1.5 hr phone call later - all doubts cleared

Hi all,
This is about my uBPDex. Listening to everyone on these forums for last few months has helped me so much. Seeing you all helping each other, and nons like me...thanks...
The fact that you guys have accepted and trying to make life better is so honorable in my eyes
Something pretty big happened last night and I wanted to share it...

I haven't started a thread in a long time. A very short background. My ex split me black in late January because we were having a conversation and I reminded her of her abusive parents. She is in denial about it. She had broken up with me in 2006, came back in late 2010, and from then on wards it was on/off push-pull depending on her mind or what was going on in her home with mommy-daddy. Since mid-2011 we had be "officially" broken up with a dozen recycles from her. In late half 2012 she was having just "casual sex" with me, even with telling me that she loves me (whenever she was in romantic mood).
So two and half months back she told me in a casual conservation that "I didn't see love in your eyes last couple of years". That sort of led to our "fight" that night. I did not know it was a fight till a couple of days later when I found out that she went on a date with someone the day after our fight.
So that's the background. In these two months I obsessively educated myself about BPD...I had originally started my research last spring when I had to google her behavior because I had never known another human being behave in an alternate reality manner. I used to post a lot on forums, learned a lot, read a lot. And finally accepted that she has BPD and I was at peace with my knowledge. Around mid-March she started replying to the few messages I had left her in late-Jan through February. It went from being a few sentences every few days to becoming normal talk every 4th day (her contacting me every 4th day freaks me out...disappears...and then on the 4th day contacts). About 10 days back she was very chatty and said she misses sex a lot. That was random. Then Thursday night on wards she has been different. Started with a "hey you", but disappeared in 7 mins. Yesterday she talked for hours online in afternoon. Gave me subtle to overt hints she wants to meet me. Then at night she called because she wanted to talk to someone. It was a "good" talk, in the sense we didn't fight. But every single thing she said, or felt, or has done in these few months or over her life...every single damn sentence felt like it had come out of a BPD manual. The guy she went out with in late Jan, she said they got serious and nearly got married but she pushed him away. Since then she's meeting or talking to other guys daily about marriage and they all want to marry her but she's pushing them away. Then she said how she doesn't know who she is, what she wants. How she is always lonely and so scared of being alone. She said all these feelings and thoughts started when she came to the United States 17 years back...the time her three years of sexual abuse at home ended. I have read so much that the emotional growth stops around the time of abuse. By Lord I always thought her emotional behavior is that of a 14 year old (she came when she was 12). Again defended her parents saying "they want the best for me". They literally are the most emotionally abusive people I have known in my life.
If I had ever any doubt, talking to her last night cleared it. In the end she said that she wished I was in bed with her so she could hold me and hug me. I still don't think this is a recycle attempt since she is clear she doesn't want to be with me. I think this is happening because her current supply of other guys' emotional availability is running low. The only thing even remotely related to BPD I told her was "please google the sentences you just told me. your answers are there". Today I told her why don't you trust me, would you please listen to me if I want to talk about everything you talked last night about your feelings and thoughts. Her reply was "I don't need help". Can't help someone's denial. For years it killed me seeing her in pain. But I have accepted I cannot help her. Either someday she sees, or she doesn't.
And I will not keep taking abuse from her. I have maintained my boundaries. I am pissed today because what I always feared is becoming true. Her family is Muslim and do not want her to marry a non-Muslim because they are afraid "what will other people say". I swear to God that is the reason her dad always gave me. Now the guys she is going out with and the guys her parents are looking for her are "Muslims in name only"...according to her. For last 15 hours I have been thinking, do I really want to marry someone who gives in to emotional blackmail, threats...to the people who are such cowards that the only thing they care about is what other people will say. The only thing they want is that the guy's name be Muslim sounding.
It is cowardly, it is sad. She is a 28 year old dentist who will not leave parents' home unless she goes into husband's home. The very definition of a high functioning BPD who is living in denial and might always live in denial. I am quite sure she will ignore me for the next few days, just because she talked so much yesterday. So much of me just wants to ignore her. So much of me cannot give up on someone who is in so much obvious pain, someone I have been crazy about since I was 15 and she was 16...

sounds like an emotional roller coaster....to say the least but glad you stood your ground but to what end if she keeps contacting you. have you ever told her how much in love you are with her?

I have probably told her a trillion times how much I love her. Even last night on phone told her. Pretty much every single conversation we have had in last 8 years I must have told her at least one that I love her. I mean...6 days before her first date in Jan she told me she loves me and wishes I was with her. This roller coaster is actually a child's play compared to what happened from Jan 2011 to Jan 2013.
I have been told by nons, and pwBPDs, even in these pages, that there is nothing I can do. She is in severe denial and unless she gets out of it, nothing can be done. I have accepted that and I am not trying to fix her anymore. But I don't know why I still make myself available to her. Looking back, all her pulls, recycles, coming back in last 8 years has been when she has been in pain and needed to talk. All her push has been when she is done talking and is fine. I know she truly has no one to talk to and I just can't ignore her when she wants to talk. It makes her feel better but it tortures me. And I live in denial that one day she will appreciate. Afraid she will spend her entire life worshiping her parents and never extracting herself from this hell she is living in.
Thank you so much for replying. After hearing all the guys she has met, talked, and nearly gotten married to in last 10 weeks, I have had a miserable past 24 hrs. Thanks......