The negative part of "in our heads"

I don't know if this really needs a trigger...but it is negative, so here it is....

I thought about taking PopTart's thread, but it's so positive and this one is the other way around, and it's probably going to come out all jumbled and nonsensical because it's the way I'm thinking right now, and it's quite cynical, perhaps a bit delusional, and when it comes to black and white thinking, it's black all the way. I'd love feedback and I hope I don't start another firestorm or get people angry yet again.

Does everyone live in their heads as much as we, or are we the freakshows? The exceptions to the rules? It seems almost a version of having multiple personalities...but wait...we have a personality disorder!! It controls everything!! One minute we're happy, the next sad, the next angry, and when we pass from one to the other, it's like we barely remember the one before it. We do stupid, embarrassing things that people can't get....that we barely get, because it's all in our heads! And we don't know who we are on top of it all! How can we control something when we don't even have a firm grasp on such a fundamental thing? We think constantly, we tear things apart, we overthink...but does any of it MEAN anything or are we just trying to make sense of something that makes on sense at all.

Does knowing we have a personality disorder really help or in the end make it worse? We overthink...okay...so now we have REASON to tear apart everything we think and say! When I thought I was "normal" with odd and end problems, did I think more like a "normal" person? Try to act like a "normal" person? And now that I know I'm not, I can't, as much as I try to? I spent most of my life not knowing about BPD...thinking I was "normal", and I had a lot of issues with BPD when I was younger, never knowing it was BPD. Was my thinking I was "normal" allow me to almost achieve that? If I'd known I was BPD and the implications of it so long ago, would it have robbed me of those years? Is knowing I have BPD now preventing me from returning to a state of "normal" due to my constant obsession with it?

I wish I could strip the past year and a half from my life. Stop the events that caused my BPD to reemerge, forget that BPD exists, think that I was "normal" again so maybe I could continue to fool myself in to thinking that way.

My thoughts of the day. I'm sure everything I said here and so feel right now will change as I do, and I'll look back at what I wrote so earnestly and think it's a pile of crap by tomorrow...

This is a thought-provoking post. I don't really know exactly what feedback to give you, but I will do my best.

I think plenty of people live in their heads, I don't think it's just us. And I don't think we're freak shows at all. I think maybe it's easy to feel that way when you're "going through it," so to speak but you'd be surprised at how much of what you're going through isn't readily apparent to other people, or just looks like regular normal-people shenanigans to everyone else. I know it sucks to have BPD, but it truly isn't as bad as we think as much as we think it is. People aren't looking at us like we have three heads. Sometimes we act off-the-wall but most of the time, we don't. We just think we do, because we're used to feeling like the freak show and being told for so long by important people in are lives (who were wrong to tell us these things) that we are or being invalidated for having normal feelings about whatever we may be going through at the moment.

For the most part, I feel like it helped me because I am able to name what I am trying to fight. I thought for so long that I was dealing with bipolar disorder but that didn't seem to quite fit and I was at a loss as to why the treatment for bipolar disorder wasn't helping, and why I was seeming to get worse. At least now I can understand what I'm dealing with and use the components of DBT to help deal with my emotions. I don't know if that's what you were getting at, but that's how I feel about knowing I have BPD.

I don't really know what I'm trying to get at. I was just writing off the cuff...whatever anger and cynicism that wanted to spill on the paper, and like I said, my attitude will change, probably sooner than later.

You make some very important and resonant points.

I think you're right. Being aware of having BPD can exacerbate things. I always knew there was something "different" about me. But I strived to be normal and I even succeeded in pulling it off a few times. Since my diagnosis, which was pretty recent, I have noticed a downward spiral.

Reading about all the pain BPDs suffer, how we're always vigilant for signs of abandonment, how we're so easily hurt emotionally has, counterintuitively. made me acutely aware of these tendencies, which in turn has only made the pain worse.

My thinking now is: I have BPD. As a BPD, this event or crisis is going to effect me MORE than a normal person, therefore, I am justified in being more hurt, more angry etc, about this event/crisis.

To prove everything you've just said: Self-harm was foreign to me. Until I was diagnosed as BPD. And upon reading about it as a way of coping for BPDs, I began self-harming. If it weren't for the diagnosis, self-harm would not have been something I associated with, and I would never have tried it and become addicted to it.

This is the paradox of "knowing". Perhaps ignorance truly is bliss.

I live in my head too much. I think too much and I am way to concerned with how people percieve me. I often wonder if I thought less and just lived if I would be happier or maybe "normal". I don't think there is a normal for me. I think at best there is the facade of not seeming crazy. Maybe I think so much because I have horrible self destructive impulses. Maybe thinking to much is self preservation from my own issues.

It's okay to write "off the cuff" sometimes. I think it helps to do that, and we're here to listen.

I definitely noticed it at first. I was so acutely aware of all of the symptoms that I think I displayed them even more than I had before I knew what my diagnosis was. And that was pointed out to my by my T, and indirectly by the couple of friends who know about my diagnosis. I dabbled a tiny bit in SH, but I've not ever really had a problem with it so that didn't stick. I've now leveled out from all of that though.

I know in my heart that I'll eventually level out. How long did it take you, if I may ask?

I don't see a therapist regularly, though I know I need to badly, and the few people I've told about my diagnosis completely discounted me. All I have is the forum and I know I need something in real life to help....and I'm usually somewhat leveled out, but can't do relationships or friendships at all, and this is the result when I try.....

Well, okay. I was actually diagnosed ten years ago but I didn't actually start paying attention to it or doing anything about it until my most recent hospital stay this past November. My therapists always told me that I didn't have BPD, I just had the traits (yeah, right) so I didn't bother trying to deal with the BPD. After I was released from the hospital with the BPD diagnosis I started really paying attention to it because, I mean, that was my fourth hospital stay and I can't afford to keep being suicidal and going inpatient and all that mess, you know? I'm on my own and support myself and something has to give.

Anyway, to answer your question, I guess it's been since November. I'm just now starting to level out a bit. I lost a friendship because of my BPD shenanigans and had to really take a look at my behavior and realize that I was living in a BPD bubble that really wasn't me--I wasn't that bad before I was in the hospital (before my diagnosis) and the only reason I was behaving that badly was because I was aware of my symptoms and it was like I had an excuse to behave that way or something. My T said I needed to start being aware that I wasn't my diagnosis. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but something clicked in me and things started leveling out somehow. I guess I just...hated being so miserable. DBT (distress tolerance, self-care/self-soothing) and meditation help a lot. And being on here. But I'm not all better or anything...

They do help a lot...most of the time. I've just gotten myself in a rut, again.

Wow, your story is uncannily relatable. I also ruined a relationship shortly after my diagnosis, because it was a sort of excuse for bad behaviour.

Thank you, you have given me a slither of hope! I'm not alone in this. I find mindfulness and radical acceptance are helping a lot in mitigating my current turmoil. I'm glad you're improving. We can overcome this. And we will!

I think it happens to all of us. The most important thing is not to beat yourself up about it which is really hard because, I mean, you're in a rut. Accept that you're going to make mistakes though, and that's a normal part of being human, you know?

I have a hard time making mistakes. In a way, I'm a perfectionist and I beat myself up. I think it's because, when I was younger, I was made to feel ashamed when I did mess up. No one is around who is going to shame us though; that voice is all in our heads now (even when other people say things to us...it's important to be able to ignore what other people say and just move on).

In some ways I feel like at times I've used it as an explanation fro things that could simply be my lacking. I feel bad about my life a lot of the time right now. Should I blame it on Bpd or is it generally normal to be down about life when the number of challenges in life is high?

I see a lot of "explanations" flying around about several things and frankly, I don't know..

When I screw up my job by not being reliable, is blaming bpd really gonna help me or is it simply I need to get off my ***** and be responsible?

If my sleeping habits are screwed up, at what point do I stop blaming my disorder and do something about it?

Idk, to me, I think in some ways knowing I have been dx'd with this disorder has held me back. Granted it's not all bad, but in some ways it has.

I think it's a balance. It's a good thing to know but I think all of us, at times will allow this disorder to control our lives more than it did when we didn't know we had it. What I mean is, we focus and ruminate about it so much that it keeps us from really just spitting in the disorder's face and getting on with our life.

Okay so this is just me replying only having read this post not the chain of replies because I felt it best after reading this.

I get everything you said here. I understand how you feel. For me it wouldn't have mattered if I knew I was or had bpd at the time. I think it would have all happened the way it did regardless. Knowing I have it now doesn't change how I live in my head at all. Which sucks yes. But oh well I guess.

So I can say for me knowing I have bpd doesn't make it worse or better really. And I agree nothing ever makes true sense to me ever. I ovefr analyze everything, I always have and that hasn't changed. (Funny thing I am a business analyst at work, so fitting. Lol).
I've never thought or felt I was normal. I always knew something was different or wrong with me.

I'll never be 'normal'. Accepting that well is a challenge and has always been a challenge. I am lost, always been lost and have no idea how not to be. Grrrrrrr

Deep down, I guess I always knew there was a reason, something behind my thoughts and relative actions, but I came from a family where MH issues were not only looked down on but completely demonized. Every time I dared to mention having problems, feeling ignored, even true physical issues several times, I was told they didn't exist, it was all in my mind, I was making something out of nothing, etc., and I didn't know or think to question it. I put myself in a situation where I could be "normal". I avoided making friends, any relationships, people in general and worked all possible hours. Then, I let my guard slip, everything came back and it couldn't be denied and I discovered BPD. Through it, what little hold I still had with my family disappeared. I mentioned it to a close family friend to told me I had no business judging others (my mom and brother) and hasn't talked to me since. I wonder if I'd be better not knowing....who knows. I guess it doesn't matter...

In one aspect I'm glad I know. It makes some things from my past make sense a little bit more than before knowing.

Overall I guess knowing maybe ok. Who knows. Ask me later I might say something different. Hmmm...

Oh I was constantly told I was making things up with certain family members. That was just the start of my issues I suppose.

All we can do now is take what we know and try to go about life day by day, hour by hour for me really. Someday maybe things will be better thn now. I can hope for now I suppose.

My mom started to put me in therapy and give me meds when I was 7, the way I see it she was putting all the problems onto someone else instead of being a parent.. but my whole live I've had people telling me there was something wrong with me so naturally I started to believe it and when I became an adult and more conscious of my problems and the concept of normal I became obsessed with it and all my flaws and was convinced I needed to fix myself. It seems that having such a heavy focus on my flaws and constantly comparing myself to the archetype of normal and telling myself I wasn't that has just made things worse.

Although I do think the bpd diagnoses has helped me, it helps me to understand my behavior/emotions and it can help with the irrational-negative self talk to know that it's just apart of the disorder and things aren't really as bad I think they are. It has also helped me to control my behavior a little better, especially with the impulsive side of it.

My husband had a similar experience with drs and meds and he's okay except for a self-esteem issue, but due to his experience, he can't/won't validate my issues with BPD even though it's staring him in the face constantly. His view of BPD: "anyone can have it depending on how you interpret the traits". I've been told almost this exact line by him as well as that family friend I mentioned before.

I've always been told that there's nothing wrong with my life, so everyone seems to assume the problem only exists in my head, and maybe it does. As far as anyone around me can tell, I'm rude, disrespectful, and spoiled. However, I grew up without friends, and I rarely left the house at all until I was about ten or eleven. There may be nothing fundamentally wrong with my life, but I feel like I was raised in a cage.

With that said, who's the best judge of my life? Me, or the people who don't know me as well as they think? Who's the best judge of me?

I haven't changed since I first found out about bpd. My behavior is the same as ever (erratic), my opinion of myself changes only with my moods, and I still conduct myself the same way. Learning about bpd hasn't affected me in any appreciable way.

If it's all in my head, how could I act like bpd when I know nothing about it? I became aware of my behavior in terms of a mental issue, and that's it.

I'll stop here, because I don't know what relevance this has to the thread.