[picklewheeze]

Im havig a few friendship/relationship/boundary problems. Ive met a new girl (shes straight, i think. Im not) but yeah. Ive known her about a month now.and we have so much in common. Dont get me wrong were very different but weve been through some really similar stuff. Shes a very mothering type caring person, which i think is what im really feeding off (with the whole hunt for parental figure, wanting to be nurtured thing). The thing is i think im starting to get myself.in a bit too deep especially as im startig.to think ive got a bit off a crush on her and shes straight. So i dont know what to do. I cant and dont really want to cut all ties, but i couod cut some and try get some.space to.clear my head or should i just feed this (slight) obsession and.hope it passes?
Any advice? Anyone felt like this before?
Im actually starting to get a bit jealous over her now.. Getting a bit ridiculous.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Haven't been in that exact situation, but it does sound like it may be wise to back up a bit and give you and her some space. Maybe tell her that you have a crush on her, but you know she is straight and respect and value her too much to jeopardize your friendship in any way, which is why you need to back off a bit.
Honesty can be the best policy.

I think if you feed the obsession, you could be headed for trouble.

The good thing is that you are aware of what is going on with you and you do respect and value her enough to try to find the best course of action.

[picklewheeze]

Thank you for your advice it is muchly appreciated. Always good to get an outsiders view.
Im not sure I'd want to discuss it with her as I doubt she knows at the moment, I'm pretty good at playing things down. I can see what youre saying though about honsty. I just dont want to make her feel awkward. Plus the fact that my feelings are very subject to change so Im a bit reluctant to poor my heart out as I'll probably have gone off her soon anyway, well hopefully.

[powertools321]

What about telling her, but not telling her. What I mean by that is some statement like "Boy if you weren't straight I would ask you out" in a joking manner. That way you kinda get it off your chest but are less apt to threaten the relationship. Your realizing that you are feeling like this is great by the way, good use of mindfulness. Other than that I would tend not to feed into it either, and give yourself some space if need be.

[picklewheeze]

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm not openly bisexual at the moment, but I have discussed with her that I am and her response was 'I dont know, I've never had a female come on to me' so I dont really know how she feels. But im not sure I want to probe. She probably is straight and i dont really know why she said what she said?
Okay thank you. Sometimes I think I'm a bit too self aware. I'd like to have just one relationship I dont overthink!

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm not openly bisexual at the moment, but I have discussed with her that I am and her response was 'I dont know, I've never had a female come on to me' so I dont really know how she feels. But im not sure I want to probe. She probably is straight and i dont really know why she said what she said?
Okay thank you. Sometimes I think I'm a bit too self aware. I'd like to have just one relationship I dont overthink!

If you are anything like me, good luck on the not over thinking it part.
Good luck with the rest, I wish I had some great words of wisdom but unfortunately I don't. Here's a hug though.

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

She probably is straight and i dont really know why she said what she said?

I don't want to feed your obsession, but that's an open ended statement she gave you and to me a straight person would have said something more definitive about their sexuality. That being said, what powertools said about playfully probing where they stand by saying something like, "boy if you weren't straight... " At least you could get a response without putting too much pressure on the relationship as it is.

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Okay thank you. Sometimes I think I'm a bit too self aware. I'd like to have just one relationship I dont overthink!

I'm an over-thinker also. I know what you mean, but overthinking may be detrimental to relationships, being too self aware, well, there's no such thing. Being aware of yourself, your needs, wants, behaviors can never be a bad thing. over analyzing a relationship is where people have problems.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks for the hug power tools!
Im glad you think that too and.its not just me being optimistic. It sounded like a massive lead on at the time but i didnt know if she just said it in the spur off the moment without thinking how it might sound to me. Guh im gonna have to bring this up arent i? Sigh! Just an added.complication.
Thanks for all the advice you two!
Yeahh i suffer with paranoia so i do overthink MASSIVELY!

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Thanks for the hug power tools!
Im glad you think that too and.its not just me being optimistic. It sounded like a massive lead on at the time but i didnt know if she just said it in the spur off the moment without thinking how it might sound to me. Guh im gonna have to bring this up arent i? Sigh! Just an added.complication.
Thanks for all the advice you two!
Yeahh i suffer with paranoia so i do overthink MASSIVELY!

You're very welcome Hope it turns out well for you either way. <3

Paranoia: yeah I understand. I know first hand what that's like. "Why are those two across the room that I've never seen in my life, laughing about me??? Am I really taht weird?"

[picklewheeze]

Yeah i think thats what im cofusing with being jealous over her is just generally my being paranoid.

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Im havig a few friendship/relationship/boundary problems. Ive met a new girl (shes straight, i think. Im not) but yeah. Ive known her about a month now.and we have so much in common. Dont get me wrong were very different but weve been through some really similar stuff. Shes a very mothering type caring person, which i think is what im really feeding off (with the whole hunt for parental figure, wanting to be nurtured thing). The thing is i think im starting to get myself.in a bit too deep especially as im startig.to think ive got a bit off a crush on her and shes straight. So i dont know what to do. I cant and dont really want to cut all ties, but i couod cut some and try get some.space to.clear my head or should i just feed this (slight) obsession and.hope it passes?
Any advice? Anyone felt like this before?
Im actually starting to get a bit jealous over her now.. Getting a bit ridiculous.

Hey pickle,
I can relate to this...I've had 'crushes' on straight women. It's tough...I do know that it will pass, however. (One thing we people with BPD do is idealize the person a LOT). This makes the obsession worse. IMO, it's futile and you know this, because she is straight. Despite conceptions (or perhaps hopes) a straight person is not going to 'turn'. Although we want to be that one person to turn the straight person gay, it is probably not going to happen, even if they're infatuated and confide in us that they were always 'curious' or 'interested', it is still a set up for disapointment. I've put myself out there in the past (foolishly) which only led to embarassment and the loss of a friendship.

My advice is to let it run its course, soon you will see that this person is fallible, and you may even be able to distinguish between true romantic/ sexual feelings and the need to be loved or nurtured. The latter is not the former...Are you sure it's a crush? Maybe it is idol worship, maybe it is wanting to keep the current relationship/friendship the exact way it is, or perhaps having her there to nurture and support you? Perhaps these feelings came about because you dont know how else to express this part of yourself and your needs? I know I, in the past, have had a hard time distinguishing feelings mainly because of my lack of ability to express myself, and to pinpoint what my TRUE needs really are...

So if it is in fact a crush...don't feed it ESPECIALLY if you are certain she is straight. This is the perfect set up for dissapointment, resentment, the destruction of a friendship etc.
If she is a lesbian or bisexual (and you *can* ask her) that's a different story all together. All I recommend is to keep yourself safe, and sometimes crushes just pass with the wind they came in on.

Either way, I know what the confusion is about, I've lived it.
Best wishes.

[picklewheeze]

Man, i wrote an epic response that didnt send

The jist, tha.k you muchly.for the response.

i think she is straight to be honest. Ive been in this situation before myself.and its not fun. When i meet a lesbian, im attracted to them in both ways. With this girl i have no sexual feelings towards her. I think this is because i KNOW shes straight whether conciously or subconciously so it would feel wrong to think about her sexually.

I think youre write i what you say. It pribably isnt a crush. As said before, its nothing sexual i just want to be closer to her than perhaps 'normal' friendships allow. It probably is just a need to feel nurtured by her.

Also, lkke uou said it will probably pass as quickly as its come on. Most ny feelings do (probably the bpd). Usually when i realise im not getting what i want (enough attention i guess )

Out of interest, does anyone ever find themself attracted to someone purely because off the attention they give us even if theyre really 'not your type'?

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Out of interest, does anyone ever find themself attracted to someone purely because off the attention they give us even if theyre really 'not your type'?

Not so much anymore, but in the past YES all the time.