Dear All, thank you so much for all the advice I received to my introduction topic.

One was actually posting my problem on the appropriate forum - this one - which I simply couldn't find when I first registered here.

Thank you for the link, stratocaster and sabby! I hope it is not against the rules to re-post my topic here.

So here it goes...

"Dear all. I am posting this topic because I badly need some feedback, opinions, perhaps even help in the form of advice. After decades of denial, I have finally found the strength to face the fact that despite all my efforts, a considerable set of talents and a decent IQ, my life is more or less a disaster.
I am practically dysfunctional and very likely fast approaching an ugly ending.

I have been trying to get help but without any real result. Without a doubt I am getting close to the end of the line so I’m trying to reach out, whichever way I can. So please, bear with me.

First and foremost, I am not a particularly weak person. I am fairly disciplined too and until very recently I have always managed to bounce back from each and every disaster that has happened in my life. I have had some major professional and personal highs as well; real achievements I can be proud of, however, there is nothing left of any of them. As a rule of thumb, nothing ever lasts for me any longer than a few months or a couple of years at best. Everything always ends in drama; bridges burnt, losing face, feeling destroyed and pain - always excruciating emotional pain – feeling that it is the end of the world. No exception.

For some obscure and disturbing reason, I simply cannot stick to anything or anyone. I cannot see things trough, maintain a job, a career path, a degree course, a relationship; basically, because I cannot stick to myself. In fact, it appears that I do not have a self at all.

As far as I can remember - back to a very early age - I have always lived with a constantly present, torturous emptiness, fear, doubt and a sort of overwhelming emotional hunger to become complete somehow. Every choice I have ever made was fueled by this almost hysterical need to become someone I can recognise as me. I was a sucker for various role models and odd as it sounds, I still am. The pattern has always been the same since as far back as I can possibly remember – finding something or someone (interest, role, job, relationship, study path etc.) getting hugely enthusiastic about it, feeling that “this is it” this will be perfect, this is what I really want etc., putting an insane amount of energy into it, grabbing it and clinging to it desperately. Then, sometimes as soon as the same day or within an hour I am awash with panic and strong aversion to the very thing I was raving about just that morning and I feel I MUST get out of it.

When I was younger I did manage to hold onto commitments for months, even for years. Also, I should say that when I find the next “big thing”, the magic does last for a while – or at least it used to - and that is always a wonderful time when I myself appear to be a wonderful person.

However the cracks always start to appear rather soon.

Despite feeling downright claustrophobic about whatever I was involved in, more often than not I used to force myself to push on – well, that’s what “good” people do I understood. I just wanted to be normal. Without an exception, whenever I forced myself to stick with something despite my whole being screaming “no, get out of it!”, some kind of a personal hell opened.
I started to have uncontrollable, recurring thought patterns that sounded as if someone was talking to me in my head, unstoppably, 24/7. I didn’t recognise people I knew (friends, colleagues, family members), I didn’t understand people talking to me – it all sounded like gibberish and somewhat muffled too, as if I was under an invisible glass-bell. I had serious episodes of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t walk, very severe perception of an evil presence, occasional auditory hallucinations, regular nightmares on a massive scale and a frequent feeling that nothing was real at all. I think the scariest bit was the physical sensation of falling combined with being convinced that I am in the grasp of the devil and very worst of it was the overwhelming guilt, shame and simply unbearable, excruciating pain.

I know it sounds terribly irrational. When I’m not in the middle of it I can see that myself. However, when it is happening everything gets so jumbled up and I’m just bound to lose it all, needless to say. This pattern has always forced me out of everything in the most embarrassing ways and most of my previous bosses and colleagues see me as unstable, socially inept, unfit for the job and the worst “team player” ever. They conveniently forget my work ethics, that fact that I have always slogged my guts out – they only remember the conflicts and controversies I caused.

Try to get references with such a background...

I used to think that my tragedies were down to me not being good enough, not trying hard enough (despite the fact that more often than not I insanely overstretched myself) and every time an episode was over and I found myself on the ground, morally annihilated, I swore to myself that I would do better next time. Yet, despite my efforts, my determination, nothing has ever changed – this pattern has been repeating itself for decades now.

So I am a quitter. A professional procrastinator too – this has been my unconscious strategy to postpone the inevitable choice between quitting or pushing through and risking the onset of insanity. A damn grim choice if you ask me.

As I get older I seem to be losing the ability to bounce back, “swear that I will do better next time” and I am terribly worried. In the last three years I have gradually withdrawn from society and practically lost all my social contacts. I am dying to be loved, to belong to someone and I am convinced that I do have a lot to offer. Yet I can’t even tolerate spending a few hours in public – I get so furious about noises, the way people speak – sometimes the mere sight of someone licking their lips is enough to send me into a rage to the point that I have to leave because I feel I am going to lose it and hurt someone.

I am so exhausted by my mood swings. From the moment I wake up, it tends to be a roller coaster of extreme heights of enthusiasm, confidence and happiness, sometimes feeling awash with love, then, total despair, raging fury, disgust, guilt, self hatred and an overwhelming urge to end it all. These changes can happen within minutes and they just completely rip me apart, prevent me to hold onto a thought, an intention, let alone any kind of a long term project. It has always been like this and I just can’t take it anymore.
I am quick to add, I’m not one for suicide but that doesn’t make the urge go away.

Lately, things have changed, slightly. I think I finally realized that things will never get better; I will never become the person I should be. Over the course of last year I have lost most of my motivation to live. More often than not I don’t even get out of bed. Needless to say, I am in the middle of a financial disaster and my life is simply not sustainable any more.

I think I am starting to realize that some grim end is inevitable. That all “life” has been trying to “tell” me is that I am helpless and no matter what I do not deserve to live and be happy. My ways of “self-medication” and practices to make the day bearable don’t help either – they clearly are a major health hazard.

I have been trying to get help. All I got was being put on half-year-long waiting lists – and that is just for an initial consultation; I am told to expect a further nine months until I can possibly receive any form of counselling.
Over the last two years I visited various GPs but they all seem to suggest that I have anxiety disorder.
Of course I have. I am petrified of dissolving, ceasing to exist, being abandoned, descending to hell – and I am petrified that one day I get so angry that I won’t be able to control myself and do something to others and/or myself that cannot be undone.

Yet I am convinced that this is just the surface. Why can’t doctors see that?
All my life, I really thought that I was just bad, simple as that, I deserve a disastrous and hopeless life and I have always been indescribably furious about having no chance to ever become contented, calm and happy.
However, my view has changed lately. I have grown convinced that I am actually sick – I have always been, most probably. It appears to me that the closest description of what I have been experiencing is that of the borderline personality disorder.

I am not medically trained and I guess most of you aren’t either so I am only looking for feedback and opinions. Is it possible that I might be borderline? If not, what on earth can this be?

I would appreciate any input – very seriously, I feel I must reach out. It is now or never.

Regards,

ashpile"

[Roukan]

Hey,
My name is Paul, and I understand what you are going through. Your ups and downs throughout your life sounds a lot like bipolar disorder. When it comes to seeing a doctor, call them everyday and ask if they have any cancellations, and you really need to see the doctor asap. Sometimes this helps get you in faster. You should get it out of your head that you are not worthy of a good life. Self-esteem plays a very important role in your well-being. Remember, the only things in life we really control is our actions and reactions.

[Girl_Interrupted]

Firstly, many of us don't like being called 'Borderline' or other people using the term 'Borderline' as we are not defined by our disorder, it is only a small part of us.

Secondly, I don't think it's Bipolar as the above person said, it could be BPD, but it does sound more like you have a problem with anxiety.

You need to see what symptoms you tick, more than anything.

BPD doesn't start early, it starts around when you're 15+. It can be earlier, but it's not usually any time before about 11 years old.

Do you...?

• you have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
• you find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
• you have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
• you take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
• you harm yourself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
• you fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone
• you sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or see or hear things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

The DSM for BPD requires -

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Thank you.

I must admit I have to scream at the notion of an anxiety issue.

Of course I am anxious but can't people see how secondary it is? even my long description wasn't enough to explain that my problem is NOT anxiety? I have lost over two years to being misdiagnosed.

The therapist I got assigned to established it in the first 20 minutes that I do not have any anxiety related disorders.

Three weeks later she laughed at me and asked if "I had found the meaning of life..."

She thought I was ****. I know I am not.

I also know that whatever I have, it is NOT anxiety disorder.

ashpile

Originally Posted by Roukan

Hey,
My name is Paul, and I understand what you are going through. Your ups and downs throughout your life sounds a lot like bipolar disorder. When it comes to seeing a doctor, call them everyday and ask if they have any cancellations, and you really need to see the doctor asap. Sometimes this helps get you in faster. You should get it out of your head that you are not worthy of a good life. Self-esteem plays a very important role in your well-being. Remember, the only things in life we really control is our actions and reactions.

Thanks a lot, Paul, I might just do that and get pushy. It suits me.

ash

[Girl_Interrupted]

But you still haven't answered the question and shrugged it off and yet you're sure you have BPD.

Why do you want to have BPD so much? I would much rather be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, than BPD. Do you even know the s**t we get for this disorder from the MH teams? You will get more help for all your issues if you're diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, than if you're diagnosed with BPD.

So the questions being...
1. Do you tick 5 or more symptoms of the above DSM?
2. Do you really want to be diagnosed with BPD and be treated like absolute s**t, or stick with the anxiety disorder diagnosis and find a therapist who can help you properly with your issues?

Everyone here will tell you, the diagnosis means squat (unless you're diagnosed with a personality disorder). It's about treating the symptoms you carry.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by ashpile

Thank you.

I must admit I have to scream at the notion of an anxiety issue.

Of course I am anxious but can't people see how secondary it is? even my long description wasn't enough to explain that my problem is NOT anxiety? I have lost over two years to being misdiagnosed.

The therapist I got assigned to established it in the first 20 minutes that I do not have any anxiety related disorders.

Three weeks later she laughed at me and asked if "I had found the meaning of life..."

She thought I was ****. I know I am not.

I also know that whatever I have, it is NOT anxiety disorder.

ashpile

That's fine your anxiety is secondary... I've read nothing really that makes me think you have bpd. The only thing you mentioned that could "possibly" be traits of bpd is some of your relationships appear to be unstable and also a lack of self identity. Even if this is the case they would be traits only and not a full dx of bpd.

I do believe you have other stuff going on, but not bpd. I to was getting the sense of bi polar.

I'm no doctor so these are just my opinions.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by ashpile

Dear All, thank you so much for all the advice I received to my introduction topic.

One was actually posting my problem on the appropriate forum - this one - which I simply couldn't find when I first registered here.

Thank you for the link, stratocaster and sabby! I hope it is not against the rules to re-post my topic here.

So here it goes...

"Dear all. I am posting this topic because I badly need some feedback, opinions, perhaps even help in the form of advice. After decades of denial, I have finally found the strength to face the fact that despite all my efforts, a considerable set of talents and a decent IQ, my life is more or less a disaster.
I am practically dysfunctional and very likely fast approaching an ugly ending.

I have been trying to get help but without any real result. Without a doubt I am getting close to the end of the line so I’m trying to reach out, whichever way I can. So please, bear with me.

First and foremost, I am not a particularly weak person. I am fairly disciplined too and until very recently I have always managed to bounce back from each and every disaster that has happened in my life. I have had some major professional and personal highs as well; real achievements I can be proud of, however, there is nothing left of any of them. As a rule of thumb, nothing ever lasts for me any longer than a few months or a couple of years at best. Everything always ends in drama; bridges burnt, losing face, feeling destroyed and pain - always excruciating emotional pain – feeling that it is the end of the world. No exception.

For some obscure and disturbing reason, I simply cannot stick to anything or anyone. I cannot see things trough, maintain a job, a career path, a degree course, a relationship; basically, because I cannot stick to myself. In fact, it appears that I do not have a self at all.

As far as I can remember - back to a very early age - I have always lived with a constantly present, torturous emptiness, fear, doubt and a sort of overwhelming emotional hunger to become complete somehow. Every choice I have ever made was fueled by this almost hysterical need to become someone I can recognise as me. I was a sucker for various role models and odd as it sounds, I still am. The pattern has always been the same since as far back as I can possibly remember – finding something or someone (interest, role, job, relationship, study path etc.) getting hugely enthusiastic about it, feeling that “this is it” this will be perfect, this is what I really want etc., putting an insane amount of energy into it, grabbing it and clinging to it desperately. Then, sometimes as soon as the same day or within an hour I am awash with panic and strong aversion to the very thing I was raving about just that morning and I feel I MUST get out of it.

When I was younger I did manage to hold onto commitments for months, even for years. Also, I should say that when I find the next “big thing”, the magic does last for a while – or at least it used to - and that is always a wonderful time when I myself appear to be a wonderful person.

However the cracks always start to appear rather soon.

Despite feeling downright claustrophobic about whatever I was involved in, more often than not I used to force myself to push on – well, that’s what “good” people do I understood. I just wanted to be normal. Without an exception, whenever I forced myself to stick with something despite my whole being screaming “no, get out of it!”, some kind of a personal hell opened.
I started to have uncontrollable, recurring thought patterns that sounded as if someone was talking to me in my head, unstoppably, 24/7. I didn’t recognise people I knew (friends, colleagues, family members), I didn’t understand people talking to me – it all sounded like gibberish and somewhat muffled too, as if I was under an invisible glass-bell. I had serious episodes of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t walk, very severe perception of an evil presence, occasional auditory hallucinations, regular nightmares on a massive scale and a frequent feeling that nothing was real at all. I think the scariest bit was the physical sensation of falling combined with being convinced that I am in the grasp of the devil and very worst of it was the overwhelming guilt, shame and simply unbearable, excruciating pain.

I know it sounds terribly irrational. When I’m not in the middle of it I can see that myself. However, when it is happening everything gets so jumbled up and I’m just bound to lose it all, needless to say. This pattern has always forced me out of everything in the most embarrassing ways and most of my previous bosses and colleagues see me as unstable, socially inept, unfit for the job and the worst “team player” ever. They conveniently forget my work ethics, that fact that I have always slogged my guts out – they only remember the conflicts and controversies I caused.

Try to get references with such a background...

I used to think that my tragedies were down to me not being good enough, not trying hard enough (despite the fact that more often than not I insanely overstretched myself) and every time an episode was over and I found myself on the ground, morally annihilated, I swore to myself that I would do better next time. Yet, despite my efforts, my determination, nothing has ever changed – this pattern has been repeating itself for decades now.

So I am a quitter. A professional procrastinator too – this has been my unconscious strategy to postpone the inevitable choice between quitting or pushing through and risking the onset of insanity. A damn grim choice if you ask me.

As I get older I seem to be losing the ability to bounce back, “swear that I will do better next time” and I am terribly worried. In the last three years I have gradually withdrawn from society and practically lost all my social contacts. I am dying to be loved, to belong to someone and I am convinced that I do have a lot to offer. Yet I can’t even tolerate spending a few hours in public – I get so furious about noises, the way people speak – sometimes the mere sight of someone licking their lips is enough to send me into a rage to the point that I have to leave because I feel I am going to lose it and hurt someone.

I am so exhausted by my mood swings. From the moment I wake up, it tends to be a roller coaster of extreme heights of enthusiasm, confidence and happiness, sometimes feeling awash with love, then, total despair, raging fury, disgust, guilt, self hatred and an overwhelming urge to end it all. These changes can happen within minutes and they just completely rip me apart, prevent me to hold onto a thought, an intention, let alone any kind of a long term project. It has always been like this and I just can’t take it anymore.
I am quick to add, I’m not one for suicide but that doesn’t make the urge go away.

Lately, things have changed, slightly. I think I finally realized that things will never get better; I will never become the person I should be. Over the course of last year I have lost most of my motivation to live. More often than not I don’t even get out of bed. Needless to say, I am in the middle of a financial disaster and my life is simply not sustainable any more.

I think I am starting to realize that some grim end is inevitable. That all “life” has been trying to “tell” me is that I am helpless and no matter what I do not deserve to live and be happy. My ways of “self-medication” and practices to make the day bearable don’t help either – they clearly are a major health hazard.

I have been trying to get help. All I got was being put on half-year-long waiting lists – and that is just for an initial consultation; I am told to expect a further nine months until I can possibly receive any form of counselling.
Over the last two years I visited various GPs but they all seem to suggest that I have anxiety disorder.
Of course I have. I am petrified of dissolving, ceasing to exist, being abandoned, descending to hell – and I am petrified that one day I get so angry that I won’t be able to control myself and do something to others and/or myself that cannot be undone.

Yet I am convinced that this is just the surface. Why can’t doctors see that?
All my life, I really thought that I was just bad, simple as that, I deserve a disastrous and hopeless life and I have always been indescribably furious about having no chance to ever become contented, calm and happy.
However, my view has changed lately. I have grown convinced that I am actually sick – I have always been, most probably. It appears to me that the closest description of what I have been experiencing is that of the borderline personality disorder.

I am not medically trained and I guess most of you aren’t either so I am only looking for feedback and opinions. Is it possible that I might be borderline? If not, what on earth can this be?

I would appreciate any input – very seriously, I feel I must reach out. It is now or never.

Regards,

ashpile"

you don't deserve a hopeless life, you are not bad.

We are persons with bpd, not "borderlines".

Welcome to PC.

And to this board.

I identify with a lot of your post. Feeling incomplete and empty and emotionally hungry.

I did get diagnosed, but told I was untreatable.

I am working hard to deal with it now.

Welcome again,

there is hope,

Carol

[cat333]

Ashpile:

quote from your post: "started to have uncontrollable, recurring thought patterns that sounded as if someone was talking to me in my head, unstoppably, 24/7. I didn’t recognise people I knew (friends, colleagues, family members), I didn’t understand people talking to me – it all sounded like gibberish and somewhat muffled too, as if I was under an invisible glass-bell. I had serious episodes of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t walk, very severe perception of an evil presence, occasional auditory hallucinations, regular nightmares on a massive scale and a frequent feeling that nothing was real at all. I think the scariest bit was the physical sensation of falling combined with being convinced that I am in the grasp of the devil and very worst of it was the overwhelming guilt, shame and simply unbearable, excruciating pain."

Have you ever considered that it may just be demonic oppression/possession? I don’t know what your “religious” beliefs are, but the world is full of evil spirits and they do torment us and even possess some people. You said it yourself that you perceived an evil presence. If you want to chat more about this, send me a private message. There is definitely help for you…you just need to find the truth. Cat

Hello Cat,

I thought long and hard what to reply to your post.

As it happens, one of my doctors came up with the same idea, actually.

In all honesty, this is the point where I panic. I'd like to think that I am an open-minded person but I am also rational, down to earth with a considerable scientific background.

If members of the medical profession suddenly raise their hands and blame the devil for something that is most probably about brain-chemistry, then who can I possibly trust?

With respect to your beliefs; no, I very much doubt I am disturbed by otherworldly creatures. I think I just have a condition that needs to be diagnosed.

ashpile

Originally Posted by Girl_Interrupted

But you still haven't answered the question and shrugged it off and yet you're sure you have BPD.

Why do you want to have BPD so much? I would much rather be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, than BPD. Do you even know the s**t we get for this disorder from the MH teams? You will get more help for all your issues if you're diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, than if you're diagnosed with BPD.

So the questions being...
1. Do you tick 5 or more symptoms of the above DSM?
2. Do you really want to be diagnosed with BPD and be treated like absolute s**t, or stick with the anxiety disorder diagnosis and find a therapist who can help you properly with your issues?

Everyone here will tell you, the diagnosis means squat (unless you're diagnosed with a personality disorder). It's about treating the symptoms you carry.

1.) Yes, I do tick more than five boxes. The whole idea of me possibly having BPD came from going through endless symptom checklists and articles about various mental health conditions.
2.) I don't want to be diagnosed with anything particular, I want to know exactly what is wrong with me so that I can look for the right kind of help. I do think that it is ME who will have to do most of the research and finding the right people. I have to handle it myself.

3.) I neither shrug anything off, nor I'm sure I have BPD. What I'm sure of is the fact that my anxieties are not the core issue but only the second layer. I get annoyed when people start doubting it since if anything is certain about me then this is the very thing.

ashpile

I cannot offer anything at the moment but I am bumping this back up because I believe you deserve more of a response than you have gotten. I wish you well.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I cannot offer anything at the moment but I am bumping this back up because I believe you deserve more of a response than you have gotten. I wish you well.

A very kind thought, thank you.

ashpile