[MidnightShine]

I've been told by my therapist I've had since I was 14 (I'm 18 now) That I have signs of BPD.. I am getting an assessment etc done soon.. Just wanted to know if I sound like I have the symptoms...

Here is a bit more info about me:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment: I'm constantly scared of losing my current bf... He also has a kid with his ex girlfriend, so I'm always trying to change myself to fit his perfect gf, if he tells me i'm doing something bad, like flirting with someone or something harmless such as that I'll completley get rid of the problem, the person for example I'll block, cut off all communication..
I can be in a room full of family, or friends etc and still feel so alone, I feel lost and empty all the time.....

2. unstable/intense relationships; idealising and devaluing.
I can love a person without even knowing much about them or trusting them, I have problems staying committed in relationships because I always have to have a second person I can fall back on if the first one goes to crap.. So I get caught.. I can love the crap out of someone, but if they give me any type of criticism I hate them and they're dead to me. I hate my own parents right now, they make me sick. But I'll end up loving them like crazy again next week probably...

3. permanently unstable self-image, identity.
I hate food, It's my enemy. I constantly have to be reassured that I'm not fat, but some days I can look good and feel great, but if my makeup smudges I hate what I look like. If you were to ask me who I am, what kind of a person I am, what makes me happy/sad etc.. I couldn't answer the questions. My personality switches with the group of people I'm with. But yet, I'm still lost and have NO idea what kind of person I am..

4. self-damaging impulsivity; I abuse drugs, uppers. Because they numb me, I've used them since I was 12. I also self harm, I've had 3+ suicide attempts.
Whenever a stressful situation starts happening, my mind turns to drugs and I forget about anything or I cut.

5. recurrent suicidal and self-mutilation; I don't always cut to ease my emotional pain, sometimes when I'm bored I'll cut just because I can. I always think of suicide, I won't act on it but I think of how the world would be so much better without me, and how much I hate society..

6. marked reactivity of mood. I'll have conversations with people about how depressed I am, but after taking a shower be confused as to why I was depressed, and have to explain to them I'm happy and they always think I'm hiding things, but with the drop of a hat I can be happy. It's almost as if theres some type of switch in my head that reacts.

7. chronic feelings of emptiness - This is extremely bad at night or when I'm by myself. I look for reasons to be sad, and I over-think everything and every aspect of it, I'll go into a panic when I'm alone. The whole day when my bf is at work im compulsively googling things, or smoking cigarettes because I try to distract myself because I get depressed because I feel alone and empty, I feel hollow ...

8. inappropriate anger- It's out of nowhere and it's always bad. I ranges from like 20 seconds - god knows how long. I'll have a bad day, and keep my anger in until one little thing happens and I snap and throw temper tantrums like a two year old... Usally violent.. I break things..

9. paranoid ideation/dissociation - Since I was a kid I'd check every inch of my bedroom a murderer could hide because I think I'm going to get killed in my sleep. I can't even walk down the street without wondering if somebody thinks I look stupid, or if they're going to jump me. I don't walk around at night alone.

Cheers.
Let me know.....

Hey there Midnight,



Well you've just about described me, and I identify with the BPD diagnosis. I'm sure you'll find new insight and a lot of support here at PC.

I also have inappropriate anger, a fleeting and malleable sense of self, dissociation, splitting, abandonment issues, paranoia and overanalyzing, I throw tantrums sometimes, severe and very fast mood swings, lack of integration...My form of self-abuse has been heavy use of drugs and alcohol, and I've never really been suicidal...otherwise, you sound just like me.

Let me just tell you that you're not alone. It's a hard disorder to come to terms with, but recovery is available and possible. Perhaps this could be a good place to start:
www.dbtselfhelp.com
Dbt (dialectical behavioral therapy) has helped me significantly in dealing with my personal struggles with BPD.

I hope you find as much support as you feel you need here. Welcome to our big dysfunctional (but loving) family.

[powertools321]

Welcome to PC. I have BPD and if you look at the requirements for BPD you will find that you fit it. If you look at the web site for The National Alliance of BPD, you will find the criteria for the diagnosis. There are nine symptoms and you need to have five of them in any combination. I don't know if this is good news to you or not but be rest assured there is a treatment for it. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) was designed specifically for those suffering with BPD and has been proven to be very effective. Best wishes.