just don't understand...

...how i can be fine one day and feel like a complete waste of space the next.

i was doing so well the last couple of days, not lashing out too badly, apologizing immediately if i did, i wasn't bawling for hours, i actually sang at church yesterday, i felt like God was actually with me...

but i don't feel it today. i know it's there but i can't grab it and hold it down, i can't get myself to start feeling good again...

i just want to feel at ease and not nervous and worried and i want this stupid headache to go away...

i want my husband home early today, but it's still at least two hours before he even gets off work. i don't know how we're going to get this house cleaned up in time to move. we have so much worthless junk...

plus it's cold. maybe it was the weather. it was so nice and warm and sunny for a couple days there, and then yesterday it got cold and wet and rainy and today is no better. maybe that's why i feel so ******.

i need help from hubby to get this place clean...he definitely helped get it so dirty...

That's the nature of BPD...for emotions to change on a dime. A BPD can literally go through three or four intense emotions in a matter of minutes. I know it's frustrating...I'm really, really there with you. Keep up the prayer and mediation, anything to distract, even if you don't feel it in you. It will pay off in the long run. Hang in there.

husband up and left. i guess i deserve it. i don't even know what happened. i threw something and he proceeded to trash the entire living room, then stormed out and drove off.

he got really mad at me because i said the only reason i had been looking for a new place for us to live was because he told me to start looking. he said i was blaming him and i don't even know what the **** i'd be blaming him for...

i just wanted us to sit in the quiet for a few minutes while the kids were still asleep.

i don't know what i did, honestly. he never gets mad like that. the last time he did was before we got married, and soon after that we had broken up.

Oh, that doesn't sound good. I hope he comes back.

I don't know what to say except that I understand how you feel, and I will give you a virtual hug.

thank you.

yeah, he came back. he went driving off and i let him go for about thirty minutes before i called and we apologized to each other and he came home, saw his mess, cleaned it up, and felt pretty bad about it. he even acknowledged that when i throw fits, i only toss a couple things and i'm done. he ransacked the living room.

but it's over now, and we were able to talk about it...