I've done this so many times and I really hate myself for it, and I know I'll probably feel completely different by morning, but I'm having a really, really bad night. I hate nights.

I want to feel as though someone in my household understands, I want to feel in control and that I don't have to depend on others to regulate my emotions, I want to feel as though I have a self respect that is genuine and won't be present one minute and totally gone the next, and I want to stop feeling so lonely and worthless and just not worth anything. A stranger in a strange land so far from home. I want to stop allowing old feelings of abandonment and betrayal take over and for flashbacks of old wrongdoings rule the day.

When I get this way, I become useless at home. I isolate myself from others. I don't know why. It just seems like the thing to do. And then my husband states "if you keep isolating yourself from others and wanting to be alone, one of these days, you're going to discover that's it's come true." Like that statement is going to help my self-esteem and feelings of abandonment and being alone. Self-fullfiling prophesy indeed.

I know it's a momentary feeling, I know it will pass, it always does, but when it hits, it's completely all-consuming, so self-damming, and it just feels like it will never go away....and as hard as I try, it always returns. I give others advice and I don't think I'm that bad at it and the advice is genuine and from the heart, but way too often, I don't feel as though I can help myself.....

and how are you today.....?

i had quite a bad night yesterday too- just felt lonelier than usual, and my racing thoughts would just not stop no matter what i did.

seems strange we always seem to be worse at nights... i wonder why that is?

[AngelWolf3]

I have noticed I feel crappy at night too? Could it be the stress of the day, and finally you are at home, and 'resting' and your mind gets time to just start focusing on all the stuff you ignore while you are at work? I don't know, just an idea.

I hate it when people use that line. (the one about being alone.) It's not helpful at all and at least in my case, makes me feel like I am worth even less and deserve to be alone!

I hope you are feeling better today?

I can't really "think" all day long. The bulk of my thinking has to be focused on my work. My work is mindnumbing. It gets to the point that I can't do anything but listen, and I'm doing it 50+ hours a week. During the day, there's people to talk to, you can socialize, light gives endorphins that help.

At night, the people are gone, the work is finished, all the thinking you couldn't do all day long comes rushing back, I feel lonely. At least that's how it works for me. But, to be honest, so far, I don't feel that much better today. I guess it was wishful thinking. Just hope it stops soon...

[gabmux]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I can't really "think" all day long. The bulk of my thinking has to be focused on my work. My work is mindnumbing. It gets to the point that I can't do anything but listen, and I'm doing it 50+ hours a week. During the day, there's people to talk to, you can socialize, light gives endorphins that help.

At night, the people are gone, the work is finished, all the thinking you couldn't do all day long comes rushing back, I feel lonely. At least that's how it works for me. But, to be honest, so far, I don't feel that much better today. I guess it was wishful thinking. Just hope it stops soon...

Your number of posts says 999.
Happy 1000 posts!
Cheer up

Originally Posted by gabmux

Your number of posts says 999.
Happy 1000 posts!
Cheer up

you do have a point.... at night their is less distraction- that is probably a lot to do with it

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I hate nights.

"if you keep isolating yourself from others and wanting to be alone, one of these days, you're going to discover that's it's come true."

I know it's a momentary feeling, I know it will pass, it always does, but when it hits, it's completely all-consuming, so self-damming, and it just feels like it will never go away....and as hard as I try, it always returns. I give others advice and I don't think I'm that bad at it and the advice is genuine and from the heart, but way too often, I don't feel as though I can help myself.....

I hate nights, too. My obsessions and my guilt/shame and my racing thoughts take over. I am not working, either (at night); I have to force myself to lie down in bed or I will get very very tired and then sick again.

Also, several ppl I trusted told me that I would end up alone if I continued to practice isolation. For me, coming out of my shell is a slow process; so much baggage for me to deal with and so much self-talk that is so destructive. I will tell you what Ani told me: "Keep imagining yourself going forward and NEVER EVER give up!" I believe in you, Mara, the way Ani believes in me.

And it's easier to give others advice than it is to follow it. I know.

Carol

[gabmux]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I give others advice and I don't think I'm that bad at it and the advice is genuine and from the heart, but way too often, I don't feel as though I can help myself.....

Sometimes....."We teach best what we need to learn."??