[Scorpio Eyes]

Well, this is less of a rant, more of a very long stream of consciousness. So, bear with me or just move to something a fair bit more captivating. My feelings won't be damaged. Yesterday I had my treatment planning with my DBT. Miswrote the time in my journal and ended up thinking the appointment was an hour later than it was. Instead of a half hour early - I was a half hour late. Crap. Maybe it's just the Borderline paranoia, but I don't think he likes or respects me. He seems to think I'm intelligent, but he says it in a way I get a really uneasy feeling from. I did my homework on BPD and various other things. That doesn't make me special. Hell, I can't be the only person who works like this. I'm polite, cooperative, and fairly calm. When you're dead inside, it's easy to be calm.

"Listen, I'm not as smart as you think I am."
"I seriously doubt that."
"..."

He also described me as a "Textbook" Borderline, which made me laugh. My whole life, I've been so far on the edge. Too smart, too eccentric, too one thing or another. Now I'm just perfectly average. He retorted to that observation by calling me an "Expert". Whatever the Hell that means. Sounds like a subtle way of saying I'm an expert at being completely out of my mind. Which isn't unwarranted, but we can at least be upfront about it. Like gentleman. Waiting for my schedule to solidify before I make anymore appointments and the psychiatrist in his office is suppose to be giving me a call for sometime next week.

I thought my orientation was Friday. Turns out, one of my tests hadn't gone through and I ended up going... at a time not designated for my arrival. So, that was extremely embarressing. Now they said I'd get a call after my drug test came through. Why it's taking so long, I don't know. I am under the influence of nothing illegal. There's some paranoia I'm doing my best to push to the side, right now. Mostly involving "Did I make such an *** out of myself they're retracting my job offer?" "Did I get the call for my next orientation and Verizon just not sent it through or my phone not recieved it?" "Did something that come up that made them change their mind?" "Am I just being hyper paranoid and I'll get the call in a day or so. Sometime this week." I need this job. I'm in the hole sixty thousand dollars, being sued for two thousand, and I owe about one thousand to about four people - commutitivly. I don't have any insurance at the end of the month and avoiding these thoughts, completely, is how I deal with that.

The therapist told me that the reason I spend so much of my time avoiding people, thoughts, other such things, and giving into my impulsive behavior is due to the truly horrendous anxiety I feel and how it rules my life. Stemming from an extreme absence of identity and the damages with and inability to maintain relationships with others. Existing in a state of denial - refusing to acknowledge these emotions, lest I become utterly overwhelmed by them - is the only way I know how to live. For the most part, I consider myself fairly self aware. However, my intelligence and my emotionalism exist on different wavelengths. Just because I know something intellectually does not mean I can accept it's reality; whether or not I can come to terms with something and understand it emotionally, the confusion on it's factuality will continue. When I'm overrun by the impulses and lost in that hurricane of emotion; discerning reality becomes far more difficult. My own self-awareness is negligable to the point it warrants a mention only to state how utterly warped it becomes. This soul crushing anxiety, fear, and the stew of feelings that stem from and into it are really something indescribable.

Our conclusion on the four primary symptoms and which half I suffer from most, of course, falls into loss of identity - the affective instability resulting, and the chaotic interpersonal relationships. Now, lately, I've been depersonalizing and derealizing even more, to cope with my own grief. To be frank, I'm disappointed. In myself and in the universe. It's to the point where I'm questioning my faith in any dietic entity. This world just never fails to let me down. I give it my all and I am paid, in turn, with nothing at best and extruciating pain, as per the norm. I tried to be evil. My conscience keeps me from doing that. I tried being good and I am just too damned flawed. For a long time, this world has been black and white to me. There is good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness. Lately, these lines are blurring so much it just doesn't sit well with me. I live and I hurt. I grow and I hurt more, each passing day. I hate and I hurt so much it kills me. I love and I hurt worse than I ever thought any human being was capable of hurting. I resolve to fight and I hurt in the face of constant opposition. I attempt to retire from this fruitless conflict and I hurt as recompense. My entire life revolves around pain. What God - be He as omniamorous as I was promised - would allow such suffering? Misery builds character and suffering is, indeed, good for the soul. I fully believe that. But just like with physical pain, you need time to heal - so the muscles, bones, and nerves can strengthen. Just beating the ever loving Hell out of my spirit, begging me to break, isn't making me grow anymore. I need time to heal. I need someone to heal me. I need a chance to sit down and just come to grips with all of this. I've seen too much in my life not to believe in God and to even consider something of the sort reasonable. After everything, I need to believe that there's a reason - that all of this horrible pain I've seen - in my life and in those of others - will mean something. I've seen enough to know it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I think we're all already dead. Yeah, sometimes I think Hell is just another word for Planet Earth. There is no place in my imagination worse than this world of ours.

The resolution my therapist presented to me was trying to find a medium. To achieve a semblance of balance within all this - to organize the chaos and get my system working to a point that I can function in society. He said that my mind, being what it is, processes things so fast that the rest of me can't keep up. So quickly and haphazardly that I can't retain it. Which causes me anxiety. There's the fact I'm constantly seeking distraction and to ease my mind and spirit, because there is simply so much going on up there that I can't relax. Kinda why I've been playing Soul Calibur III for two days. I think I've made it to four hundred twenty something odd matches at this point. Need two hundred more. That keeps my mind busy and away from things that drive me crazy. Now, as much as I understand this, I can't honesty think of a way to deal with. The bastard tricked me into some Socratically generated solutions and explanations, but on my own, I can't focus long enough. That and I don't have the emotional fortitude to follow through, even if I could concentrate. There's a difference being understanding the proper course of action one needs take and being able to successfully execute said plan. They keep telling me,

"You're only human, Johnny."

I beg to differ. It's been a long time since I've felt like a person. To even feel like I deserve a breath within this world, I have to act superhuman. To do things that no one can realistically expect or should feel entitled to. I need to act greater than anyone else to even feel like my life has value. It's been months since I've been able to do anything productive. My friends say I do more than I realize, but I guess that goes with the statement. I'm not human. To be honest, I'm something much, much less. For ages, I've ached to be something more, but life has a funny way of denying me the things that I desire.

My connection to reality is something else I've been questioning lately. The more I think about my relationships with a number of people, the more I'm realizing just how wrong I've been. The people I believed them to be... never really existed. I'd built them up in my mind as more or less than they really were. The girl, my best friends, my father. None of these perspectives are real. None of those relationships were real. They're all gone and I suppose it's just. This is mental acknowledgement, not emotional. Accepting that up to eight years of my life was all a massive lie is a bit much for me. Understanding that I am nothing I thought I was is also difficult. Whomever it is I am, I'm still searching for. What I've discovered this year - I don't care for. Finding out I'm Borderline at least makes it easier, in some small ways. The guilt and self-hatred haven't faded, I've just become used to them and pushed them in the repression pool with everything else. Knowing that at least some of it wasn't completely my fault helps alleviate some of the blame. I'm a really bad person. To quote the dying words of the final villain in my favorite story;

"Now, as the darkness takes me... I am nothing."

[BrokenNBeautiful]

You are writing my story, man.

I am so burdened down by my own self-consciousness about my own human condition and my bpd condition.

Also, the fast thoughts in my own head.

Can't relax. Can't get a decent night's sleep.

Feeling like I simply am never good enough.

Or feeling like I have to prove myself worthy all the time, esp by being more than human.

Feeling so broken down, henceforth my username. I really don't feel so beautiful, actually, but my mentor says I am all the time.

Maybe I do more than I realize, but as a bpd person, I don't feel it. I don't realize it at all.

thanks for this. Your post deserved (in my opinion) more than just thanks.

Carol,

mere fellow person-with-bpd, no one special, who simply needed to relate to this thread.

[gabmux]

Originally Posted by Scorpio Eyes

To be frank, I'm disappointed. In myself and in the universe. It's to the point where I'm questioning my faith in any dietic entity. This world just never fails to let me down. I give it my all and I am paid, in turn, with nothing at best and extruciating pain, as per the norm. I tried to be evil. My conscience keeps me from doing that. I tried being good and I am just too damned flawed. For a long time, this world has been black and white to me. There is good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness. Lately, these lines are blurring so much it just doesn't sit well with me. I live and I hurt. I grow and I hurt more, each passing day. I hate and I hurt so much it kills me. I love and I hurt worse than I ever thought any human being was capable of hurting. I resolve to fight and I hurt in the face of constant opposition. I attempt to retire from this fruitless conflict and I hurt as recompense. My entire life revolves around pain. What God - be He as omniamorous as I was promised - would allow such suffering? Misery builds character and suffering is, indeed, good for the soul. I fully believe that. But just like with physical pain, you need time to heal - so the muscles, bones, and nerves can strengthen. Just beating the ever loving Hell out of my spirit, begging me to break, isn't making me grow anymore. I need time to heal. I need someone to heal me. I need a chance to sit down and just come to grips with all of this. I've seen too much in my life not to believe in God and to even consider something of the sort reasonable. After everything, I need to believe that there's a reason - that all of this horrible pain I've seen - in my life and in those of others - will mean something. I've seen enough to know it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I think we're all already dead. Yeah, sometimes I think Hell is just another word for Planet Earth. There is no place in my imagination worse than this world of ours.

I've read this post three times. Thank you for writing it.
I hope that it helped U to write it down as much as it helped me to read it.
If I had even a fraction of your talent with words, perhaps I would be able to describe how much I appreciate this post.

[Scorpio Eyes]

Broken, I'm sorry I didn't respond right away... I was waiting for more responses. That didn't come until a month later. But, thank you. I needed that.
Gab, thank you for reminding me this thread existed. I tend to forget. Quickly. I'm not as great as you think... please, don't say things like that. It makes me uncomfortable. It feeds my ego and my sense of imperfection, both. But, thank you.

Thanks, both of you. I've been having it rough, lately. It means a lot to me.

[gabmux]

Originally Posted by Scorpio Eyes

I'm not as great as you think... please, don't say things like that. It makes me uncomfortable. It feeds my ego and my sense of imperfection, both. But, thank you.

I understand that completely. Thank you for your honesty. I do apologize.