working on my reactions

I was in a chatroom today on mIRC (12 step meeting).

There is a protocol where you can greet someone (Hi, John D.) when someone introduces themselves to share. Some ppl have said, "Welcome, John D."

So today, I said "Welcome, __________."

And they go, "Don't say welcome. Save that for new ppl."

And I had my old hairtrigger fight or flight, bpd reaction. I almost replied, "SCUSE ME!!!" at them, but did not.

Instead, I logged off.

Then I went on as another name.

I told the leader what happened when she asked me, in private message, to introduce myself again.

I said I felt attacked by a member and needed to change my identi name. She did not respond.

later, I realized I might have been manipulative. Indeed, although I had a right to leave if I felt attacked, and even to change my identity, I still should have come back into the room as my original name, or stayed in the room and hashed it out with them room after the meeting.

Instead, I left and changed my name. A very manipulative cowardly way to be.

I hope next time I feel this way I can stay in the room or log back on as my original name.

I never learned assertiveness and Ani told me to be patient and try again next time. Along with that "Look what you made me do" attitude, I had felt attacked by that woman's response to "don't say welcome". She may have been standing up for herself, but to me, it did feel like a scolding/attack. I had not meant to do anything wrong. Again, I had felt as though "no matter what I do, someone always gets angry at me."

anyway, I still could have behaved much worse. I could have attacked her.

I did not.

Carol

What? "no matter what I do, someone always gets angry at me."

This is the story of my life, B.

I don't think you're a coward, sounds like you're just figuring yourself out. Looking at yourself (even retrospectively) is brave.

Agree with Strat. I suppose you could have used an "I statement", when you did ______, I felt _______. But I think you handled it probably the best you could for right now, it's a journey, give yourself time and credit for the improvements you have made. Got to say it's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there that thinks that way.