[pastoral-poeta]

About ten years ago I was diagnosed with severe depression. Since then I have seen a few counselors and been on antidepressants. Within the last two years, I have been on five different antidepressants with moderate effect. I have also been in a relationship and have lived close to my family in these last two years. I am currently a full time student and everyday I live with a sense of dread and anxiety about all that I have to do. Everything seems tenuous and uncertain, and I walk around anxious and confused and unmotivated about making productive efforts to reach my education goals. Somehow I get through my classes and my work and now I will be graduating soon. And somehow I manage to maintain a relationship even though I feel like I am going to be dumped any minute. I don't feel good about myself. I get angry with my family who never ask me about the most important and constant thing in my life, my education. Often I am confused about what I want to do in life. Although I have an artistic side and have many skills, I feel they are not enough to buoy me through my daily life. My girlfriend tells me I get distant, I get angry for no reason, and I get emotional easily. She tells me too that I seem to be afraid about making a commitment to her and taking actions that would keep us together. In part because of her, I began to look for information about depression, and bipolar disorders and other behavior disorders and just recently I have identified myself with BPD. There are aspects of my behavior that seem passive aggressive. I am down and cynical and pessimistic most of the time. I get unfocused, unable to concentrate, I avoid social situations, I negate myself, and I feel constantly anxious about my relationship. I have never made a suicide attempt but in the worst moments the thought occurs to me. Somehow I have come this far. Everyday I have to remind myself that I can do the things I need to do, and that the way I see the world is really not how it is, that everything will be fine. On Christmas day, ironically, I had an existential crisis. For a day and a half I felt profoundly the meaninglessness of everything. Nothing I ever did or said meant anything. Nothing anybody said or did meant anything. Everything stood alone in sounds, actions and objects with no associations. I began to lose my memory and could not remember names for everyday objects. It took so much effort to hold on when I felt distinctly like I might lose touch with reality at any moment. Since then, a constant sense of anxiety has settled in me. Three weeks of meds and I feel ok, but I know the way I feel is not how I should feel, and how normal people feel. I feel like an invisible person most of the time, and when I talk to people I feel disconnected like signals aren't even crossing. I try to be positive and act counter to what I feel like doing, and try to be more aware of the things I say, and how I talk about my day and experiences. My girlfriend says I am negative most of the time so I work on it. I don't talk about how I feel to my family because they tell will just look at me and shake their heads. Most often I feel like I have no one to talk to, and no one to just listen to me. When I look back on my life, I have done some risky things and what I did sometimes haunts me and I feel guilty. There are also events in my young life I keep returning to like the day my dad left the family, the emotional absence of my mother, her liaison with another man and the very confused situation that created. There was no violence, there were no atrocities, there was no abuse, but sometimes I read stories of victims of trauma and recognize the symptoms described. Whenever I go see the psychiatrist and I describe how I feel and try to find what other meds will help me, I always say, I don't like the way I feel and don't want to feel this way anymore. But day after day, I feel like I am part way of the ground toward feeling really good. There is always something missing. I don't want to mess up school. I feel like it is my saving grace. I want to be aware of my actions in the relationship with my girlfriend. She sees good things in me, and I want to see those good things too. For 8 months I stayed off meds and tried to control my depression through natural supplements and exercise, but apparently that was not helping because the year ended with a breakdown, literally. With meds I not be all the way out of the dark cloud but at least I am not completely miserable. I have been reading information about BPD in hopes that I can better know myself with BPD. I thought I knew who I was, but apparently I don't. But I guess, or I hope that by hitting rock bottom, losing sense of self and losing sense of meaning, and becoming painfully aware of the temporal world, I can recreate and foster a better me.

Welcome to PC and the BPD forum. I hope you find what you're looking for. I think you're off to a good start. If you haven't already done so, read the top of the forum that goes over the description of BPD and see how well you connect. Talk to us and read things on the forum, ask questions as they come up and see how well you connect there as well. Many of us diagnosed ourselves prior to anything "official" and that's okay. In my experience, if you do your research and talk to people and you connect and feel at home, you're probably right.

Drugs do not cure BPD. It is a learned behavior brought on by the way we were raised or were treated. Drugs are sometimes used to take off the edge but they don't solve it.

Good luck in your venture to self-discovery. Be honest with yourself on how you are and you will slowly find what you are searching for.

[BorderlineMess]

Welcome to PC! And to the BPD forum! We're a very supportive and understanding group. This place has become my rock during the storm.

Maranara is full of wisdom, so I definitely agree with everything she said. Take a look at the diagnosis and see how it feels to you. And read what other people have posted. Does it feel like something you would have written or something you've gone through?

BPD is a rollercoaster and one I'm still riding. Best of luck to you in school. I'm going to school and working as well. And the stress of it all can be A LOT. Do lots of things to take care of yourself. Take time for you.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you've been going through all of this. You are definitely not alone here, feel free to post as much or as little as you want.

[TheRealFDeal]

Are you in therapy? You just mentioned a psychiatrist. I'm certainly not in a position to recommend it right now, because I'm in a bad place with my T. But it certainly does seem to work for the majority.

[pastoral-poeta]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

Are you in therapy? You just mentioned a psychiatrist. I'm certainly not in a position to recommend it right now, because I'm in a bad place with my T. But it certainly does seem to work for the majority.

I am looking for a therapist at the moment. I just need someone to talk to who won't laugh at me or make fun of me right now. Its only within the last three months or so that I've diagnosed myself as BPD. I had to read extensively on it to make sure and compare it with other diagnoses. So, to answer your question, no I am not in therapy..

[pastoral-poeta]

Drugs do not cure BPD. It is a learned behavior brought on by the way we were raised or were treated. Drugs are sometimes used to take off the edge but they don't solve it.

I understand completely that it is a learned behavior, but it is the only thing that I can resort to now. I can't tolerate day after day of cynicism, negativity, self-loathing, isolation and lack of energy. I wish I had access to a professional who would help me solve the root problems of my BPD but that takes resources I don't have. I am looking for one however.

[pastoral-poeta]

Take a look at the diagnosis and see how it feels to you. And read what other people have posted. Does it feel like something you would have written or something you've gone through?

I do identify with the diagnosis, and the many others I've read outside this site. It frightens me and comforts me to give name to what seem like a chaotic mix of feelings and impulses and reactions. I even have a love/hate relationship with my school..