[Scorpio Eyes]

Because my cellphone is made of ********, I lost my post before I could finish or post it. So, here's the laconic.

I'm exhausted. Just constantly tired and sore. My back, shoulders, neck, joints: they're all sore and they all just make me more tired. The tiredness is killing me. It's keeping me from living and that destroys me inside. I've got an interview later today, but I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it. They got me at the last minute and I didn't get a chance to shave or get a haircut. My other one is in a week, so I had time. Thought I did, until I got a call the night before last. Stubble on my face and a broom on my head. It doesn't matter. I don't know if I'll get the job and even if I do, I'll not be strong enough to do it. So, my life is just disappointment after disappointment.

This constant haze and continual struggle of terror and pain just keeps tearing 9 everything I've built. My friends and loved ones are gone. Some of it - a lot of it... most of it - is my fault. The girl, my best friend - brother I called him, my best friends of the past two years, so many of my close friends - mentors and protectorates: all gone. I loved them. She and I were close, almost inseperable, even if we fought constantly: I pushed her away, pulled her close. Couldn't stand the heartache of her away or her too close. I understand why she's gone and I know I can't do anything about it. My best friend and I grew apart. It happens. I've been gone for three years and us not being close is normal. It still hurts. I want my big brother back. My two other closest friends are gone, too. One I'm still friends with, the other I'm better off without. My buddy left for the Navy. I'm proud of him, but I still feel hurt and alone. The other felt I didn't respect him and that I was too needy. He's a sociopath and I have DPD traits. Our last fight was because I refused to adhere to his advice. Which, like everything he said I ought to do, was immoral and illegal. I don't care how emotionally hurt and sexually frustrated I am, I'm not taking advantage of someone, three years younger than me - mind you, just because she's enamored with me. That's wrong. Which makes me a bad friend. I'm better off without him. I feel alone because these people were close to me and are all gone. My mentors don't speak to me, anymore. They're either all busy or just disappeared. I don't even know at this point. My protectorate, my wards, they all became disillusionned with my weakness, selfishness, and failures. My little girl, I was like a father figure to her, and I fell off her pedastal because I wasn't able to save her - to stay strong myself. They're all gone. The only one I blame is myself. This vision myoping self-hatred that I can't escape from is defeating everything I've worked for. All of my suffering and all the love I've felt.

The last thing she asked for was a shirt that smelled like me. I gave her my favorite shirt, that I'd had for six years. After a fight we had, she threw out every gift I'd given her - said she didn't want momentos of heartbreak. I still have everything she gave me. I'm so sorry...

All I know is that I've hurt these people far too much. I resolved to leave them alone and just suffer alone. They'll never know how terrible I feel about what happened and I'll never havep them back. Because I was weak. Now I spend every day terrified of myself, what I can do, and what'll happen if I lose control again. I spend every day filled with resentment and bitterness towards everyone.

My God, my God, why have I forsaken You?

[cat333]

Hi Scorpio Eyes,

I just want to say that I have scared many people away myself. I don't really have any friends and my family keeps me at a distance. It really hurts when you are the best person you can be and its never good enough. I just want to tell you that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. We all forsake God, but He is able and willing to forgive us if we just ask Him. Take care...cat

[Scorpio Eyes]

Today I voted, went to my interview, and picked up some Hardee's. Because my life is ****ing thrilling. Watching Criminal Minds to keep my mind on something nicer than my problems. Serial killers are a step up from the black hole in my heart. I'm afraid of losing control of my anger. Losing my grasp on reality. Losing what little reality I have with my personality. Still not sure who the HELL I am. I'm Agnostic, but I used to pray at least a few times a week. Once a month maybe. I don't have a damn clue. God... I don't deserve a God. I'm a failure and a coward. Yeah, days and nights of fear and anger. A daze of hate for a knight of suffering. Yes, I stole that - I have no creativity. I fear and hate myself becaus e I know I'm a monster. A loser. A failure. A traitor.

I doubt I got the job because my leg wouldn't stop shaking and I couldn't even fake confidence. Even when I tried showing off my Spanish, I choked. Maldita sea, soy un idiota! No es ningún misterio porqué mi familia cree que soy un fracaso. Yeah, I'm a failure. I used to try and identify with these idiotically abstract concepts and ideals, trying to give myself some meaning and an identity. I'm not a demon, a samurai, a knight, a hero, nothing. I'm no Jedi. Hell, I failed my trials. Courage, skill, flesh, spirit, and insight. I failed all of them. They put me in remedial classes. I haven't spoken to any mentors in months. According to tradition I'm either expelled or forced to retake the trials; I guess I'm on probation. Courage is confronting great odds and overcoming it; I gave into despair. Flesh is overcoming physical hardship and emotional seperation; I was desperate and overwhelmed. Skill is doing the impossible - being more than you thought; I collapsed, exhausted and afraid. Spirit is facing yourself in the mirror and overcoming your flaws: I ran away. Insight is understanding the truth of things; I was blind, willfully so. I'm a failure through no fault of anyone but me.

Now I'm just angry. I'm always angry. She left me. Why was it so ****ing easy for her?! Why?! I can't stand living without her and she doesn't give a damn! Puta. They all left me and it was just so ****ing easy for them! Am I the only one that cares?! I make mistakes! I'm only human! I thought friends supported each other through thick and thin - for better or for worse! I guess I'm just wrong, as usual. I'm lonely and scared. I can't do this on my ****ing own! Why does no one care?! I don't want to be alone.

Cat...I wish we could fix this.

Hope things get better soon, Scorpio-- you may have made mistakes, we all have, but you don't deserve to put yourself through hell for them again and again.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I don't know how to say it.

I empathize.

I am struggling, too, with a lot of self-battering.

Carol

[cat333]

Originally Posted by Scorpio Eyes

Today I voted, went to my interview, and picked up some Hardee's. Because my life is ****ing thrilling. Watching Criminal Minds to keep my mind on something nicer than my problems. Serial killers are a step up from the black hole in my heart. I'm afraid of losing control of my anger. Losing my grasp on reality. Losing what little reality I have with my personality. Still not sure who the HELL I am. I'm Agnostic, but I used to pray at least a few times a week. Once a month maybe. I don't have a damn clue. God... I don't deserve a God. I'm a failure and a coward. Yeah, days and nights of fear and anger. A daze of hate for a knight of suffering. Yes, I stole that - I have no creativity. I fear and hate myself becaus e I know I'm a monster. A loser. A failure. A traitor.

I doubt I got the job because my leg wouldn't stop shaking and I couldn't even fake confidence. Even when I tried showing off my Spanish, I choked. Maldita sea, soy un idiota! No es ningún misterio porqué mi familia cree que soy un fracaso. Yeah, I'm a failure. I used to try and identify with these idiotically abstract concepts and ideals, trying to give myself some meaning and an identity. I'm not a demon, a samurai, a knight, a hero, nothing. I'm no Jedi. Hell, I failed my trials. Courage, skill, flesh, spirit, and insight. I failed all of them. They put me in remedial classes. I haven't spoken to any mentors in months. According to tradition I'm either expelled or forced to retake the trials; I guess I'm on probation. Courage is confronting great odds and overcoming it; I gave into despair. Flesh is overcoming physical hardship and emotional seperation; I was desperate and overwhelmed. Skill is doing the impossible - being more than you thought; I collapsed, exhausted and afraid. Spirit is facing yourself in the mirror and overcoming your flaws: I ran away. Insight is understanding the truth of things; I was blind, willfully so. I'm a failure through no fault of anyone but me.

Now I'm just angry. I'm always angry. She left me. Why was it so ****ing easy for her?! Why?! I can't stand living without her and she doesn't give a damn! Puta. They all left me and it was just so ****ing easy for them! Am I the only one that cares?! I make mistakes! I'm only human! I thought friends supported each other through thick and thin - for better or for worse! I guess I'm just wrong, as usual. I'm lonely and scared. I can't do this on my ****ing own! Why does no one care?! I don't want to be alone.

Cat...I wish we could fix this.

Hi Scorpio, You are definitely having a difficult time right now. I do understand some of the things you are saying and I am sorry you are suffering so much. It really seems like you maybe feel that the world is closing in around you, but I can promise you that there can be brighter days ahead.

First, I want you to know that you are not a monster. Yes, we all fail and that is part of life. You said it yourself, you are human and, yes, you are allowed to make mistakes.

It is nearly impossible to demonstrate self-confidence when you are hurting so much and so scared. Give yourself some credit for having had the courage to even go to an interview with all that you have going on inside you right now. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I do understand the pain of abandonment and loneliness. It really hurts. When people walk away it is because they lack courage, skill, flesh, spirit, and insight too. They just deal with it in a different way than we do. They run away when we fight for what we want.

Please just step back and take a deep breath and know that you have everything you need to get through this. God has given you everything you need to survive this crazy world. Maybe you can try praying again and ask Him for help.

Feel free to email me privately if you would like…any time. You are not alone…please know this. Hang in there, okay? Cat