[BrokenNBeautiful]

I should have said this on my thread about recovering and I forgot.

Since I am recovering from some of my symptoms and also from my agoraphobia, I have not been on PC as much.

It's 10:30pm PST and I finally got around to it.

I am so overwhelmed. I am going to a new 12 step meeting; have to go clear across town to get to it, but it's much better for me than the local ones I was at last summer, which were not very warm and contained much toxicity and dysfunction. At this meeting, I am being treated with respect.

That's good news.

So I come home later and do not have time to go online.

So I am sorry if I don't appear very supportive or present sometimes.

I may not respond to all the posts or even post some days.

Its not cause I am indifferent.

I have come to care about all of you.

But I think my "face to face" life is starting now.

I did online a lot because of my agoraphobia.

I will still come on here, but not as often.

Also,my computer is getting very old and more and more sites are not supported by my browser.

I am running into so much frustration.

The difference is that I am learning how to cope better.

I gave a woman a 90 day chip for sobriety yesterday and led a meeting today.

Had my first pdoc appt and I am not sure about him yet; he wants me to go back on Seroquel and I am so scared of that drug; I had scary side effects from it last year---breathing probl and swallowing probl.

I will tell him next time I see him. He said he is willing to try me on other things.

Andy called (former bf, now friend) and I told him we could be friends and hang out again, but not sleep together. He's been good support lately and so has my other friend Ani.

Bruce is getting so out of it; he's sixty something now; his memory is going.

I better learn to deal. I'm all I have now.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

oh, and I am going to the dentist AGAIN next week, after an ordeal of dental work all year long, except for a hiatus May-November. I think I have another cavity. d it!

[msjanalyn]

Sounds like you are doing fantastic! Some people that go to 12 step meetings and don't have good experiences just don't go back. I don't know your history but geeze - finding another meeting, giving a 90 day medallion and chairing a meeting - setting boundries with with your former boyfriend - you are doing everything right. Keep up the good work. - Jana

Don't worry about PC...we'll see you when we see you. Your real life and getting out is much more important and it sounds like you've come a very long way in a fairly short amount of time recently. Keep it up, go on with your real life, and don't look back. We'll always be here when you can return.

[ECHOES]

Wow! You gave a sobriety chip and led a meeting! I think that is absolutely wonderful!!

It is terrific that you are getting clear across town to the meeting, and that you really like this group. That feels so nice. I'm happy for you that you found them!

You are really working on big and important things, taking care of you. You are learning to deal, and so well too.

Are you feeling more independent and self-reliant? It sounds like you are making great strides!

Come when you are feeling like it and we're happy when you do. And know that we are thinking fondly of you while you are creating a wonderful life for yourself.



.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I went thru something weird yesterday.

Although it's good for me to take breaks, I did not go to the meeting yesterday. Ani will not allow me to run away again, but I am having fears of commitment again. I am afraid that I am getting involved too much again.

I am so scared of this bpd. I still don't know what "normal" is. I plan to go today to the meeting. I don't want to overvalue it or devalue it. I don't want to use it to devalue the meetings in my local area or my local area itself.

I don't want to get compulsive. or impulsive.

I think I really did need a break yesterday.

But the fear is creeping back.

I think the bpd has a similar voice to that of an addict, "Carol, come back. You know you want it. I've been your friend forever. Come back; don't recover..."

I thought I'd check in.

I still need you guys.

I just hope not too much. lol

Carol

[ECHOES]

I am afraid that I am getting involved too much again.

I'm curious about what you mean by this.
What is 'too involved' and what is the fear about, do you think?

It sounds similar to what my therapist and I talk about often, the fear of being 'taken over' and of losing who I am. The fear that I will end up being devalued and diminished.
How to find a some place along that line from isolated to engaged is a challenge.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I'm curious about what you mean by this.
What is 'too involved' and what is the fear about, do you think?

the fear of being 'taken over' and of losing who I am. The fear that I will end up being devalued and diminished.

that's a big part of it, for me. I am terrified of being criticised and not being able to stand it. Or of failing and as usual, not being able to stand myself or what I did. I am scared of taking over or being taken over; losing my power or taking away someone elses. Scared, too, deathly scared of being found out as "the worthless awful person I fear I am".

Carol