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  #1  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:00 PM
Anonymous200104
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And then when you come down from an entire day of your anger being at a ten you crash into feeling so sad, depressed, and sorry for yourself. Like, why am I like this? Why did I have to be born with this particular brain anatomy and chemistry that was then nurtured in just the right environment to create not just a sensitive person but someone who was pathological enough to be classified as having a personality disorder? And when will the people that I care about more than I care about myself (but treat like absolute crap because my disorder makes living inside my own head such an excruciating hell that I can't help but to take the pain out on everyone around me) finally say that they've had enough and leave me? Just like the dozens before them?

Isn't it funny how we're so terrified of being abandoned but we make it impossible for people to stay with us?

I'm so ashamed at how I behave and you'd think this shame would make me act better. But I always know that, tomorrow, there will be something else which will make me afraid to trust someone or make me angry that I dared to open myself up. And all of that anger that I spew is really just pain. The hate is just pain. The manipulation is just pain. Isn't it all just pain? The entire borderline existence feels like having your heart squeezed until it feels like it's going to pop out of your chest. Or like having no emotional skin and being thrown into big tub of lemon juice. And no non-borderline could possibly get it, how it feels to be borderline. They get what it feels like to be on the receiving end and they resent you for it, even if they say they don't. But they have no idea how horrible it is to live inside your head everyday and how ashamed and sorry you constantly feel because you know you're better than this, that you're more than this disorder even while you feel completely overcome by it.

Anyway. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. And maybe ranting. I'm just so tired of the endless cycle; I get angry about something. Then I'm sorry. Then I'm ashamed. Then I resolve not to be angry and obnoxious again. The next day comes along, I get angry about something again...and so it goes. I hate this so much.
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  #2  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:57 PM
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IowaFarmGal IowaFarmGal is offline
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Hugs (((misskeena)))! I hope tomorrow will be a good day!
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  #3  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:59 PM
Anonymous327401
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(((((misskeena)))))
  #4  
Old Feb 26, 2013, 11:59 PM
Anonymous200104
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Thanks. Me too.
  #5  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 12:44 AM
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TheRealFDeal TheRealFDeal is offline
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"having no emotional skin and being thrown into big tub of lemon juice"... that's a good one.
  #6  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 07:53 AM
youwillrise youwillrise is offline
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know those feelings all too well.

sending love.
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  #7  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 09:11 AM
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hungryghost hungryghost is offline
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Been there so many times... Hate it.
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reaching out for the star that explodes
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  #8  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 09:44 AM
Anonymous12111009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by misskeena View Post
Isn't it funny how we're so terrified of being abandoned but we make it impossible for people to stay with us?
Very true. Although I find nothing about it "funny", I'm just being literal here but it's depressing even more to know this.. I don't know if it's impossible to live with us, but it sure is pretty darned close at best. Thankfully reflecting on my ex and her claims that it was about me, and now looking at her behaviors and her true colors, I have this to feel good about - It wasn't all me. Yeah I contributed to her wanting to leave, I know I was difficult at times but I know now, she did her share. Truth is, part of our problem though, is that we take 100% of the blame for broken relationships and it's never all us. Remember that. I'm sure you push people away but, remember the others, your real friends, and significant others, the ones worth keeping, will want to know and understand you. Yes they are rare, but they are out there. Maybe they'll be BPD too but in the end they'll always stick around.

Quote:
I'm so ashamed at how I behave and you'd think this shame would make me act better. But I always know that, tomorrow, there will be something else which will make me afraid to trust someone or make me angry that I dared to open myself up. And all of that anger that I spew is really just pain. The hate is just pain. The manipulation is just pain. Isn't it all just pain? The entire borderline existence feels like having your heart squeezed until it feels like it's going to pop out of your chest. Or like having no emotional skin and being thrown into big tub of lemon juice. And no non-borderline could possibly get it, how it feels to be borderline. They get what it feels like to be on the receiving end and they resent you for it, even if they say they don't. But they have no idea how horrible it is to live inside your head everyday and how ashamed and sorry you constantly feel because you know you're better than this, that you're more than this disorder even while you feel completely overcome by it.
A very good description of how it feels. I totally know this feeling.

Quote:
Anyway. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. And maybe ranting. I'm just so tired of the endless cycle; I get angry about something. Then I'm sorry. Then I'm ashamed. Then I resolve not to be angry and obnoxious again. The next day comes along, I get angry about something again...and so it goes. I hate this so much.
Rant away! That's what this place is for! Just know there are those that will actually listen and respond here *hugs*
~S4
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  #9  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 10:22 PM
Anonymous200104
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
Very true. Although I find nothing about it "funny", I'm just being literal here but it's depressing even more to know this.. I don't know if it's impossible to live with us, but it sure is pretty darned close at best. Thankfully reflecting on my ex and her claims that it was about me, and now looking at her behaviors and her true colors, I have this to feel good about - It wasn't all me. Yeah I contributed to her wanting to leave, I know I was difficult at times but I know now, she did her share. Truth is, part of our problem though, is that we take 100% of the blame for broken relationships and it's never all us. Remember that. I'm sure you push people away but, remember the others, your real friends, and significant others, the ones worth keeping, will want to know and understand you. Yes they are rare, but they are out there. Maybe they'll be BPD too but in the end they'll always stick around.
I've asked both of my two friends (I have other friends but these are the two who know me, who know about the BPD and who I let closer than arms' length) why, after all of my s---, they even bother to stick around. My best friend says it's because she can see me through the disorder. That's huge to me and means a lot. The other friend just shrugs; he's a guy and doesn't do "feels" too well (even in his own life he tries to avoid too many "feelings"). The main thing is that he keeps telling me things which sound like, "I want to be your friend; how do we make it so that both of us can manage this friendship?" and that also means a lot to me. They've both proven to be very solid and I need that. What pisses me off is me. Why can't I see how valuable they are and stop pushing and testing and projecting anger at them that they don't deserve? It's beyond frustrating. I hate my stupid brain.
  #10  
Old Feb 27, 2013, 10:23 PM
Anonymous100165
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Quote:
Originally Posted by misskeena View Post

Isn't it funny how we're so terrified of being abandoned but we make it impossible for people to stay with us?
I don't really know what to say but I know exactly how you feel. It sucks, I know.

I hope things get better for you.
  #11  
Old Feb 28, 2013, 02:15 AM
mvrojas mvrojas is offline
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This summarizes up my feelings exactly!!!!! <3
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