[Warded]

I'm 18 and in my second term at University in the UK, and tonight have finally decided to face my mental health issues which I for so long have tried to avoid. It's quite seriously impacting on my life and general well-being here.

I understand that no one here can give me an official diagnosis, but tonight for the first time I sat down and actually made note of my demons, and would really appreciate the advice of others regarding what I have written. Surprisingly, my thoughts came to me quite succintly, but as I looked at what I had written it seemed as though my symptoms could never fit snugly under one diagnosis. I found a few similarities with Borderline Personality Disorder though, but I am still unsure. I wrote all this down:

Extreme inability to control self-regulatory behaviour; eating, sleeping, working patterns are all massively askew. Low attention span, hyperactivity or extreme lethargy. Usually the latter, with brief periods of extreme, random spurts of elation and energy.
Symptoms of 'Body Dysmorphic Disorder', NOT related to weight; entirely facial... "manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features." Causes real and persistant anxiety in social situations. This almost never fades.
Occasional hatred and disgust of all qualities: personality and appearance causes depression and avoidance of other people and self-imposed social exclusion. Timidity when asking people to do things and disproportionate reaction and feelings of rejection when requests are declined.

Extreme changes in outlook on life; one day fantastic self-image and extreme confidence, with highly optimistic outlook on life, the next a terrible period of depression with negative thoughts about self, chronic and inescapable.
I often engage in the idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and heavy disappointment or dislike.
Volatility of my self-image, manifested as excessive concern about appearance and preoccupation with a perceived defect of physical features; my face and to a lesser extent, my legs.

Volatility in sense of 'self', both how I view myself and how others view me.

Feelings of being disgustingly self-conceited and vain when when acknowledging the painful reality that self-image is so troublesome and important to me.

Strong desire to form unhealthily strong relationships with irresponsible emotional investment in one individual.
Extreme, chronic anxiety and 'inward' perspective when engaged in social activity, marked by constant concern for appearance both physical and characteristic. Sometimes followed by irrational, analytic, forensically detailed analysis of social encounters afterwards, usually followed by anxiety. Sometimes even the suggestion of dislike inferred from body language can be enough to cause feelings of rejection.
Further symptoms include disproportionate feelings of social rejection and ostracism at things people say; contrast with feeling of elation at what could be seen as social 'success'.
Regardless of situation, anxiety about self-image is the most prevelent and exasperating issue.

Such 'high sensitivity' means that the most innocuous of things can and often does ruin a day/evening.

The fact that I have been aware of my own utter irrationality and idiocy means I have always thought that I haven't been exhibiting real symptoms; who is aware of their own madness?
Me, apparently.

Even my feelings about my personality change; one day I feel a strong sense of one, at others a strong sense of shame at my own personality, others no real personality at all.
Likewise, my feelings about my own mental state change. At times I feel like I have no real problems, at others I feel crushed by the weight of them all and how much they affect me.
Instead of listening to what someone is saying and fully engaging with that individual, it is instead as though their face and their facial expressions and words act as mirror, reflecting me back at myself as I 'read' their responses to me and my personality.
The need to be desired by other people always exceeds my own desire for them. Acknowledgement of this leads to feeling of conceit and thus lower self-esteem.
Some days I won't want to leave my room because I feel too disgusting, or will purposefully avoid people on 'bad' days, which is completely utterly illogical.

I wrote this in no particular order, just my sprawling notes describing my own symptoms. I know I have repeated myself a few times. Does anyone else share a combination of all these strange symptoms? Could anyone offer any insight?

Thank you to anybody who had the patience to read through it all.

[Bluebutterfly2267]

Hello Warded,

I believe i have found my lost twin. I am new here too. Just want to let you know i totally relate to the rollercoaster that you described in perfect detail.
Do you sometimes get the most disturbing feeling - just for a flash - that you don't actually exist? That's a new one for me...talk about feeling on the edge of madness!

Just wanted to reach out and connect with you.

[Ultra Darkness]

When it comes to being aware of your own madness, a lot of people here are self-diagnosed, or diagnosed themselves before getting an official diagnosis. I, myself, am very analytical. I'm not sure if that's bpd, though.

[AngelWolf3]

Welcome to PC, and I hope you find what you are looking for here, a lot of great support here, and questions answered as well. I am having trouble focusing right now, so I don't really have an answer to your post...but I wanted to say hello...