mood swings I go through, they are so up, down and all over the place.
I do feel I am going to benefit alot from being here, its nice to feel understood for a change

[Jayda]

Thank you
I think that is definately the next step I need to take - going to see a doc. I am going to make an appointment first thing tomorrow. Thanks for the link I will check it out

[Jayda]

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

Hi Jayda! Wow I feel like our lives mirror each other!! What you have described I have done as well. You are soooo not alone in your thoughts and feelings! It sounds like we are all there and that makes me feel alot less isolated - although since finding this site yesterday I have been on it almost continuously! So much great information and supporting people that know and understand.

I am really glad your here

That's exactly how I felt when I first read a post by someone explaining their bpd. It was so good to know that I am not the only one who goes through this.
It feels so great to read that people actually understand how I'm feeling! Thanks, I'm glad you are too Maybe we can chat some time

[perniciousfirefly]

Hi Jayda, hope ya safe and well (i know its confusing) as can be.

I'm 30,diagnosed at 28. (ps added ya as friend if wanna talk im from uk) could speak tya.

I always knew something was wrong with me hun, and its a diagnosis health care sometimes doesnt recognise or is scared of

its not your fault i think we care too much which is why we are actually so flitting in our feelings black/white i know! love/hate, depression/elation

please get speak to professionals and get a good psychiatrist/psychologist.

remember you are special and it sounds bpd but could be other probs.x

all my love

[Psychochick]

Mood swings? Did someone mention mood swings?? I have BPD myself (go me ) and I could write a book on mood swings!

In fact, I think I will. Right now!

(Uhh, yeah, being highly impulsive is another borderline trait. )

Welcome, Jayda!

[Jayda]

Originally Posted by perniciousfirefly

Hi Jayda, hope ya safe and well (i know its confusing) as can be.

I'm 30,diagnosed at 28. (ps added ya as friend if wanna talk im from uk) could speak tya.

I always knew something was wrong with me hun, and its a diagnosis health care sometimes doesnt recognise or is scared of

its not your fault i think we care too much which is why we are actually so flitting in our feelings black/white i know! love/hate, depression/elation

please get speak to professionals and get a good psychiatrist/psychologist.

remember you are special and it sounds bpd but could be other probs.x

all my love

Thanks I accepted your request, would be great to speak some time.
I am definately at some point very soon going to go speak to my gp about it and then maybe he/she can point me in the right direction.
But everytime I think about it I get stupidly scared and begin to panic lol
I'm scared they will put me on meds and that is something I really really don't want. My Mom has seen a psychiatrist and been in and out of mental hospitals ever since I was 5. (she has paranoid schizophrenia)
I'm now 21 and she has been on antidepressants and other meds all that time and I really feel like they just stopped her brain from functioning properly. Meds just scare me.
But on the other hand having someone to talk to who understands what I am going through and having some kind of therapy to give me some relief and learn how to manage my behaviour and emotions would be good for me. Sorry. Waffling again haha
I WILL go to the docs! lol
Thanks for the friendship hope to talk sometime xx

[Jayda]

Originally Posted by Psychochick

Mood swings? Did someone mention mood swings?? I have BPD myself (go me ) and I could write a book on mood swings!

In fact, I think I will. Right now!

(Uhh, yeah, being highly impulsive is another borderline trait. )

Welcome, Jayda!

haha go for it :P
Thank u!