[deye81]

Hello Folks,

A couple months after my divorce, I met this beautiful woman and we were dating for 4 months. We broke up in an unpleasant manner a few weeks ago. A friend of mine told me that she might be BPD, but upon reading about BPD, I'm confused because some of the symptoms describe me more than her. So, I want some clarity from you folks, here is some background on the two of us:

She was 30, fun, strong, independent, rich, straight-forward and very forthcoming about her past boy-friends, sexual fantasies and such. She even said she had no regret after having a one-night stand with a very famous doctor in town who was married at that time. At that time of her affair with that doctor she said she was going through divorce and openly admitted that she had men in her life during that rocky time, she said she was technically cheating on her husband (who was an alcoholic) but then heart wasn't in their relationship so she didn't feel she was doing anything wrong.

Since she was very attractive, she was sought out by men and I became jealous shortly after our relationship got serious. She was attending some classes and she would describe with fancy how smart her teacher was and how awesome one of her young (18 yr old male) fellow-student was. At this time once, accidentally I got to see her emails (she forgot to log off after using my computer). All the description she had said about her exs' and her timeline matched (for instance, she had told her bfs she had to get a divorce and needed their support and stuff like that). Then one day, I walked in on her while she was talking to a guy on skype, when I asked her whom she was talking to, she said "friend" and then scrambled to defuse the situation by walking away from the comp. Then later in the day, I checked her computer and found out she was in-fact video-chatting with her ex (the one from whom she broke up before we got together). When I asked her about it, she said she does talk to him, but not with an intent of getting back with him ("no one is stripping", she said) when I checked her comp again, it appeared that they weren't talking intimate and nothing was scandalous, although she had been talking to him before and after meeting me. He was in a different continent, so it wasn't an immediate threat to our relationship.

By this time, I was in a full blown panic attack mode, since I only recently got divorced and I had really started to like this woman and I began to keep track of her emails, and within a week I saw that she had sent her pic to another guy, and this guy was in town . When I asked her about him, she said he was a "friend". She had never told me a word about this guy before and although the pic she sent wasn't scandalous, I suspected that she was trying to find another guy. I didn't care that she was interested in another guy, but I shouldn't be lied to or cheated on. In extreme panic and anger I sent that guy a mail asking him to back off and that we are very intimate (I mentioned that we do certain very intimate sexual acts on each other to drive home the point). The guy apparently called her and told her about my email right away. She said she was extremely embarrassed and disgusted by me telling a "friend" about what happens in our bedroom, The next day when I asked her why she didn't tell me about him, she said she meets lots of people in town and she can't give me a print-out of all the people she meets, at that time she said she even "met" another guy, I asked her if she's been dating them while living with me, she said NO. I demanded proof that guy was just a friend and demanded to see her phone to see their conversations, she said absolutely not. I grabbed her phone and we wrestled (not harming each other) and eventually she said "I will tell you what you want to hear, I slept with him, but you can't have my phone since it's my private item". When I asked her again if it was true in a very tearful state, she relented and said I was hurting her and she was trying to hurt me back by saying she slept with him. Then there were tears, hugs, kisses, "I love yous'" and then we parted ways since the situation had become so ugly (I had called her slut in anger and even said she's whoring around, she appeared genuinely shocked at those comments) She's currently away taking time off to recover by vacationing in an exotic island. But, me being not as well-heeled as her, is stuck and desperately hurting. In grief, I tried to contact her, she's saying she wants to talk to me "since I'm a great guy, and she won't hurt me and will always protect me" but she'll do it on her own terms and get in touch when the time is right.

Meanwhile I went to my therapist and she said this relationship of mine was a rebound relationship (after my divorce) and they will fail since I'm not healed yet. While discussing about my situation we both realized (and my ex-wife confirmed) that I have abandonment issues. Even with therapy, I have this pre-occupation with knowing whether she lied about the guy she sent her pic to, a part of me wants to confirm whether she cheated on me even after all this ugliness. Somehow I feel like that will bring closure, I cannot understand this drive to find out what was the deal between them; on one side I understand I'm being obsessive, but on the other hand, I so want that answer and I keep looking up that guy on the internet, I even tried to get in touch with him to ask him directly, but he wouldn't talk to me. My therapist says I have to let go and there are no answers to certain questions and that I have to realize as an adult that she wasn't the right person for me and that I just have to give up this obsession to know what happened. I have also had this obsession to know what exactly happened with both my ex-wife (due to her sketchy past) and also with my ex-gf (10 years ago) when she cheated on me.

Given my description, what of all this sounds reasonable? i.e., What part is me hurting because of loss of love and is going through natural emotions? And what part is exhibiting some personality disorder like BPD? If I do in fact have a personality disorder, I want to work on it and get better, on the other hand if this woman had BPD, then I want to forget all of this as a bad episode and not beat myself up for screwing up.

Thanks for your time!

Hey Deye,


Sounds like a stressful relationship to me. We can't personally tell you if you have BPD or not. Although, people who have Borderline often have 'abandonment' issues, this is not the only criteria for the disorder. You mentioned that you looked up the criteria and related to it, yes?

Have you asked you asked your therapist whether or not you show signs of having BPD?

To be honest, I would probably be jealous too! But, hey, I have BPD. I think many people would tell you that it's natural to feel hurt and despairing after a relationship ends. Some jealousy is normal and natural, especially when trust is still building.

So tell me, did you argue with her a lot? Get hostile and have a hard time controlling your emotions? Do you feel completely overwhelmed by your emotions A LOT of the time? Do you idealize her? Did you need constant reassurance that she wouldn't leave you? Do you feel a sense of complete emptiness and lonliness most of the time? Have you always had a hard time maintaining relationships and friendships in the past? Do you 'beat yourself up' often?

Some of the things you're feeling right now could very well be caused by separating from someone you care about. I would suggest to read more online about the disorder, read postings around here, too...can you relate? Talk to your therapist and ask questions...There is also a wonderful relationships forum here that can help you during this very hard time if you can't find answers here. Many people here understand what you're going through, break-ups are extremely difficult to begin with...

[deye81]

Well well well, today the cat was out of the bag. I found out that that this woman was a cheater after all. The "friend" to whom she supposedly sent pics to was dating her for a month without knowing she was living with me during that time. After he became aware of me, he had confronted her and she told him that she dated me for a month and then she moved in with me since I was "close to her work", it was the exact opposite, she was far away from her work due to moving in with me. Unbelievable! This other guy and I exchanged a couple of emails and we immediately realized that we both were being played, his words were "we both were being played like an xbox controller". I now know what I was putting down to my jealousy was my gut instinct telling me she's a cheater. Henceforth I will do as my gut says in the initial stages of a relationship. Thanks for your time.

[Zenster]

Good for you for finding out the truth. I'm sorry for the pain you have been living.

The label may not matter - she is a liar and a cheater and that is damaging. She probably has issues but without honesty, you can never trust her. Move on! Cut your losses.