Got to back away....again.

I wrote this late last night on another thread:
Had a good week or two.....slid some today. Actually, a lot today. I'm in a quandary. Sometimes PC makes me feel better, yet sometimes it doesn't. I'm too empathetic and hearing everyone's problems start hurting me after a while. Same thing with the loneliness. Sometimes PC makes me feel like I'm not alone, there are people who share my issues, while at other times, it makes me feel isolated from the "real" world. I want just one or two "real" friends. Is that too much to ask for? I have an addictive personality. Spending vast quantities of time on PC makes me feel more and more alone....but how do I break away? How do I set boundaries? Can anyone help me with this?

It's time for me to back away again. I've given all I can for now. I don't want anyone to be angry with me....always a worry. I hate the thought of people being angry with me. I wish I had confidence in myself...just a little. I'll be around, I'll check PMs...I may answer them. Have to step back...gather myself together, pull away. Feel free to send words of encouragement if you wish... I just need to go... Constant push/pull...can't do it anymore right now...

just take care of yourself Mara.

You are loved. Come or go as you wish. It's okay with me.

Carol

I have fallen in to the abyss...into a great void of depression and loneliness...and I don't know how to dig out...

((((Mara)))) here for you and sending support and hugs. Take care of you. Rest, sleep, reach out, post, do whatever you have to do. I have been there the last episode I had, I actually embraced the feelings and really just let it all out here...what was really at the root of the miserable feelings. It helped me a lot...just putting it all out there. And I felt really supported and validated. And heard. The most impt thing: I felt heard. Finally.

Whatever you need....

This is exactly how I feel at times.

Maranara, What is important is that you take care of yourself, If you need to talk then please feel free to message me

Don't isolate too much Maranara, we care about you.

reaching out and talking about it can take away it's power over us.

I'm trying to reach out, to accept the help of everyone. I don't know how. I feel unworthy of anyone's help, of anyone's compassion, even though I've given it time and again without remorse, with genuine care and feeling. I feel like a pain, a bother for even trying to seek it. Nothing quite like expressing your feelings on a public forum! I've had time off of work. I should be working on accomplishing my goals, and instead I'm wallowing around in self-hatred and pity. I keep having years and years of abuse, injustices, pain, play and replay in my head and I don't know how to make it stop.....

I hate to see that you are going through such a rough time.

If there's anything to help distract you and get you away from yourself (your mind, thoughts, etc.) do it. Listen to music, go for a walk, see a friend, or journal. Journaling is the only thing helping me hold on to a thread of sanity as of lately. However, (I feel like you could relate to this) I often write down my thoughts and then scribble them out thinking "no no no! that's so stupid!" I say that you might relate to this because I think you beat yourself up like I do... Maybe try mindfulness meditation. It gets your mind off the heavy stuff, at least.

Sorry if I rambled.

I get it...

I know you do......

and there aint no stopping it once the urge hits!....

I can never still grasp the opposites....

how love and hate co-exist in the bordeline world...

so massively distinct and complex

I am a fool but a battler Maranara...

it's no mystery I self medicate..

to stay in the middle...

and what an emotional juggle cos my body does not like it much..

I'm always running for my life...but I never know what direction?

...and thats just some of what I'm aware of?...

there is much more going on that makes decisions for me that I have very little control over ...because they are automatic...

borderline emotions are instantaneous and immediately permanent until the next mis-understood feeling arrives...

bummer