[adam_k]

Recently my cousin fell on hard times and I let him move in with me and my wife. I used to hang out with him a lot when we were kids. He is 4 years younger than me. I'm 27 and he is 23. At first it was everything was ok. We told him originally it would he a short term thing. A few weeks after he moved in, I had a blow up in my marriage, unreleated to him. Me and my wife are working on fixing things. I was going to move out and get an appartment with him, but me and my wife decided to try and work things out. He eneded up staying about two months. After he lost his job, it started to annoy my wife that he was home all the time. She started to ride him about everything. He didn't bother me too much other than he went behind my back with one thing and I told him it pissed me off, he alpologized and I got over it. He moved out and ther was some tension between everyone near the time he moved out.

One thing he said upset me. When he was backing his stuff up and he came to talk to me and told me he was moving out. He said he is going to work on getting his life together and then he told me to have a nice life. I original didn't read to much into it, but after a little bit I started to feel rejected. I helped him out, and tried to be decent to him. Then it felt like he took me for granted and told me to screw off. Maybe I am reading to much into it. But I went from liking/ maybe slighty annoyed to almost hating the guy. Over a sentence. He hasn't called me or anything, afterwards. I don't like that my opinion changed so much. Am I reading to much into it, or was that a crappy thing to say to someone that helped you out?

Originally Posted by adam_k

Recently my cousin fell on hard times and I let him move in with me and my wife. I used to hang out with him a lot when we were kids. He is 4 years younger than me. I'm 27 and he is 23. At first it was everything was ok. We told him originally it would he a short term thing. A few weeks after he moved in, I had a blow up in my marriage, unreleated to him. Me and my wife are working on fixing things. I was going to move out and get an appartment with him, but me and my wife decided to try and work things out. He eneded up staying about two months. After he lost his job, it started to annoy my wife that he was home all the time. She started to ride him about everything. He didn't bother me too much other than he went behind my back with one thing and I told him it pissed me off, he alpologized and I got over it. He moved out and ther was some tension between everyone near the time he moved out.

One thing he said upset me. When he was backing his stuff up and he came to talk to me and told me he was moving out. He said he is going to work on getting his life together and then he told me to have a nice life. I original didn't read to much into it, but after a little bit I started to feel rejected. I helped him out, and tried to be decent to him. Then it felt like he took me for granted and told me to screw off. Maybe I am reading to much into it. But I went from liking/ maybe slighty annoyed to almost hating the guy. Over a sentence. He hasn't called me or anything, afterwards. I don't like that my opinion changed so much. Am I reading to much into it, or was that a crappy thing to say to someone that helped you out?

It is a crappy thing to say to someone, however, you are also showing a classic sign of BPD. It's part of that black and white mentality and is called splitting. One minute we feel the world for someone and the next minute we hate them and never want to see them again. I did this to my best friend and lost her friendship due to it. I don't really know what to tell you. We have a tendancy of misinterpreting others actions/statements to be against us....but that doesn't mean you are. It's hard to tell.

[Trippin2.0]

I am not the best judge (being borderline myself) but IMHO that was a d.i.c.k move on his part. To me that's like the mother of all middle fingers politely in your face!

What a douche!

[adam_k]

That is what I thought. I mean I have genuine reasons not to like him. It felt like took me and my wife for granted. He ate our food, used as his taxi service to get back and fourth to work. He paid us, but it was inconvenient. I felt taken for granted. His comment uspset me more that I would like to admit. Right now I could care less if I ever see him again.

[Luctor]

Originally Posted by adam_k

That is what I thought. I mean I have genuine reasons not to like him. It felt like took me and my wife for granted. He ate our food, used as his taxi service to get back and fourth to work. He paid us, but it was inconvenient. I felt taken for granted. His comment uspset me more that I would like to admit. Right now I could care less if I ever see him again.

I think there are times where we can write off certain emotions to being BPD, but there also times where those feelings are warranted. And from what you've said, I think your feelings are justified.

[LovelaceF]

It sounds like your cousin is angry or upset with you and/or your wife. Maybe his feelings are hurt over something that happened during tense times with you? I don't know what caused him to decide to move out abruptly, but it sounds like he might have been telling you to have a nice life because he isn't planning to talk to you again in the near future.

[Fuzzybear]

It is a crappy thing to say to someone.. And a former T said that to me. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

Originally Posted by adam_k

Recently my cousin fell on hard times and I let him move in with me and my wife. I used to hang out with him a lot when we were kids. He is 4 years younger than me. I'm 27 and he is 23. At first it was everything was ok. We told him originally it would he a short term thing. A few weeks after he moved in, I had a blow up in my marriage, unreleated to him. Me and my wife are working on fixing things. I was going to move out and get an appartment with him, but me and my wife decided to try and work things out. He eneded up staying about two months. After he lost his job, it started to annoy my wife that he was home all the time. She started to ride him about everything. He didn't bother me too much other than he went behind my back with one thing and I told him it pissed me off, he alpologized and I got over it. He moved out and ther was some tension between everyone near the time he moved out.

One thing he said upset me. When he was backing his stuff up and he came to talk to me and told me he was moving out. He said he is going to work on getting his life together and then he told me to have a nice life. I original didn't read to much into it, but after a little bit I started to feel rejected. I helped him out, and tried to be decent to him. Then it felt like he took me for granted and told me to screw off. Maybe I am reading to much into it. But I went from liking/ maybe slighty annoyed to almost hating the guy. Over a sentence. He hasn't called me or anything, afterwards. I don't like that my opinion changed so much. Am I reading to much into it, or was that a crappy thing to say to someone that helped you out?

[Fuzzybear]

......

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I am not the best judge (being borderline myself) but IMHO that was a d.i.c.k move on his part. To me that's like the mother of all middle fingers politely in your face!

What a douche!

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

It sounds like your cousin is angry or upset with you and/or your wife. Maybe his feelings are hurt over something that happened during tense times with you? I don't know what caused him to decide to move out abruptly, but it sounds like he might have been telling you to have a nice life because he isn't planning to talk to you again in the near future.

I think my wife was rattling his nerves. She was on his case about everything. Not that it was unwarranted. He acts like a teenager and we never aggreed to be his parents. I was ok with him and I think I would have got over him going behind my back. Just after that comment a switch was flipped and no I never want to talk to him again.

[LovelaceF]

I would just let this go. He's your cousin. You got along well enough before this to invite him to live with you. That alone should warrant a second chance.

Also, he might have been saying this because he doesn't want to see your WIFE again, and it might have nothing to do with you personally.

I know it sucks when someone appears unappreciative of the kindnesses that you give. Maybe you two could have a chat about it sometime when your wife is not around and get his side of the story before just cutting him off completely.

[avlady]

People say stupid things when everything is changing, as in his case he had to move out. Maybe he didn't undertand why, but that was just the way he always treated your wife, some people never change, even if they should. maybe you helped him in the longrun by making him live on his own, something he wasn't ready for, but just had to be done and he took it out on you.

[adam_k]

I think you are right. Inwas talking to my T last week and we talked about why I put others needs before my own and where I learned it from. She says that is a common theme in dysfunctional families with addictions. You have the addict who is constantly messing up and then you have the person that is picking up the pieces and putting thier life back together at the expense of thier own needs. That makes the person feel useful and needed giving them self worth. Then she said that when people quit doing that they usually are better able to take care of thier own needs. The addict gets worse and spirals towards rock bottom until they pick themselvess up. She said in the long run that is better for everyone, but in the short term it is very difficult. Especially for the addict. I don't think my cousin is a drug addict, but he certainly doesn't know how to take care of himself.

I dont feel too bad over the situation. My wife is much happier now that he is gone, and she is a positive force in my life. I usually think about her when I get impulses to do self destructive things and that helps curb things. I do spend money recklessly sometimes still, but I don't speed and drive fast anymore. I welded harmed a few times recently, after 8 years of not doing it, but when I did do it, I tried to limit how much. I think all things considered having her in my life is better than not, despite our problems.

I think that he basically spit in your face, tbh. I agree with Mara that your bpd may be affecting this by making your feelings more intense than other people's feelings would be but it doesn't negate the fact that "have a nice life" is kind of a write off statement no matter how you look at it. Idk if it's as bad as saying eff off but it is like "see ya" in a way that is kind of shutting the door to someone in the sense that you don't expect to see or hear from them again. I don't see how it can be taken any other way honestly.

ON top of that, he hasn't even spoken to you since. A true friend, that remains a friend especially after someone has taken care of you in your time of need would feel at the very least, obligated to say hi and keep in touch. At least to let the friend/cousin/related counterpart know how you're doing. It seems clear to me that he's taken advantage and now that he no longer has a need, doesn't want anything more from you. Another slap in the face.

Don't let it bring you down, you did a good thing and it will come back to you somehow. I agree with letting it go, but definitely notbecause he's your cousin. Blood means nothing IMO.

[adam_k]

I would agree. My family has taken advantage of me a lot. And I don't get much in return. I pretty much gave up on my family. They aren't really there for me unless I have something they need. When I stoped "lending" them money a lot of them quit calling me. When I say no to something even with just cause they tend to get angry and don't talk to me.

I think my mom is the only one that genuinly would try to help me, but I have issues with her too. When my parents got divorced she worked all the time and I didn't see her much. She also didn't show much emmotions towards me. On top of that knowing that she cheated on my father and I am the result of an accident doesn't make my life any easier. I don't think I love her really. I mean im not a jerk and I say I do, but I don't feel it. It seems to be too late for her to take an interest in my life. On top of that I can't remember the last person that called me to see how I am doing. My phone number hasn't changed in 10 years and my families knows I have depression. I feel used and taken for granted by most of them. I guess it is a good thing they don't call me.