What does abandonment mean to "normal" people

Can't anticipate what people might say or do or how you'll react to them. Don't know how they're thinking. You think they're thinking or feeling one way and you react to how you think they're feeling, and find out differently that you were wrong and screwed yourself over in the process, and of course, by then, you can't take it back. My last two issues of people having enough of me and leaving were precipitated by this I believe.

i dont think regular/ normal people think about abondment
us with BPD we are in a adult body but still think like a child...children feel abondment when mommy goes to work, or when they are left alone at school...etc so thats out problem we dont have that reflex that somone is comming back, or that somone is not going to leave it just not not click i guess, Object constancy we dont have that.. just me

Oh man...I couldn't have said it better. Why did it make me laugh so hard? So sad it's funny perhaps?

No kidding! I have an inward directed type of BPD. Internalize the person you are raging mad at, then proceed to try to destroy them....ultimately leads to self harm for me. If actually getting raging mad at the person makes you feel better and allows you to retain some self respect, I would imagine that you are a far happier person than I am. It also allows you to 'be OK' with being on your own. You are not trying to keep anybody around so if they piss you off, you'd just as soon be rid of them. My approach - I try to turn them into a nice person...gag!... Your approach certainly sounds better, at least you protect your boundaries. I wish I could do so well in isolation but I just can't.
Oh no, sometimes the e-mail only comes after I've obsessed over it for a week and practically convinced myself the person can't stand being around me. The e-mail sometimes simply seeks clarity -> good news or bad, don't keep me in the dark. "Normal" functioning?...On the surface, yes. Ever seen the movie "Ordinary People" with Timothy Hutton? A very normal boy. Until he kills himself! Nobody saw it coming. I so identified with his character.
People don't tell me they're going to leave me. They just do. They cut off all communication, just like that, no explanation. That is what I expect from people after one fight. But...I hear what you are saying and I agree at the intellectual level. I've done all sorts of talking to myself along these lines, telling myself it's all in my head, looking for proof he's still 'with' me. Along the way, as much as I try not to, I end up convincing myself beyond a shadow of a doubt the exact opposite. This is why CBT did not work for me. I seem 100% intent on destroying myself.

It is clear you are making progress though Cbox. Keep it up.

lol

Ok, you're making sense to me now. You're definitely NOT normal, and closer to crazy as ****...

Well, you're actually wrong here... being raging mad at someone and taking that rage out on them is part of the bpd dysfunction for me..Because it's an inappropriate/intense anger which ultimately leads to the destruction of a relationship/friendship. There is no self respect or boundaries, because once my emotions become regulated later I'm left with regrets.

The rest would be a very long, complex and hard to answer. The very short version would be...I'm not happier. After years of being self destructive in regards to relationships/friendships its led to a feeling of self defeat. So, I'm not happier being alone, it's more of a disassociation with that part of my world which involves others and that has left me with basically feeling nothing towards others.

Not true. See above.

Also, not true. You truly do not understand the complexities of me... I have had some success with dbt, unfortunately these successes have evolved into realizing a different kind of not normal. It's lead me to a place where I've conceded to give up on a part of my life. I've settled for aspects of my life which are hardly normal functioning and has lead me to a point of social isolation with no desire to interact with a "normal" person . I do not hate them, but I also don't like them and hold animosity towards them. In this area I'm probably past the point of no return... This is another area that would be extremely long and complex.

This is me.

I think the same t hing; we don't have the ability to validate ourselves or be okay unless they stay and/or continue to validate us.

I am learning self-validation and darn straight its a very lonely business. But I am learning to be alone and okay with others. I still have not attained it.

The saddest, most prominent thing that me and my mentor are studying right now is my inability to love myself---because I never learned how. I learned, from my parental figure, to hate myself.

Carol

Do you still like them enough to apologize? I do not mean 'condone their actions' with an apology. But an apology that you overreacted so intensely but at least now they know your boundaries. I don't think there's much point in going into the specific issue, that would probably just get you boiling mad again.

I've never quite understood this state of mind. To me, to dissociate completely and say that 'I don't care' just leaves a big empty hole in me. Maybe its just impossible for me to 'not care' about relationships. Not caring but still not being happy are mutually exclusive for me. If I really don't care about something then it does not make me unhappy not to have it. I guess for you, it is neither making you happy nor unhappy, you simply dissociate and turn it into a simple fact to which you attach no feeling (good or bad). Maybe it's just the state you need to be in right now to do the DBT work. As in...if you can keep your emotions in check by saying 'nothing matters' then your head can be firmly in control and it has the ininterrupted space to think things through the way they need to be thought through without emotional interference.

I understand the 'giving up' part. That's what 'not caring' feels like for me. Perhaps you could simply say that this is a temporary phase that you need to be in at the moment, and once you are ready, you can try to relate with others again. In the meantime, maybe you should try to answer 'what are the qualities of people you DO like?' and 'What qualities do people like in me and what kind of people would appreciate those qualities?'

Of course I apologize, however people are generally not all that forgiving after they've had their head ripped off. If they do forgive then the dynamics of the friendship have changed which creates problems in itself. The friendship is neither ended but it's not the same as it was. This creates neediness and paranoia which will ultimately lead to the ending of the friendship.

A big hole is what it is.

probably

There is no dbt work to be done. The issue/dysfunction is interpersonal relationships that would require me to show interest and put forth effort into a "normal" functioning person. I have none!! I don't hate nons, but I don't like them either. I have no desire in faking an interest in their lives, problems when I really don't give a **** about them.

this would require putting forth effort into people I don't care about, and that would be a waste of my time. There really is nothing else to say in regards to this. I know you'll want to respond and probably give suggestions on how to meet people or good qualities in people or something... Don't!!! It's a waste of your time because I feel nothing towards them.

When I say, "I wish I had friends or better relationships with others" their basically words with no attached emotion. It feels the sameway as saying "I wish I had a million dollars".